My day is wreck in pain again, it's been happening to me for straight 3 weeks, for just couple of simple reasons, it's like this anxiety of mine is growing so fast that i can't control. I walk absently to the street where i use to ride a jeep thinking if I could just stop in the middle in the road to end everything but then it was red light for almost two minutes, letting me to think the damages I could give to others. I continued walking thinking of silent ways to kill myself, my mind was full of thoughts until I found a jeep to ride, even inside the vehicle i'm still drown with the idea of ending my life, maybe drowning?, cutting myself?, hanging? or maybe self accident? i don't know as long as i could find the perfect way. Traffic hit the road and it lasted for 30 min, even the traffic i blame myself, my mind became narrow every minute. I wanted to cry but i can't because of the people around me, my mind was soo heavy during the time, i was hopeless and empty, as the flow came back the vehicle stop for a red light again, there i look at the window seeing it stop near a funeral house. I took the thought of seeing myself lying inside that place and everything in my mind got twisted. I notice that the new arrive corpse was just as old as me (for sure)....i heard how her mom cried about the dreams, promises they kept together with hers husband for her, the future they prepared for her was all gone in just twinkle of an eye. Then it came to me.......why i'm still alive? why is she dead? when all she wanted was to continue living....why her not me?. Every day i woke up wishing i could just die immediately not thinking that someone somewhere out there same as my age begging, struggling for long life.
It came to me that I'm still alive not to suffer but to rewrite all the mistakes that I've made, relive the times of little happiness i had and value it for the rest of my days. I'm lucky enough to see the beauty of the day and nights, the stars at night, seeing my parents grew old, giving them what they want in the future. I wanted to give my time to the dead girl, because she values it more than I, but i can't.
Yes, I'm in pain, I'm suffering, i struggle everyday to deal with my anxiety, i'm sensitive in small things, i see myself useless,worthless and small but then I'm still alive and able to continue and rewrite it over and over again, i had the whole time in my life to rewrite it. Then, I realize suicide is not the real escape you could get for yourself, it's not the answer, not the slightest, it'll only welcome more pain to you and to others. I know one day, i'll laugh at these days and i'll be proud of it to share to the people around me. I know i had no savior, i had no one to tell what shit runs into my mind, no one is there to pat my head saying it'll be fine, no one is there to hug me when i'm in panic, those sleepless nights where i cry endlessly, where no one is there to treat me good. I know the pain is grave, but knowing i still have the ability to conquer and rewrite it.
I'll fight.