In order to change the course of his thoughts, Rishaan went out of the room and stood in the veranda, staring lifelessly at the lane and its subjects bustling with life, like a sadist emperor who is losing the power to control it. Soon it became clear to him that his brain has trained itself miraculously to do just two things in a couple of months (to his great dismay)- either think about her or not think at all. Rishaan returned to his inner quarters and paced to and fro sluggishly, pondering over these uninvited changes in him and about the day and reason all this began.
It happened exactly six months ago from today, his best-mate Kiara proposed him in front of his surprised friend circle. He would have believed that James Bond is gay more easily than believing the fact that Kiara was in love with him. He had declared emotionlessly that he can never love, that he was an atheist for any deity of love and that cupid’s arrows can pierce his liver, kidney, lungs-but not his heart. Kia had hung her head uncertainly for sometime and then had hurried away from the spot.
‘Kia’, Diya had tried calling her back in vain. She was Kiara’s other soul mate other than him. Atleast he thought so before knowing he was more than just-special-friend to her. Diya’s voice had struck his eardrums loudly that day, like a restless wave hitting the shore mercilessly to make it realize the water’s presence.
For a few days, Kiara followed Rishaan trying to apologize while he avoided her. And again Diya came to their rescue; her efforts soon settled things and the trio were seen together again as usual chatting in the college corridors. But, Rishaan talked unusually more to Diya than he used to previously. His thoughts were same like the others for a few weeks ‘Still mad over Kiara’. But the phase of wrath passed and phase of discovery began- it was not his disgust towards Kiara that had pushed him towards Diya, but his unstoppable hidden neglected love for her. Alas! Love is not done, it happens. He failed to hide the changes within him from one person-himself. He could deny that he was in love, but he could not deny Diya. It was her name he breathed, her eyes he saw, and her presence he worshipped.
With a deep sigh, Rishaan tried to calm down his furious heartbeats. His red face was turning blue as he remembered the evening he had confessed his feelings to her. She had looked away when he had tried to find her answer in those doe-like eyes. But with the setting sun, fear had also started to settle in his heart when finally she had turned away saying, ‘I love someone else. Sorry.’ Like the autumn tree, unable in holding its leaves, Rishaan also failed to push back his tears whenever he remembered these words. Someone else? Who? Nobody can love you more. I promise. Please. Just once. Listen. Please.
His infinite questions, pleads, assurances were all neglected by her as gracefully as the sword ignores the screams of its victim while cutting him. And let’s leave Kia’s condition on knowing everything to the readers’ imagination.
No, he must calm down and stop fretting over impossible things. Atleast they were still friends…that was quite kind of her, he thought and got back to his packing. The little, dim room was in a terrible mess which was the usual scene whenever he was getting things in his suitcase for a trip. The trio had a flight to Goa tomorrow. Mastermind Kiara’s plan to revive their old friendship and end the tension that was fast flourishing amongst them.
After an almost-formal-serious- kept-to-death type oath where they promised they would forget and forgive everything and would go back to be the old useless friends which they used to be, things had quite been normal since the last two months. And all of them believed they had finally been ‘enlightened’ and were back to their original form again. Especially Kia’s progress was amazing. Though Rishaan was successful in being his old-form physically, mentally he was still the devastated ‘devdasted’ Romeo. Nevertheless, both his girl friends believed his madness was over; he deserved an Oscar for this.
In the middle of the flight, Kiara woke up to go to the washroom. When she returned, she was too lazy to push her way into the middle seat. And with Rishaan readily offering to shift seats, the seating arrangement changed. With 20 minutes still remaining for the flight to land, a sleep starved Kiara took another power nap, this time holding Rishaan's right hand more firmly. Rishaan's other hand, though, nervously moved to touch Diya's. Her heart skipped a beat. Diya pulled her hand away. But a defiant Rishaan held her wrist again, this time firmly and more reassuringly. The changing behavioral dynamics between the three perhaps gave out a foreboding of what was to come in Goa.
