Saturday, at 13:00.
ADAM
You're an angel...an angel without wings... Your eyes are diamonds and your heart is an ocean... Oh! Mary... You light up my world... I love you...
DIRECTOR
Cut!... Very good work everybody... Let's have a break...
JAMES
( waves to ADAM ) Hey ! Adam !....
ADAM
Hey, brother! what are you doing here?
JAMES
I've been looking for you. Look ! There's a woman who needs an actor and I immediately thought of you... She's rich... Your task is to be her husband for one day... easy, hein?
ADAM
I really don't know, man!
JAMES
You'll be fine. It's just one day and guess what,... you'll get 1 thousand $... Think about that.
ADAM
No kidding... one thousand $ ! Oh my God !
JAMES
I'm having 10%... Deal?
ADAM
Deal!
JAMES
It's a secret... you can zip it, right?
ADAM
I know what is a secret!
JAMES
Ok ! You have to go to her place, tomorrow... Here's the address...(gives him a card) Be there at noon...
ADAM
Ok! Is it a pretty house?
JAMES
It's not a shithole! I told you she's damn rich!
ADAM
Oh! I see... I've always dreamt of being married to a rich woman... She'll like me.... and I'm going to invite you to the wedding.... ( laughs ).
JAMES
She's lesbian...
ADAM
What? So why.... why does she pretend being married,... to a man?
JAMES
She's just ashamed of being lesbian, you know... she has recently met a friend of hers... It's been a long time they haven't seen each other... her friend's got married to somebody JANE knows.... so,.... she pretended being married too. In addition, she's 36 years old... she invited them for lunch.... and she needs somebody to be her husband...
ADAM
Damn it, dude! And how do you know her?
JAMES
My sister's her housekeeper... so,... she needed an actor, handsome, good and not famous...
ADAM
Ah! Women!
DIRECTOR
Ok everybody! Let's go back to the work...
JAMES
Ok, tomorrow at noon...
ADAM
I'll be there...
JAMES
Yeah! ( shouts ) I love my friend !
ADAM smiles.
****************************
Sunday, at noon... in JANE's house...
JANE
Hi, Mr.ADAM...I heard a lot about you...
ADAM
Hi! It's nice to meet you.. miss.
JANE
So...I imagine JAMES has already told you what the project is...
ADAM
Yes! Yes, he has...
JANE
Ok, good. And.... Are you ready to be my husband? I mean... my fictional husband...
ADAM
Yes! I'd love to....
JANE
Ok... You can't give it up now...
ADAM
I understand... Your house is damn gorgeous.
JANE
Thank you, sir...Would you please come with me to show you around the house?
ADAM
Ok! Why not?
JANE
Here's the living room...
ADAM
Wow...I like it!
JANE
Thank you!
ADAM
Oh! Look at that...
JANE
( screams ) Don't touch them!
ADAM
Why not?
JANE
'Cause... they're masterpieces ...
ADAM
Ok! I 'm sorry... I didn't mean to...
JANE
Don't you worry about that...
ADAM
So... Your friend... what kind of people she is?
JANE
She's a bitch! She's arrogant... I mean .... you know....She's married to somebody we used to know when we were in the college.... she said she will never marry someone like him... but... ah! I hate her!
ADAM
Then, why are you inviting her?
JANE
ugh! let's just focus on you... ok,...? sorry, what is your name again?
ADAM
Adam... Adam Boop...
JANE
I'm sorry to say it, but... ( she laughs ) what kind of names is that? Boop!
ADAM
You don't like it?
JANE
Do you? I mean it's just like..... Poop...
ADAM
It's Boop, B-o-o-p, Boop! Not poop.
JANE
Why don't you try ... BROWN?
ADAM
But I'm white...
JANE
Ugh! It's just a name... oh, let's change ADAM too... Mmmm, how about.... PAUL?
ADAM
How about Paul Adam Brown?
JANE
Noway!...
ADAM
Ok! Ok! PAUL BROWN !
JANE
You're an architect...
ADAM
Fine...
JANE
We have been married for three years...
ADAM
Ok!
JANE
You're 37 years old...
ADAM
But I'm only 34...
JANE
But Paul's 37... any question?
ADAM
No...
JANE
Great! (she opens the door) See you on tuesday... at 10:00 am... Wear the best suit you have. ok? The best suit...
ADAM
Ok! ( he gets out )
JANE
( she talks from the threshold ) And don't be late... Take care of yourself... Don't get sick...
ADAM
( he shouts ) Don't worry...
*********************************
Tuesday... at 11:00 am...in JANE's house.
JANE
I'm going to kill him....
The bill rings. JANE opens the door.
ADAM
Hello...
JANE
You're late... it's 11:00 am... ah!
ADAM
I'm sorry, ok? I adjusted the alarm at 8:00 am, but since I was listening to music, the battery has discharged... so my cell didn't ring... I slept for extra hours... but,...
JANE
What are you wearing?
ADAM is wearing a blue hat, a white shirt, black baggy trousers and brown shoes...
ADAM
( He takes his sunglasses off ) Euuuh! Clothes...
