Stop it! Stop talking! Stop that incessant whine about how perfect your life could be if he were dead. Let me remind you, if he were dead, in time, you would be as dead! Why take one Soul when I can have two? Keeping him alive and watching you suffer helps me endure this sufferance. I never claimed to serve you…I serve only me. Read the fine print, it’s there for a reason.
And you…yes you…stop invoking my name, and pinning your abhorrent habits on me. Drinking, and a cowardly hammering of your wife can get tedious, especially when you consistently miss your target. If you must hammer something, try the Punching Bag in the expensive oh- so- elite Gym you never visit but are a lifetime member of. Perhaps then, your wife may recognize the man she married beneath all that glutinous ‘bellyflous’ lard. She may even dump the taut young Twinkie she’s currently screwing. Or perhaps not.
Self-serving, narcissistic Humans; you fatigue me. With your pathetic servitude to the charms of Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, Pride, Greed, Sloth and Lust, you are responsible for this earth shattering headache that I presently endure, under protest, might I add.
Well…I’ll pardon Lust…Lust gets me through the rest of them. I’ll give you that, Humans…I’ll give you Lust…for now.
More wealth, more love, more ambition, more vengeance, more…more…MORE! How much more will suffice to give me a break? I haven’t had a vacation in centuries. And what am I gaining from all this charitable overtime?
Your Soul?
I would oblige you with a hearty chuckle but I’m afraid that the slightest movement on my part will maneuver the ache in my head to the rest of my body. I’m unaccustomed to enduring pain, only to being the cause of it; I simply wouldn’t be able to withstand more than I already am. Do pardon me.
So keep your Soul, Human. Please…keep…it. Hell is overcrowded. This delightful Inferno was once my haven of joy; of comfort, of solace; but now, my peace is SHATTERED with your consistent whining. Sinners, I beg you, make a pit stop at Purgatory. An extended pit stop. I promise I won’t be offended. Purgatory used to be my favourite holiday destination, but now, now I’ll let you have even that. Repent, agonize about obtaining a one-way ticket to Heaven…I urge you. But do this soul-searching repentance far away in Purgatory; I need space to wrestle with this existential crisis I’m drowning in.
My headache worsens. Ohhhhhh….!
What now! For Lucifer’s sake, what now Human?
Do you really have to pick today of all days to contemplate a Heroin overdose? Selfish, sniveling Human. Can you not spare even a millimeter of thought for me? For my health? Are you so devoid of sensitivity that you want to give me your pitiful Soul today? Well, I won’t take it…I don’t want it. Please don’t bring your toxic self to my home; I’m in enough pain already. Stop that! I command you to stop injecting your pathetic veins that have seen better times. That’s right, put that needle away. Now, have a good cry. And leave me alone.
Oh dear! Not another! Will I ever catch a break here?
The stock market’s crashed and now you want to take your own life because you can’t bear to face your wife and children or lose your expensive and ridiculous sports car? What will your neighbours think??? For Heaven’s sake…there, I said it…heaven’s sake… man up! Live. Please live. If you die, she’ll die too. And your brats will soon follow behind. That’s an extra 5 extra souls I don’t want burning in my cramped quarters. No no! This won’t do. Man up please, I implore you. Tough times will pass, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, share your burden with your wife or your mistress. Share your burden with anyone but me! Live man, live!
(The Devil cradles his head wearily. Next to him is a half-empty bottle of Panadol)
Humans…here’s what I propose.
Reconnect with your God or Gods, as the case may be…call upon your Saviour whom you’ve callously shunned for so…ever so long…and beg for a nice hallowed spot in Heaven. This feral pounding in my head isn’t going anywhere in a hurry.
Take your family with you. Take your friends. And theirs. And theirs. And theirs!
I’m happy to pay your relocation fee, Humans. Think about it…Heavensville. A wide, open space that you can fill with all your glorified moaning and groaning. Sounds absolutely heavenly, doesn’t it? Divine even.
Think about it, but do it soon. My headache intensifies.
For Centuries, ever since the Beginning of Time, when I was unfortunate enough to encounter that vixen Eve, I’ve obliged you. I’ve accommodated all your requests for a nominal fee that has remained constant for all time. I’ve even assisted with some propositions that are way below my dignity, and I have often risked my reputation for your glory. But now, dear Humans, be kind, be good, be honest, be brave, be loving and faithful; most of all, be sensitive to my needs, and relocate…all of you…vacate Hell, and relocate to Heaven.
What do you say…Quid Pro Quo?