The Letter I'll Never Send

To my dearest,

It's been months since the first day we met. I admit, I was captivated by your smile and your voice sounded like a beautiful melody. I have always watched you from a distance. Smiled whenever you did, frowned whenever you did. Everything you felt kind of reflected to me. I was so confused at first. I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way.

Remember the day when my friend walked up to you and told you a joke we dared her to say? I was standing a few meters away from both of you just so I could keep the beat of my heart at bay. I remembered how you suddenly looked at me and smiled before looking away. It was then that I realized I liked you.

I like you.

Every single day, my feelings seemed to grow and it hurts. You were really popular back then and I was no match for you.

And so, it may seem cowardly, but I chose to remain silent.

We grew even closer up to the point you called me your best friend. Part of me was honored while another part of me was hurt. I was wishing and dreaming if we can be more than that.

But that is all we'll ever be.

I was watching over you all the time and I saw how you fell in love with somebody else. You told me how beautiful she was, how amazing her personality was. You told me how badly you've fallen for her. I told you "Wow, good for you." when in truth, my heart said "Oh, no."

You were so in love with her that I cried with a smile plastered on my face. By then, I realized that I no longer liked you.

I love you.

I have fallen in love with you. I know, I'm not supposed to. I know, I'm just your best friend. But I can't help it. I have fallen so deep that I want you to be happy even if it means that I should let this feeling and the 'chance' of us being together go.

I let you go.

However, seeing you cry was a completely different story. I remember when you suddenly called me on my phone in the middle of the night. You asked me to step out of the house and I did. There you were, sitting on your bike looking like a mess. You turned to me when I called your name and I felt like being stabbed when I saw tears escaping from your eyes.

"It's over." you manage to say before you sobbed so hard. I ran to you and caught you just when you were about to collapse. You reeked of alcohol that night. I brought you in and took care of you. Even in your dreams, you were crying and calling out her name.

Why? 

Why must she hurt you this bad? 

As I was wiping your face with a warm cloth, I began to ask myself with stupid what-ifs.

What if I confessed?

What if I just mustered up all the courage and told you how bad I wanted to be with you?

I cried. Is this my fault? I'm not sure.

I felt so helpless while watching you cry in your sleep. I hate to see your heart break. I hate to see you cry. I want to see your smile again. I want to see that smile that captivated me and brought me to where I am in your life now.

I want the old you back.

But I guess I can't.

You suddenly changed. You were drifting farther away from me. As usual, I was looking at you from a certain distance and I witnessed how desperate you were to forget her. You were so desperate that you started to play with fire. You dated different girls in less than a week and probably even had one night stands.

Our High School days is almost over and I was diagnosed with cancer. I decided not to tell you because I doubted it would matter to you now.

Once again, I kept silent. But then, as I was on my way home, you talked to me and greeted me the way you did before. You apologized to me for the things you've done for the past few months even when I didn't say anything.

We went back to what we used to be. Best friends. 

On our graduation day, you talked to me when the ceremony was over. You told me about your decision in college. That you'll be studying somewhere far. That you were leaving. You looked so happy while you were telling me this and then you suddenly asked about mine. I just smiled and said, "I'm staying here."

"This isn't goodbye, okay?" you said and I couldn't help but cry. You did too, which took me by surprise. "I'm so damn lucky to have a best friend like you. Promise me this isn't goodbye." 

I cried even harder. We had our last hug before I slightly pushed you away. I tried my best to meet your eyes and managed to say 'Later' before turning away. My heart was aching so bad and I knew I'm going to have an attack soon.

I wasn't wrong, on our way home, I had my second heart attack. I was drifting away, weakening. I hoped to see you one last time but I don't think I can handle seeing you cry because of me again.

I'm writing this letter without the intention of having it sent to you. 

I love you so much. For five whole years, I have only been in love with you and no one else. As I lay in my death bed, all I think is those times that we've spent together. 

This is goodbye after all. I'm sorry. I couldn't keep my promise.

Love,

Your Best Friend