Funny how memory works. I used to listen to this song called "Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven about five or six years ago for some months. I never again thought of it, until today, when I decided to make the title of this writing "Paralyzed" because that's how I felt when I saw this beautiful girl on the bus.
I live in a country with a very high temperature and a crappy public transportation system. In rush hour, all buses are full to the top, and many people have to stay on foot and grab themselves to some bar. I'm sure this happens in a lot of other places in the world, so I'm also sure some will understand how annoying, with all the people and the heat, this can become. It was an uncomfortable situation and I certainly did not want to be there at that moment, but in a second I changed my mind. I, suddenly, appreciated the folly of Chance for putting me there. This woman, this girl... this Femme. I saw her, and I liked her, both things happening at the same exact time. I didn't really have much time to react: a few seconds later, she got down on her stop, and the bus when on. I got down next block, after my brain finally caught up with what I wanted to do. I walked back to the last stop, trying to find the girl(Day Walker, Night Stalker, you know) and after turning around for some time, I gave up.
It's a short story, you see. It was a short event. But for me, it was very frustrating. After giving it some thought, I felt so impotent and kinda angry at myself for not reacting at time. I wanted to talk to that girl, tell her she had splendid lips and that I felt really nice by just looking at her face. I wanted to know her name, and perhaps get her number to chat some time later. But I didn't. I didn't say a word, and this has happened before. I've been fighting off my introversion ever since I got out of High School, when I finally realized that not communicating my thoughts only brings(most of the time) trouble and missed chances. I had to change this in me... But it haven't been easy. I've done a good work when it comes to talking to strangers, friends and women I like, but I still have problems with the serious stuff, with the Things that Matter. Being completely open with someone is hard for some people, even with their own parents and lovers.
I'm only writing this because I feel like doing it. I wanted to express my impotence with these situations somewhere. When I want talk or say something and I can't it's like I'm stunned by some irrational fear, a phobia basically, even when I know there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing or with what's gonna happen next. I just get Paralyzed, and I know it's a foolish thing, that's the other reason of why I'm posting this, because it helps me somehow, and that's probably why I'll do it again some day.
-Dladesyx