The Morning After I Tried Killing Myself

I woke up in a hospital bed, full of nothing but pain and dread while people in white are staggering in front of me just to give me what I need. I couldn't remember anything, all I can come up with is that I wanted to die. A pang of guilt struck me, I have been doing this for countless of times but I'm still here, it's funny to think that even in this field, I'm still a failure.

I tried to live a normal life just like everyone but every time I do, I am reminded that it's all bullshit. Every day living spent living in this cold and cruel world feels like dying, I'm dying every single day.

You can spare me the "life gets better, it's not the end of the world, some people have it worse" speech, I've heard that thing a million times but it isn't true, we have to accept the fact that for some people, this is reality.

Depression isn't a joke, it is not overreacting to things, it is not just a phase that everybody goes through. We have to break the norm that correlates depression to overreaction because they are two different things.

I'm tired, I'm so tired of everyone being mad at people just because they are being themselves. I think that's just how life goes; you care for the ones you love, they'll hate you, you give them everything you have, they'll still leave. Even when you try to be something you're not just so you could fit in, they're still going to try everything they can just so they can bring you down. It's like whatever you do is just not enough.

Believe me when I say that I've tried. I tried so hard to stop myself from anything like čthis again. I didn't want to hurt anyone that I love but seeing them suffer the consequences of my mere existence makes me hate myself more. I want to spare them.

I have come to a realization that I'm just a speck of dust in this world filled with billions of people, lost and wandering, wallowing in pain and silently in anguish. But just like Augustus Waters, I also fear oblivion. I'm afraid that one day no one will be left to remember me and I want to be remembered not just as the girl who "overreacts to things" but as someone who mattered, someone who was loved and someone who has hopeful.

The morning after I tried killing myself, I opened my eyes and let out a sigh. I couldn't believe I was here, alive. But I know the truth.

I know for a fact that I'm already dead inside.