When the flight landed at the Dabolim Airport, Rishaan felt uncanny...his excitement seemed replaced by an unknown fear that he found very difficult to decipher.
“Crap, things are becoming a mess again”, he muttered to himself.
When the plane had touched the ground, the bump had involuntarily tightened Rishaan’s and Kia’s grips over the wrists they were holding.
“Tourist’s paradise!” Diya exclaimed and jerked her hand free like Rishaan
“You make it for me”, he muttered.
Travelling on a taxi to their hotel, they realized there’s more than just beaches and bikini-bodies in Goa. long lanes through the jungles or fields, a happy-go-lucky bar at the street corner, trains running beneath little bridges of wood and iron; Enough for even the gods to want to come down from their old heavenly quarters for holidays. But Rishaan concentrated on Diya’s face, prettier with excitement throughout their way to the hotel while Kia watched his mixed expression of pain and ecstasy, beaming at Diya’s beauty.
Pristine blue water, the white sandy beaches, swaying coconut palms lining the coastline, majestic waterfalls and cliffs, with every beautiful thing they saw at which the girls gaped and gasped excitedly, Rishaan just smirked and shrugged-for the more he saw nature the more he got confirmed that nothing was more beautiful than his love. Her heart was softer than any rosebud, her innocent brown eyes and shy smile was more awesome than the golden rays of the rising sun and her blush was prettier than any hue in the reddish dusk sky. When she stood near the shore, waves washing her feet and winds playing with her hair, Rishaan knew he couldn’t keep his feelings at bay anymore. That night in the hotel, Diya was looking at the pictures they had clicked while others were fast asleep, atleast she thought so, when she heard a knock followed by Rishaan’s voice. Her fingers had hardly unbolted the door when Rishaan pulled it and shut it behind him immediately.
“Rish-” but before she could complete, Rishaan had pinned her to the wall and placed his shaking sweaty palm over her mouth with such an urgency that she understood she had no choice other than listening.
“Well, I’m-sorry-to enter like this…” he gulped hard, trembling. His hands by her sides
“What’s it?”
“You know…”
“You know too Rishi,” she whispered back.
“Who’s he?” he hissed, “I can prove in every way I’m better.”
“Then take good care of my Kia- she loves you so much-”
But before she could complete, she felt his lips hitting hers. Sheer Fear gripped her heart as she pushed him away and saw his huge shaking figure, “Ri-Rishaa-aan, please…behave yourself.”
“I love you so much” he was spitting blood. He pushed her hard again, this time crushing her between the mattress and him. He tried kissing her once again while the frightened girl tried to free herself in vain.
“Rishaan!” she hissed, still enough determined to not scream and get her friend caught. But her voice’s panic failed to stop him. Rishaan was soon rubbing his lips over her throat while she shivered and sobbed.
“I love you”, he muttered.
“No-please stop-” she begged. He continued moving down, burying his face in the shaking cleavage. It was her furious yelp that brought him back to senses. She felt him loosening his hold over her wrists; without losing a moment she pushed and kicked him away. With a dull grunt and thud rishaan was on the ground while his guilt and shame knew no bounds.
“This is why you loved me!”
He rose and stood uncertainly for sometime, not understanding what had happened to him and what must be done next other than leaving her alone. All of this seemed a nightmare to him. Were Diya’s persistent cries from the attached washroom, where she had locked herself, imaginary too? Or really he had become her fear instead of happiness?
Like a wise friend, who carries away his shocked mate from the grave of his beloved, his legs acted on their own and brought him into his own room.
The other day, reasonably, Diya refused to do anything except locking herself in her room and meet anyone except Kia while Rishaan was busy deciding whether the idea of suicide is better than getting killed by Kia who will make sure it becomes the most painful death in history. Natural, he has hurt her ‘sister’, her best mate. But how can he express his own disbelief and grief at his actions…
At this moment, the silence broke and so would have happened to the door had he not opened it immediately for Kia was hammering it wildly. In front of him stood a mad-with-rage girl with a throbbing temple and teary eyes instead of a harmless happy-go-lucky tomboy.
