The last cup of coffee - II

Another day passed.

I woke up to the blinding rays of the bright summer sun. I pulled the blinds shut and fell back on the bed, not sleepy anymore. I stared up at the blank white ceiling, what was I thinking about? 

I felt numb. I tried to remember when I fell asleep last night. The cup of coffee remained intact beside my bed, just colder than the other night. Too cold. I noticed the cigarette ashes scattered across the floor. The room smelt of nothing but cigarettes from the past two days. No three maybe. Or maybe more than that. 

I got up unwillingly to open the windows. The sunlight almost blinded me. I picked up my phone and cringed at the number of good morning and Are you fine? texts. Yes I am fine. Totally. Thanks to none. I threw my phone back on the pillow right where it was.

I splashed some water on my face, the water felt hot, then warm, and gradually cold. I splashed the cold water on my face again for the last time and stared at myself in the mirror. No, not to adore my beauty. I just stared at the person on the other side of the mirror because I felt like it wasn't me. It looked sleepless, strange, tired and depressed. No, this isn't me. It can't be me.

I felt those morning hunger pangs but like everyday, I didn't want to eat. I felt sick. 

Mumma called. I didn't want to talk to her, but I knew she'd keep calling. I kept it short. Like everyday she asked me if I'm fine, like everyday I lied. Yes, I'm fine. I switched off my cell and stared blankly again. I searched for cigarettes but unfortunately I had ran out of them completely. But I wouldn't leave the house at any cost. 

I switched on my laptop. Before the screen turned on, I could see my reflection in it- tired, drowsy. I thought about the times I had let people down, the times I hurt them. I thought about how unworthy I am, how lonely I am. How I let go of people so easily, how people broke my trust, how I forgave them so easily, how I'm responsible for everything. 

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and started scrolling through my news feed. Few texts, ignored. I skipped my lunch and texted a few people just to regret it later. Dinner? Just crackers.

The day is about to end and like everyday I realize, this is not who I used to be. I realize that I have changed, but the reason? Is it him, or is it me again? 

I guess its me, like always? like always I was naive, and not sufficient for someone. Like always I gave up on him easily. Like always I held on a bit too tight, but let go thinking he would be happy. Like always, he found someone better (and they do look good together!). Like always, I was left with my shattered heart still waiting for the previous wounds to heal. Like always, I got wasted. Like always, I sit here in my dark room scribbling out things to you no one would ever know. 

Why did I let him go?

Hear me out.

I let him go because I had to. I let him go because I could sense his pain, the trauma I caused him to suffer through. The the pain in his eyes every time I disappointed him killed me inside. I could see his pain when I used to stalk him messaging other people about me, he wasn't happy. I could see is pain whenever he assured me that he's fine, but would talk to me later. I noticed his pain when he stopped saying that he misses me even after not talking for an entire day. I noticed how he had given up, how lightly he held on onto US. I noticed. I noticed his smile when he was with other people. I noticed. A lot. And it was hard for me to see him like this.

And so, I let him go.

I let him go because its okay to not be someone's Forever. I let him go because holding onto something already soured hurts more than letting it go. I let him go because I loved him enough to see him happy with someone else. I let him go because we both deserved better. I let him go because its okay to be happy with what we had, and believe there's nothing more or better to it. I let him go because we weren't meant to be.

And its okay if it hurts today, its okay if it hurts tomorrow. 

Someday, we will be okay.