Let's face it, Wynn.
You weren't made out of love. You were made out of the lustful instances between your mother and father.
They never thought of you first. They honestly just wanted to make themselves feel good. It was a spur of the moment. Their own expression of love towards each other.
And you happen to be their happy consequence.
--
Every child is a gift from God, and so the elders preached. Your parents acquiesced with that notion and so you were spared from the sucking tube.
And so you grow inside your mother's womb, you made her double in size, making her too emotional and uncomfortable in doing pretty much anything. It, too, making it too difficult for your father to exercise his nether-duties with his wife.
You have been a constant source of joy and frustration to your parents. And you continued to be until you were finally born into this world.
---
The infant you was whiny, always crying at the slightest discomfort. You could not carry your own weight and communicate all too well.
The only thing you can do is cry.
This is what you usually do at night when your parents retreat in their bed hoping for respite from the harsh duties of the day.
You, too, do this by day whenever you get hungry, about to pee or poop, or if you feel neglected.
When your mother takes you in her arms, you would know it was her for she sounded more melodic, and she feels more softer.
Other times, it was your father and you would know this as well. He has this musky scent on him. He feels firmer and less softer when you cooed and cuddled against his chest.
If it was somebody else, you'd know the difference so you start feeling upset. You unfurl those baby lips you have and let out the loudest shriek you could muster.
Immediately, you'd be within the arms of either of your parents.
----
A few months go by then you learned how to speak. How happy your parents were of you.
In a little while later, you started to ditch crawling and finally, stood up on both feet. Your parents were thrilled and you were also happy about it.
Everything was going your way until your parents waved happily by the door as you were led to a room full of screaming toddlers. You looked at them, all snot, saliva, and flailing arms. Then, you looked back to where your parents were and they were not there.
As this realization struck you, just like the toddler beside you, you joined in the symphony of wails.
Everyday would be about colors, dances, and songs. Then, your parents would get you in the afternoon and you couldn't help but notice that they feel just a tad away. But, they were happier. They smiled at you and asked you what happened with school. You tell them about the colors, dances, and songs and their smiles widen up further.
-----
Later on, these colors, dances, and songs turned into writing, reading, and arithmetic. Your teachers became less cheerful and your classmates followed suit.
You still go home as usual and your parents asked how school was .
But, this time, you knew you have to answer differently. You have to say that you got high scores and that you didn't cause any trouble there.
Upon hearing these words, they would smile and talk about the next interesting thing like their jobs.
Just like school, your parents had become less cheerful around you.
------
Not too soon, there was another baby in your house: your little brother and your parents are all too thrilled. You witness the changes that a growing baby brother has brought upon your mother, your father, and how you lived.
This further changed when he was born.
You were taken by your father inside the hospital room. Your mother is in bed. She looked fatigued and it caused you a bit of worry. Momentarily, you forgot about that when you were greeted by a little, wrinkling, pink human swaddled in a blue blanket. Your parents asked if you wanted to hold him and you nod, curious as to what this creature is. You were greeted by huge brown eyes the same shade as your own. There was a tug deep beneath your chest. You suddenly knew that you would spare this creature from the loneliness that you have felt. In that moment, tears began to fall.
-------
It turns out that your brother doesn't feel the same way towards you.
He greedily gets whatever things your parents could give him without batting a single eyelash on how you might feel. Silently, you label him as snobbish, selfish, and with no sense of control which is quite the opposite of what your parents had subtlety raised you to be.
You pointed out his flaws to your parents and they just shrugged it off because he was young. However, when big mistakes happen, you will be put to blame simply because you were the older one and you should have known better.
All of the sudden, everything becomes your fault and everything you do should be well-calculated as a game of Minesweeper. Or else.
--------
Friends would make you relax. They help you be yourself. They don't reprimand you if you hated today's lesson or the shade of red Mrs. Tiongson's hair is for they simply felt the same way. Naturally, your changed loyalties and rallied around your friends. You defied curfews, created all sorts of excuses to go out on the weekend just to be with them. You ignored your mother's pleas of staying at home and tutoring your little brother who was struggling with Math.
You've spoiled that little shit rotten so why should I help you with that mess?