JANE
Are you shitting me? ( angry ) Which part of "your best suit" you didn't get?
ADAM
( he looks at his clothes and screams ) that's my best suit...
JANE
( angry ) Come on in.... Let's buy... something for you.
ADAM
OK!
JANE takes the phone and calls the ELEGANCY SHOP...
THE ASSISTANT
ELEGANCY SHOP, hello? How can I help you?
JANE
I would have a suit for men, please...
THE ASSISTANT
Ok... which color?
JANE
Mmmm.... Black, please...
THE ASSISTANT
Great! The size, please?
JANE
Can you wait for a second, please? (whispers to ADAM) your size?
ADAM
Euuuh, I don't know...
JANE
( angry ) What do you mean?
ADAM
I really don't know... I always buy my clothes from the flea market, so....
JANE
Shame on you! (to the assistant) well, euh... can I have a piece of each size?
THE ASSISTANT
Cool! When do you want to receive it?
JANE
Now, please... if it's... possible...
THE ASSISTANT
Ok! That would be all?
JANE
No,... euuh.. I need shoes too... black ones...
THE ASSISTANT
a piece of each size?
JANE
Yes, yes, please!
THE ASSISTANT
Awesome... That would be all?
JANE
Yes!
THE ASSISTANT
Can I have the address, please?
JANE
Of course... it's 884- Franklin avenue...
THE ASSISTANT
Ok! Have a good day, miss.
JANE
Thank you! Bye.
ADAM
a piece of each size?! Wow...
JANE
The flea market?... The flea market?! Ah! Oh my God!
They remain silent.
JANE
If you screw it up... I'm going to put your head in the toilet...
ADAM
Really? Would you do that?
JANE
Don't be stupid! Of course not... I didn't mean it...
ADAM
Then, why did you say it?
JANE
Ok, let's just forget I have said it, ok?
The bill rings...
ADAM
Oh, they're fast... that's what I call service...
JANE opens the door... The guests are here...
JANE
Oh! He-Hey! Hi! How are you doing?
ROSE
Hey!
JANE
( surprised ) I wasn't expecting you before 13:00.
JACK
Shall we come back later?
JANE
No! No, this is not what I meant to say! Oh! Come in...
ROSE
Thank you...
They get in.
JACK
You've got a pretty house...
JANE
Thank you... I'm flattered...
ROSE
Oh! Who's he? The gardener?
ADAM is still standing next to the door... cleaning his nose using his finger...
JANE
Oh! That would be my..... husband A-Paul...
ADAM tenders his hand to greet the guests... There's snot on it... JACK tries to be courteous, so he salutes ADAM from his cuff.
ADAM
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson... It's nice to meet you...
ROSE looks at the strange clothes ADAM is wearing and laughs, but she's trying to be polite and hides her laughter.
JANE
Have a sit...
ROSE
Oh! You're pretty...
JANE
( smiles ) Thank you, but you're more beautiful....
ROSE
Of course not, you're merely trying to be humble... aren't you?
JANE
Oh no! I mean it...
ADAM
Oh! Please... None of you is beautiful... are you happy, now?
JACK is laughing .
JANE
( trying to change the subject ) Who wants to have a cup of tea?
ADAM raises his hand...
JANE
Ok, let's have a cup of tea... NICOLE ! NICOLE ! Can you bring us tea?... Thank you...
ADAM
Who's NICOLE?
JANE
( fakes a smile ) The housekeeper!!
ADAM
Oh... oh... yeah! Ah! She changes the housekeeper every month... so,.... how can I remember all their names?
JANE
Yeah! He forgets their names... always...
NICOLE puts tea on the table and goes back to work...
ROSE
( curious ) So,.... how long have you been married?
ADAM
For three years...
JACK
Mmmm... I see... and... and... how have you, guys, met?
JANE drinks tea, as she meant " I can't talk, my mouth is busy ."
ADAM
Well, it was three years ago.... on a rainy day... Yeah! It was love at first sight...
JANE
( looks at ADAM ) Oh! Honey...
ADAM
Yeah! When I saw her... I said... Her! She's the one... Oh my God.... I started getting closer and closer and closer...
He stops.
JACK
And?
ADAM
Euuuh! She had a rainbow on face... ( he laughs ) you know,... make up... and she was funny...
JANE spits tea out. She's embarrassed....JACK and ROSE laugh.
ADAM
So, I stood in front of her and said insolently: " We need a clown for a kids party, are you available?"
They laugh. JANE is angry.
ROSE
( to JANE ) So,... What did you do? Did you slap him?
JANE
No, ( confident ) I just said : " Oh! I'd love to... do you love clowns, honey? Of course you do... all kids love clowns...".
They laugh at ADAM. ADAM is embarrassed.
ADAM
Yeah! Nice one...
ROSE
So, how did you meet again? ( she drinks tea )
ADAM
Oh! I gave her my umbrella and I wrote my number on it and I said: " Call me,... Just... to give me my umbrella back..."
JACK
Oh, you're mean...
ADAM
Yeah!
ROSE
So, what did she say?
ADAM
She said nothing... she just left...