“Kia, I-”, but he could not complete. What will he say? Apologize for his stupidity? Say it was an accident? He lost control and became a devil? Would she or she believe?
He left her breathing heavily at the doorstep and went back and sat on the chair facing the wall waiting for the cyclone to break over him, wishing he had the first-aid kit ready. Whatever, he deserves it actually. A few moments later instead of a heavy punch over his neck he felt a calm palm over his shoulder. It was so understanding, so soothing and caring that Rishaan broke down with guilt and despair.
Ouch! A forgiving touch hurts more than a fatal blow to the guilt-ridden mind.
“I understand Rishi. Now stop it, I know how not being loved feels. Diya is alright now-please stop crying, dude,” she said kneeling beside him as he bit his lips hard, tears rolling down his cheeks.
“I understand how desperate you must have been to make her understand your feelings. All that was unintentional, okay? I have handled her. She now knows you never wanted to hurt her. Rishaan looked at her. It was quite expressionless for her intense words. Maybe she had just been bluffing that she wasn’t mad at him, maybe they were secretly planning to poison him, maybe…
But all this can be the readers’ views-for Rishaan had already believed that Kia was the true angel in disguise, a real friend indeed who never lost faith in him. Was it just their long old friendship that had defended his character or some other intense feeling inside her that saved the day? Rishaan spent the entire day pondering about this and by evening when he came back after a long lonely walk by the Baga beach, he had finally reached to the conclusion. Kia stood by him through thick and thin. Only a few idiots get a friend who goes unnoticed, is neglected, avoided; and yet remains there when needed. Forgiving, forgetting every time.
Diya has someone else. Its useless wasting hopes over someone who has clearly given a big ‘NO’. He must move on to the right path and right person. Yes.
The evening star had revealed itself. He was crossing the graveyard behind a church on his way to the hotel when he saw them. In front of the cemetery gate, Diya was busy snogging another man dressed in a coat and hat. Rishaan stopped. Finally! He had a chance to see the fellow, who owned her crush’s, sorry, ex-crush’s heart. No wait, he had already disturbed her a lot, so he was about to turn away when both the passionate lovers parted. Diya had her back towards him so he could just see the panting red face of the hat-guy in the dim light of the evening. That person too saw him for her face went as pale as death as she watched Rishaan’s jaws drop and eyes widen in disbelief (or disgust).
“KIA?” Rishaan screamed and Diya turned back to see him marching towards them, eyes still wide.
“Rishi…” Kia searched for words while Diya swallowed hard for her heart was in her throat.
Rishaan looked at Diya then Kia searching for an answer, some sense, logical explanation, an ambulance for he felt giddy, when Diya broke the silence
“Meet my love, Rishi”, her voice was now calm and stern and ‘undiyaish’.
“Wh-what?” he stammered.
“Its true. I love her”, Kia pulled the slender girl closer.
“Then why? I-I thought I was your….”, Rishaan was panting, clenching his fists, the weather suddenly seemed hotter, “so”, he hissed, “You used me? To hide your s*** truth from the world? This – this… CRIME?”
“SHUT UP!” Diya slapped so unexpectedly that he lost his balance. And he felt he has lost the strength or desire to stand again and face them. He has lost his faith to
“Being homosexual is no crime, baby. We are what we are. The rest things, you and your ‘normal’ world have made us-criminals, aliens, crazy defects…”
“ENOUGH”, Rishaan sprang up, “Enough, now just wait until others know about you.” He started jogging away from them.
“Rishaan, please stop. We had no other option-we didn’t meant to hurt you”, Diya called back. He turned, returned and without a warning hit Kia’s nose brutally. Wrath was burning inside him. But he was blinded by another last fatal pain on his neck. The last thing he saw was Diya holding a bloody breadknife.
"Made us a criminal again".