You politely threw a saccharine smile at your father, using the importance of extra-curricular activities to academic honors. And the matter was closed.
You get to sleep with Sandy tonight.
But you didn't just sleep with Sandy, you went out clubbing with her and she was swept away by another person. Without any place to go, you slept with Marco instead.
---------
Of all the wild shenanigans you've done, you graduated with flying honors. Your father hung that medal around your neck while your mother cried when you received your diploma. In the corner of your eye, you see your brother scowl at how boring the ceremony was but you kept your chin up and head held high. You couldn't care less.
----------
Now, you are in a white-collared job. Receiving tasks from bosses and making sure people get to finish their jobs on time. You learned how to play this game called corporate life and so far, you have the nicest cards in your hand. As expected, you parents couldn't been prouder.
You thought everything will go your way now. You have your parents' full attention once again. They were trying their hardest to keep your brother on a tight leash since they caught him doing drugs at school.
You should've done it elsewhere. What an idiot.
You feigned shock and concern from when your mother said it. You took her hands clasped on your own and told her that everything will be all right.
Then, your father had a heart attack. Everything went down the drain very fast.
-----------
Now, you are doing double jobs to make ends meet. Your salary goes to your father's medicine, the house bills, and your mother's attempts to bring your brother back to school.
Upon seeing his ugly mug for the first time you came back home, you knew he was hopeless. Nevertheless, your mother was just too stubborn to listen. She insisted that you send him back to school.
Something in you wanted to slap her shut but you relented, she was your mother. And so the growing bills, just left you money for rent.
Your brother swindled the tuition your mother has extorted from you and you just wanted him dead.
But, it was your father who died, not him.
You buried him with your cash advance and a few apologies to your landlady. Not sooner he died, the furniture started to vanish in your house and you spotted your mother hiding scars and bruises.
You called the police and they arrested your brother. They sent him to prison and you rescued your mother from her desolated state. Instead of being grateful, she lashed at you for taking away his precious son.
You, oh so wanted, to slap her shut just like what your brother should've done but you didn't. She was your mother and that's that.
------------
The bills had gradually lessened now that your mother is living with you in your apartment but your peace of mind was being put to the test everyday.
You cook for your mother, leave her a television to be entertained with, you do all sorts of things to please her but she only gives you more resentment.
Inside your mind, you were plotting ways of taking her out. Maybe adding bits of poison in her food? Accidentally splashing detergent on the tiled floors? It was making you crazy and your employees thinks so as well. Although, they wouldn't dream of saying it to you lest they're glad to lose their jobs.
You meet Marco once again at the same bar you and Sandy went to. He grew taller and broader in all places and you liked it. He said he'd wanted to keep you in his place and as tempted as you are, you relented.
He asked you why and you just refused to answer. And so, he turned his back at you and offered his ring to Sandy instead. It was a grand affair and you were there, adjusting the hem of Sandy's train as you fight the tears from dropping on it.
-------------
Your mother asked you when you'll get married. You just shrug it off. Thirty- five is too old for romance, the both of you know it.
Then, one day, as you were cooking breakfast. Your mother screamed for you and you scrambled upstairs. She was there on your bed as fatigued as you saw her when she gave birth to your little brother. She asked you to come closer and you obeyed.
I ask for your forgiveness, Wynn. I know I had been a bad mother to you.
You ought to reply with something consoling but the next words that fall from your mouth surprised you.
No shit, you bitch. Now go to sleep.
Her swollen eyes dilated instantly as she tries to reach for your hands. As if stung by acid, you swatted her away and retreated from the room.
She calls your name but you ignore her as you wash your hands, put on your earphones and resumed cooking. By the time you came back with a tray of steaming food, you felt the stillness of the room. You discern that she was gone from this world.
Slowly, you approached the bed and closed her bulging eyes.
--------------
The next day, a lot of things happened.
Your apartment had a sale sign on it.
Your mother was quietly buried next to your father.
Your over-worked secretary was promoted in your place.
Your little brother was transferred to a private rehabilitation home.
Sandy woke up with a stack of divorce papers and a new bankbook on her bedside table.
---------------