ROSE
( to JANE ) And you called him?
JANE
Yes,... It was love at first sight, so...I gave him his umbrella back, but... it was just an excuse...
JACK
Oh... And he asked you out?
ADAM
No, we just spent minutes staring at each other.... and I said suddenly:" You're an angel...an angel without wings... Your eyes are diamonds and your heart is an ocean... Oh! MARY, euh, JANE.. You light up my world... I love you..."
ROSE
She said: " me too "
JANE
Yes!...
JACK
So, it started with an umbrella...!
JANE
Yeah... Little things...
ADAM
( he laughs ) Whenever she wants to make up her face on a rainy day, I remind her of the day we met three years ago...
JANE smiles...
JACK
I imagine she looked ... weird...
ADAM takes the glass of water in front of him and pours it on JANE. She stands up, furious. Her face is colored : she has a rainbow on her face.
ADAM
Oh! ( he laughs ) just like this.
JACK and ROSE are laughing.
JANE
( stares at the ground, angry ) PAUL! Can we talk?
ADAM
Yes! Yes! ( to JACK and ROSE ) Excuse me a second...
ADAM is following JANE. They're in a room. JANE closes the door. She slaps him.
JANE
What the hell is going on with you?
ADAM
Nothing!
JANE
Oh! What about that shit you were saying? "rain", "clown", "love at first sight", "an umbrella", "an angel", "diamonds" or whatever!
ADAM
Oh! That was a play I have recently had a role in!
JANE
And...and... how dare you to pour water on me?!
ADAM
Sorry... I just... was a bit excited...
JANE
Excited?! Oh my God! You know what? ( she dries her face ) You'll be punished, you will get 900 $ only....
ADAM
( angry ) You can't do that to me!!
JANE
Oh, watch me! ( she walks towards the door ).
ADAM
I'll give it up, then... I'm not Paul anymore!
JANE
( opens the door ) Then you'll have nothing! ( smiles )
ADAM
Damn it!
ADAM and JANE go back to the living room. they sit down next to the guests.
NICOLE
Miss.JANE... Somebody's knocking the door... He says you bought something from a shop or something....
ROSE
Miss.JANE?
JANE
I have bought nothing lately...
NICOLE
He said a piece of.... each size...
JACK
What? It may be a joke...
JANE
I'm going to deal with that...
She stands up.
ADAM
I need to go to the bath...
ADAM is going to the left. NICOLE stops him.
NICOLE
Sir, the bathroom is this way... ( she points to the right ) .
ADAM
Oh! Of course...
JACK and ROSE are confused. JANE is back.
JANE
Ah! these shops...!
She sits down. ADAM shows up.
ADAM
Babe' there's no toilet paper left. I was obliged to do that with.... my hand...
JANE
( looks to JACK and ROSE ) JOKING!
ROSE
Oh my God! I thought it's true...
ADAM
But it is...
JANE
Honey.... honey, why don't feed the dogs?
ADAM
Do you have dogs?
JACK
Wow...
JANE
Or can you just... sit?
ADAM
Sure...
ADAM sits down next to JANE.
ROSE
So,... Mr.Paul! What do you do on your free time?
ADAM
Unfortunately, I don't have free time.
JANE smiles.
JANE
But only for special people, he can devote his time... I mean... just like you.
JACK
Oh, that was a good compliment...
ROSE
Thank you!
JANE
Oh! You're welcome.
ADAM
( he smiles ) Who said they're special? You?
JANE
Honey, what's wrong?
ADAM
Why are you lying? You said you hate her! Why have you suddenly changed your mind?
JACK
I don't understand...
ROSE
I don't understand...
JANE says nothing, she's looking at ADAM.
JANE
You know what? Screw it!
ADAM
( stands up ) Yeah! Screw it...
JACK
Can anybody explain what's going on here?
ROSE
Yes, can anybody?
JANE
( she looks at ADAM ) I have a confession.
JACK and ROSE stare at her...
JANE
We're not married...
ROSE
What?
ADAM
Yup! We're not married!
JACK
( to ADAM ) Who are you?
ADAM
ADAM BOOP, sir!
ROSE
Did he say "poop"?
ADAM
No,.... it's... Boop!
JACK
I don't care! Who are you?
ADAM
As I have already mentioned, I'm ADAM...
JACK
I didn't ask you what your name is.
JANE
Oh! He's an actor... I don't know him...
ROSE
Why didn't you continue your play?
JANE
Because... I'd rather say I'm single than being married to this... jackass!
ADAM
Oh! I'm jackass... Can I just have my money?
JACK
Why... did you pretend being married in the first place?
JANE
I'm getting old...ok? I'm going to die alone... and... I just wanted to be better than you, ROSE... I refuse to lose... I'm sorry... I'm sorry 'cause I lied...
JACK
I have a confession too,... we're not married neither...
JANE
What?
JACK
I did it because I love you, and... and...I wanted to see if you'll be jealous... but, you were married...
JANE
You love me?
ADAM
You can't... she's.... lesbian...
JANE looks at him like she was saying " Why did you say that?".
ADAM
Or... you know what? I just want my money...
...