So maybe I liked him... or maybe not?

No.

I have always said no. They always say I deny things and lie to myself but no, I know my feelings more than anybody else.

Standards and ideals are things I held on tight ever since, not because I deserve a lot but because it has shaped me to become the person I am now.

He's tall, yes, but lanky but a little muscular. I don't like his hair. I don't like his smile because there's nothing different about it. I don't like the way he thinks because his ideas are not my interests. I don't like the way he carries himself. I don't think I can go along with his friends. I don't like the dead and awkward flashes in between conversations.

I don't feel stupid butterflies in my stomach and that 'zing' in my spine it's as if a snake went in my veins but I feel comfortable and safe with him. He doesn't spin my world around and spread different hues of light like a disco ball but I feel nice and happy it’s as if it is my birthday. I like it when we converse that I have to tilt my head a little so I can see his hazel eyes because his height is a few centimeters more than mine. I like it when he talks nonsense then laugh like what he said was the funniest thing ever. I like his fake-looking reactions then defend himself on how he means every reaction he makes from the facial expressions to the interjections. I like it whenever he corresponds to every request I make like how my guy friends do. I like it when he stares at me then tell me what he just realized after staring too long. I like it whenever I catch him staring at me and we would both just look away like nothing happened. I like it when he remembers me on someone because I talk and act like her. I like it when he touches the top of my head. I like it when he leans his head closer whenever he couldn't hear what I am saying. I like it when he said we're close. I like the way he tells me to listen to this particular song and explain what the song is and how the song is for me. I like it when he asks very random questions whenever both of us go silent. I like it when he sings the words of a song when I can't hear it well. I like it when he tells stories about his friends that I mostly don't fully understand because he keeps on laughing so hard before he can actually utter a word. I like it whenever he asks if I am okay.

And... I like him best when he plays the guitar then gets lost in space at every note.

So maybe being lanky is fine and his hair can be nice too. Why should there be distinctness in a smile? Maybe weird is okay because other people might find my ideas weird too. Maybe the way he carries himself is alright because that's the way he is. Maybe it's okay that his friends are like that because mine's crazy, and maybe dead and awkward flashes are just normal.

Maybe I am really lying to myself. Maybe my actions had already betrayed me. Maybe they were right.

Okay… so maybe I do like him.

Or no, maybe not?

Of course not.