Dear Mom,
Today, I've known something.
I realized why you let me sing My Heart will go on as much as you could. Even though I hated it, you'd always request for that shit; And, I would humor you as any daughter would, because I loved you so. And I always will.
despite the silence
despite not knowing you
despite not hearing stories about you
despite forgetting what you looked like
despite forgetting what your voice sounded like
It may be frustrating at times, but in my hearts of hearts, as I look inside at the child you've cradled inside your womb, I've known you. The lyrics, though intended to be a sappy love song for a globally acclaimed film, could have been your last messages for me. As I have learned from your cousin, you knew you had been ill for months.
Don't worry, Mom. I knew you didn't wear your heart in your sleeves but I get you. Despite the absence, my heart would always have you.
In fact, I've taken so much after you that they practically say I am the spitting image of you: both in appearance and personality. Funny, you raised me for a brief six years and you were the greatest impact among any guardian I ever had. Maybe your DNA is that strong, huh? Poor Dad.
You weren't always smiling, Mom. You did not look sweet and gentle.
You forced me to do things my toddler mind didn't want to. You locked me up in that dark room when I started having tantrums. You refused to buy me toys I wanted in the stores we passed by. You shushed me when I were about to cry in public. You taught me to greet people properly and where I should go when I got lost. You told me to eat my food properly and not to leave anything on my plate. You told me to dress properly and not to dirty my clothes, especially the white ones. You tucked me in bed and read me bedtime stories. You frowned and pushed me to do better when my tests return with low marks and wouldn't let me play with my toys. Back then, I had to cry to Dad to get want I wanted.
But you know what, Mom? Despite you telling me that I loved Dad more. I never loved you less.
You were a hard worker, Mom. I never doubted that side of you.
You would cook, you would charm people and sell stuff, you would tidy up the entire house but you've always kept me close to you. I would be in the shop when you talked to people you were doing business with. I would be strapped in my highchair on the kitchen. I would be holding a mini broom and dustpan, trying my best to mimic what you're doing. When Dad left, You worked twice as harder. We went home later than usual because of all the business transactions you did. You started to work as a caretaker for a sickly granny foreigner. You began to buy my clothes in cheaper shops. But, You paid the bills and my tuition on time. You dismissed my nanny and took care of me all by yourself. You kept us together, Mom.
And, not once had I heard you complain on how hard it was or even see you shed a tear that Daddy's gone.
In my growing eyes, You were the strongest woman I've known.
You were a good mother, Mom.
You had time to chase me across the room just to feed me vitamins. You had time to attend parent meetings in school. You dropped and picked me up in school in place of Dad. You always packed me my favorite snack. You would sew me outfits for my school program. You would insist that I practice my songs and lines every night a week before I could even perform them. You cooked me hot and healthy meals. You had time to tell me to put all my toys in their proper places. You helped me with my homework. You tutored me before exams. You keep all my medals and certificates for me. My recent drawings would always wind themselves plastered on the fridge. They would be clipped in place with your favorite yellow star magnet.
Just now, I've known that it's your subtle way of telling that I will always be your star. I hope I shine enough to make you see me from where you are.
You had your flaws, Mom.
While picking up pieces of information of why you and Dad broke up, I knew you guys were too prideful for your own good. Especially you, Mom. You never told Dad you were ill. You withheld that fact when you argued and cursed each other. I personally didn't see any of those fights but knowing you guys, I believed they were intense. You must've said all the nastiest things to Dad but never truly told him the reason why you were scared.
And Dad knew it too late. He knew that fact when you were already in a coffin. He must've been inconsolable. Until now, he breathes and bears that very same regret and has let himself go all too deep in depression.
And I've been fatherless for 19 years.
I know. There's no use in blaming you guys. You, too, were human and it made me more aware as an adult. Your strengths and weaknesses have taught me to be better. I harbor these maturities and I try to live it to the letter.
I miss you, Mom.
People would tell me that it was a long time ago. They'd tell me that I was lucky to be young when you left me. They'd tell me that I should be grateful, that I still have a father and that I should focus on him instead.
At times, I'd drown those thoughts in beer, with friends, with sleep, with food but it never fades.
My grief of losing you would always be with me. For Love and grief, They're inseparable, you see.
So yeah. This wouldn't be the last time I'd write anything in your memory. There would be tons. But, I hope that as I continue to write stories for you, the pain would lessen.
And that, I hope you knew that you were a great person and I have learned so much from the life you had led. I hope to always make you proud of me.
Always,
Your daughter