The One That Got Away

“I like you.” These words kept on repeating itself inside my head like a broken disc. I couldn't believe what he just said. I could feel the thump of my heart, pounding hard inside my rib cage. He kept his eyes on me but I averted mine because it was getting quite awkward. His perfectly aligned teeth flashed on me and said, "it's okay if you can't answer it. I just want you to know how I feel."

I gulped and returned the smile. How am I supposed to answer a declaration of love of a close friend of mine? My knees began to soften when my classmate called me, who actually saved me the pain. I bolted down the hallway to get out of the awkward situation. I could hear him calling my name but I didn't turn my back. I never wanted to. Not when I didn’t have a good response for his feelings.

Yes. I felt the same way but my heart was filled with fear and I was surrounded by a cage that I made for myself. I'm afraid that it won't work out. I'm afraid that I might hurt him. I'm afraid that I might get hurt and won't be able to cope up with the pain. And I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I have a lot of other priorities that weigh more than him.

Even though I rejected him countless times, he still continued to court me. As days passed by, I grew guilty so I avoided him. I thought that it was the only way for us to focus on the bigger picture. Clearly, there’s more to everything than the two of us. Maybe, he just confused love for care. Maybe he thought it was love because I was by his side in the darkest time of his life. 

On the day of our graduation, he walked slowly towards me with an envelope in his hand. I was scared that he would confess again so I ran away from him. I ran away from the person who was ready to love me just because I wasn’t. I ran away from the person I loved most.

He called me that night and said, "why did you run away earlier?”

I didn’t answer so he continued, “look, I waited for you for four years yet, it seems like my feelings just won't reach you. This will be the last time I will ever put effort for you to realize how genuine my feelings are," he paused for a second then added, "I'll accept whatever your answer is."

I felt a pang inside my chest. His voice was trembling when he said the last part. I asked, "Why me? Of all the people why me?"

"Do I need a reason to love you? I love you because I love you and that's it." His feelings made me happy but a part of me wants to forget what he just said. I closed my eyes, preventing the tears from falling and said as clear as glass, "I really do like you Theo but I can't accept your feelings. I'm sorry."

With a heavy heart, I ended the call, running away from the person who loved me his whole life. I love him so much that I don't want him to love me back. I'm afraid that I might hurt him or he might hurt me. I'm afraid that if our relationship won't work, we might not be able to cope up with the pain. I don't think I deserve to be loved by such a man. I don't want to hurt him any further so I ended things between us before it even started. That was the last time we saw each other.

I continued my studies abroad so the chances of us seeing again were slim. I felt relieved, but later on, I can’t help but miss him. I left without saying anything, hoping he won’t come looking for me, but I know deep inside my heart I felt the opposite.

I miss the time where we just lie down on the damped grass while memorizing every detail of the starry sky as he caresses my head, the sleepless nights watching movies. I yearn for the scent of the roses he used to deliver in my room every morning, the times he held my hand whenever I'm nervous. I wish we could go back but that’s just a memory from long ago. And time won't let us go back.

I thought I would never see him again but fate kept on playing with our hearts. Maybe fate really wanted us to see each other. My sister was getting married and they wanted me to come back home. As soon as I heard this, he came to my mind. After all these years, he still has a place in my heart. He was the only one in my heart. Even though a lot of men courted me, I turned them down because I was reserving myself for him.

Being home doesn’t exactly feel welcoming. There’s always this feeling of strangeness everywhere. All of these are a part of me but I hardly remember anything. I guess I’m more accustomed to my life in New York. My mother tapped me on the shoulder and said, “did you know that Theo went to New York to look for you?”

The words she said felt like numerous knives stabbed my heart. “He went to look for me?” I said, almost like a whisper.

“Yes, but he met an accident. He broke his leg and went for a physical therapy. He just fully recovered two months ago,” she replied.

“What? Why wasn't I told about this?” I asked, not realizing I raised my voice

“We wanted to tell you but he said that he didn't want to trouble you with your work especially when you're at your breakthrough and he didn't want you to lose focus.”

I forced myself not to show any anger but he got into an accident and I didn't even know. I can feel the fear crawling up on my skin. Slowly engulfing my heart in darkness. All throughout the wedding, the fear stayed in my heart. I can’t help but shed a little tear when I saw my sister and her husband dancing. The song that was playing was the song he always sang to me whenever I can’t sleep. His voice sounded so angelic, it was pleasant to the ear. But, all I can hear now was the ghost of his voice.

When we went home, I immediately searched for his name on Instagram. While I was checking his feeds, I saw a picture of Theo holding a girl around her waist and captioned "The love of my life." I was going to call him but now that he's happy, I didn't want to meddle in his life. I turned off my phone and drowned myself with regret and the pillows of the bed. 

I needed to go back right away to New York because of work. My father wanted me to stay a bit longer but there’s nothing I could do. But to be honest, I was just using my work as an excuse to avoid a certain someone. Even though I wanted to see him, he already has someone else and I don't want to meddle in his life. They went with me to the airport. And I have to admit, saying goodbye really is the hardest part of one’s life.

