sinking into the void

i’ve been racking my brain out trying to think about the things that makes me feel something, but it’s undeniably hard to come up with anything when you feel this empty. my insides are trembling and slowly cracking, and my heart feels so heavy. i don’t want to dwell over this, but you can’t stop what’s already in motion.

i drove to my local liquor store to get myself a few bottles of booze, hoping that the alcohol can help me fill the void inside my aching body, and maybe, it can help me get in touch with myself once again. oh, what a terrible idea.

i went home with a massive headache and i can feel my stomach contracting violently because i have consumed too much alcohol more than my body could intake, making me run upstairs as fast as i can, only to find myself crumble down on the cold bathroom floor. my throat feels sore from the stomach acid that was layering it and my mouth tasted of vomit.

with tears in my eyes, i surveyed the mess that i’ve just created and i can’t help, but feel even more hollow than before; i am being plagued with hefty thoughts and my mind is constantly bombarded with words that are not quite dreamy. i feel like a stranger in my own body, it’s such a damnation. when did i become so detached with myself that my skin starts to feel different? am i being eaten by the darkness or is it all in my mind, rapidly finding its way into my fractured system, making me soberly intoxicated in the worst possible way? or am i seeing figments created by my own imagination for i am that sleep deprived?

help me, i am trapped inside my own body and my thoughts are like knives in my head, sitting precariously at the tip of my brain, and i’m the one who’s killing myself alive.

–a.r, sinking into the void.