All about taking off the veil
Almost 8 years ago I met this amazing young lady; a classmate from high school named Randa. After a messed up childhood & a freaking weird teen aging period with lots of mistakes and almost zero fun, I found Randa. She was the first true definition of principles in my whole 16 years of life at that time. Nobody ever influenced me like she did, nobody ever played a role model in my life before her even when I thought dad was superman and mom was mother Teresa, they were never as good as Randa. She was the perfect guide at a time when I needed counseling the most. Frankly speaking my days at school were the worst though my education was one of the best then; I was always the chubby middle classed bullied kid but because Randa was a very kind hearted person with a premature character she was the first one to take the initiative and try to come closer to me and the first one to accept me unconditionally even though she was one of the popular tribe in the school. I am sure she loved me although we drifted apart years ago. She introduced me to everyone, she helped me study, focus on my skills, be more confident and most of all she made me understand what a relationship with God really means. From that moment on I decided to keep an eye on Randa, watch her every move and try to be somewhat like her.
By example only, Randa was able to make the perfect state of religious serenity; she made me love anything that has to do with God. Later on in was inspired to start praying then wear the veil. I can't say I felt forced or uncomfortable about that decision then, on the contrary I defied my parents for this decision I fought to feel like a better person and be a picture perfect Muslim woman. To be honest I admit that the veil protected me from some harassment and superficial societal prejudice, it protected me from my fears of past sins and from what Islamist propagandists call a fate of perishing.
Randa's life gave me hope; she was intelligent, elegant, beautiful, polite, honest, kind and in love with one of our colleagues whom she married now. Randa being in love made me realize that there was no conflict between love and religion. It made me trust her heart and of course her conscience, I had a wish that maybe one day if I walk on the right track like her I'll find such priceless love.
What I didn't know then neither did Randa is that I am only harming myself. I harmed myself when I took a life changing decision based on a friendly influence not a parental one which complicated my relationship with my parents more than it already was. I harmed myself when I took an easy shortcut to look good. Since being overweight killed my self esteem and made my final years of teen aging horrible, I chose to cover up what I couldn't change, I chose to be a girl undercover , maybe what I show are the only appealing parts of my body; my face and my hands. I thought maybe there would be a male version of Randa that will just accept for who I am and understand that my emotional eating disorder is mostly out of my control and that a person diagnosed with children depression at the age of 5 cannot just wave off those extra pounds and heal in a matter of months.
A few years later religion started to widely spread as a reforming societal phenomenon with propagandists like Amr khaled, Mostafa Hosny and Moez Massoud rising like politicians and rock stars. They swam to the surface of the media, monopolizing religious platforms, promoting all the apparent impositions of Islam like prayers and the veil. They tried very hard to reassure everyone that this is the way to paradise. As a typical Egyptian with an under developed character and a vague identity I believed that it really was my only way to paradise.
Over the years I lost my way to paradise daydreaming about acceptance, my clothes started to get shorter and tighter, I started using make-up which I hated then I dyed my hair for this 2 inches lock of my hair that can feel the air. I tried yoyo dieting till I ruined my body, I watched my skin get disfigured and I just willingly participated to the emotional draining process of my soul. Yet nothing changed, there were no more Randas in the society and definitely no male versions of her; even my own parents, closest relatives and friends couldn't accept me. Now that I am at my most mature phase of my life, I realized that wearing then veil at an early age was the weapon I used to murder my feminism. For 8 years I allowed myself to get heavier, shyer and more miserable. I witnessed how my body lost its granted beauty; I witnessed how my hair fell off and how my overall profile was that of a grumpy senile Egyptian woman. The whole religious state I was in including the veil made me a worse person, I judged everybody to feel right, I defended each and every decision I took just because God said so according to what I've been told. I've tortured some friends for not praying or not wearing the veil and only God knows how bitchy and hurtful I used to be when I hear of a friend who took the veil off. And only God knows how much I regret this now. No matter what I had in my life; working experience, self-education, talent and even the enormous amount of people around me, I've always felt blue and lonely like all I have has no meaning without sharing it with people who accept me, without having a warm family atmosphere and a lifetime partner. Those 3 things that ached my heart the most, those 3 details I still don't have, those 3 wished I'd die for.
No wonder I was a depressed, low self esteemed single woman, for this happens when one throws his soul down the toilet and gives up on himself!
Some of you would think I blame Randa for making such a difference in my life but I don't, if anything I am extremely grateful for her because without her I would've never found God inside of me. I don't even regret wearing the veil that much because I would've never known the value of being a woman without feeling those 8 years of deprivation.
My first day without the veil was very simple, I got dressed and stood in my apartment's hallway for a whole hour in fear, I thought I'd give it a trial, I am new in town and I can just walk down the streets with nobody noticing me, if I felt weird about it I will wear it again. I wore a much looser veil on the way out of the building just to avoid the doorman's response if I chose to wear it again. For a moment there I was in fear just like a virgin before her first encounter it felt like it's my wedding night, I am finally taking the veil off only that it's not for anyone just for me. As soon as I hit the street I removed my veil and fresh air was my groom, I felt how the air messed with my hair in a very pure and childish way that reminded me of how my father used to throw me up in the air when I was 3 and how weightless it made me feel. I felt alive again after 8 years of watching myself die gradually.
All I can say is that anything that has to do with God and religion has to feel right and sincere. Let's ignore what's allowed and what's forbidden for a moment there and think about what's right and what's wrong which is mainly the same idea excluding all the hell and heaven drama people use to promote the so-called hatred speech, maybe we can be good without waiting for anything in return, isn't that more divine?!
For those who were shocked by what I've done, I need you all to know that people have the right to change and evolve even if they broke all your taboos, the borderline is that whatever decisions they take will never hurt you. It's also people's right to be the only judge of their own mistakes and all you can do is give tender advice. I need you all to be sure that my heart is the same, my soul is a little bit shaky but my love to all of you will never be jeopardized by your current reaction.
For those who are in my shoes, I need you to know that I have never been more relieved and confident. I now embrace my flaws, I feel good about how I look even if the whole universe sees otherwise. I want you to have your own measure of beauty and no one will be able to take that away from you. People will torture you I know, some of them will shock you with their comments yet others would appreciate your courage, your mindset and your exceptionally fresh beauty. There will always be this portion of the society that needs to tailor you to a perfect model in their heads, allow me to tell you: FUCK them all!
If you feel like taking it off, go ahead and do it, if you don't then keep it on. The most important thing is that you do what's good for your soul and only you can determine that.
You're beautiful just the way you are you don't need to put on anything or take of anything to know that, all you need to do is stay alert and beware of how you feel about your decisions, just deeply rethink every step on the way. As for those who are thinking of wearing it, I strongly urge you to mind map your decision and compare the pros and the cons of it, because believe me it doesn't necessarily bring you any closer to God!
Extra advice: Look for the "Randas" in your lives, express your gratitude then try to make a difference in your own way and remember that the best way to do that is to lead by example!
Finally for those who supported all my decisions with no doubts or questions whatsoever, you're the main reason I keep going, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for granting me a long gone wish, a wish of "Unconditional Acceptance". Thank You for that and thank you for setting such an example <3