When I got to New York, it felt like nothing really happened. Except for the call that I received from my mother.

“Hey, Aria, how do I say this…Theo went to the airport just when you were boarding the plane.”

Suddenly, every nerve of my body was alert. “What? Where is he now?”

“I think he already went home. He made quite a ruckus on the airport, saying that he needed to see you…” she paused then added, “come to think of it, what happened to the two of you?”

I was silent for a moment. I thought he already gave up when I kept on avoiding him. He already has someone else. Why does he need to make everything so difficult? He really can be stubborn sometimes. I sighed deeper than usual, feeling the beat of my heart inside my chest. I tightened my grip on the phone and said, “there are instances in our life where changes happen and that’s what happened to us. We changed.” I couldn't tell them that I got afraid and turned him down. I wanted to tell them the truth but telling them is just like reliving the pain of my lost love.

A tear escaped my eyes. What was just a tear a few seconds ago was a loud sobbing a minute later. My back pressed hard on the wall as my palm covered my face. Tears escaped the hold of my hands. From that moment on, I promised myself that I won’t cry again because of him. But for now, I will cry myself to sleep thinking about what could have happened if I said yes.

Ten years have passed since then, but my heart still yearned for him. My feelings only got stronger when my sister sent me a letter from Theo, which was actually the letter he was supposed to give me on the day of our graduation.

The letter said, 

      Dear Aria,

              I know it's cringy to write love letters these days but since you love papers, letters and everything that has to do with literature I decided to do this. I know that you only look at me as a friend but I really wanted you to know that I really love you. It's okay if you don't feel the same way but I don't want our friendship to be destroyed because of me. I've been bottling everything inside me for years then when I decided to tell you four years ago everything changed. We hang out less and you were constantly avoiding me. I didn't like what happened and I hope I didn't tell you how I felt but I really do love you and I want you to know.  I hope we can reconcile. I don't want to lose my best friend. You're the only one I have left in this world. 

      Yours truly,                                                                                                                     Theo.

P.S. I missed the sound of your laugh.

I grasped my mouth with my palm. I was so selfish. I didn't even realize that he was having a hard time because of what I did. Now, I feel guiltier. Before reading the letter, I thought I was okay with how things are but now I don't want to lose him. I want to set aside my fear and face him. If I let fear cloud my life again, nothing will change. I want to let go of this heavy feeling in my heart. I want to be free. 

I grew desperate to find him, trying to mend our broken relationship. I asked our former classmates for his whereabouts but I only got his number. But that was more than enough. Now, I'm going to face him, to return the love he freely gave me.

On the way home, I gathered every inch of my courage to call him. Suddenly, droplets of water poured down on my phone. I stopped by a wedding boutique shop to seek shelter from the rain. Then when I saw the name of the shop, I remember that this is the shop that I told Theo about. They made beautiful wedding dresses which I really love. Elegant but simple. I remember telling him that if I get married, I'll buy my wedding dress in this boutique. 

I returned my sight on my phone as I entered the shop and sighed heavier than usual and pressed the call button. My heartbeat became louder as the ringing got longer. Maybe he was busy or he's with his girlfriend. I can't help but imagine such things. I wanted to end the call but I already decided to tell him how I feel. It took him more than a minute to answer my call. Then, finally, he picked up.

"Hello?" Just from the sound of his voice, I knew it was him. I remembered the way he looked at me. The way he treasured me. The things he did for me. But I also remembered how I shattered his heart. How I ruined what we almost had.

"Theo? It's me Aria." He became silent. I waited for him to say something but he was still silent. I was looking at the dresses while calling him but he wasn't responding so I froze.

My fingers twitched as I turned around and saw him inside the boutique, his ash-gray eyes locked on mine. I didn’t know he was staying here in New York. For a moment, I thought I saw the Theo that I know. However, my eyes were playing games with me. He looked more mature, his hair was longer but well-trimmed compared to ten years ago. I saw a woman rushing to him and hugged him from behind. It was the woman from the picture. 

Just from that, I already knew. His soft lips stretched into a smile, his eyes glinting of pure bliss. I knew those eyes, that smile, they were familiar to me like the feeling that never left my heart. He used to show me that. But now, he's getting married. He's already happy. I ended the call and gave him one last smile, hiding the tears behind the forced smile. I promised myself not to cry again because of him, but I guess I’ll be breaking that promise. I left the boutique and ran into the rain. I hope the rain hid my tears because I didn't want him to see me crying. But it doesn't matter now. He finally found his happiness but I admit, it hurts to think that it wasn't me who was with him. I really do love him so I have to let him go. I don't want to keep him when his heart is already owned by someone else.

I can’t help but wonder. Would anything change if I took the risk and let go of my fear? I’ll never know the answer to that question. I was ten years too late. I guess we were just meant to pass by each other but not stay together. He was my one that got away. In the end, I only regretted the decisions that took me too long to make, the chances I didn't take, the mistakes I didn't fix and the words I left unsaid.