They told me that change is healthy and good ! I didn't know that it could be a disaster too until it happened to me.It was a peaceful night in my town,listening to Radiohead,laying on my bed,and checking Facebook and talking to Yassamine*!
I mentioned her in my old chapters but I should represent her since you are in another place now. she is simply my idol,she knows everything and even if she doesn't she knows how to deal with it!she was hurt ,neglected but she stood up and made it work... She gave me that book with a interesting title :''why men love bitches'' in PDF,she told me that she is glad for the first time to be called,a bitch,I laughed so hard when I heard that from her because she doesn't sound like that at all;she is respectful and religious so that made me feel more excited about the book. I read it carefully and start to understand why she was glad to be ''a bitch''.In that book ''bitch'' is that powerful girl who knows how to live without boys who rather be single than taken,who enjoys her life without men...I loved it and I wanted to be a ''bitch'' too then I realized that actually I am! I can do all of these simple things :I've never dated anyone,I can live neither without a man nor without a woman nor anyone,in fact I adore being alone,and I enjoy being single and I will never try to change that statue and that's one of my reasons to never have you.but I never thought of it like this,I've never seen how ''bitchy'' is my attitude,so I couldn't forgot that and I started to believe that it's not about how comfortable or strong I am... It's just I've never had the opportunity to try something else,something risky,new and fun ... I wanted to be objective but I was trapped and empty cold without emotions or feelings, I know 2 or 3 reactions in my whole life : complain-cry-shout furiously,and at the end the fourth reaction would be: DIE !
So I suppose to change; but I would never do something like that, because I'm fearful and doubtful.I will never find joy or peace in changing something due to my atrocious thoughts that I compare to a shewing gum once it's shewed it would never be restored it's just sticky and disturbing .
After all I want this miserable,blank life I get used to it and I will never find something better. I cannot apply this idea of ''changing'' if just thinking of it is torturing me !