You are wrong. Isaiah isn’t the one I’m in love with. I’m in love with Vance. Although I told him to never forget.
We all grew up together but it wasn’t until Vance held me in a hug when my parents divorced that my heart created a folder with his name on it. That folder was then filled with anything I can get from Vance. A greeting, a farewell, a common smile, a nod, a laughing face with others. I was falling, endlessly and hopelessly, in love with him. By sophomore year, my feelings made me a stalker. I watched Vance so closely that I scared even myself. I couldn’t bear it anymore, so I asked him out.
Yes, I was the one who asked him out. At that moment, after I confessed every embarrassing word of love to him, he stared at me. Then with a hand on my shoulder, he told me to give him time to think about it. I should have known then and there that it was a rejection. Yet, the folder refused to delete all those precious and useless things it had harbored.
By the next day, he promised me that he will try to be a boyfriend worthy of me. You have no idea how happy I was. I smiled the whole day and when he waited for me at the end of school, oh with a smile that could kill me happily, I was the happiest person alive that second. But then I saw his eyes flickered, past me, beyond me, to someone else. Someone... else.
But I was in love and he was willing. So we hit it off with those relationship things. You know, texting each other late nights, talking on the phone for hours, and sending silly pictures. Oh, I was so miserably in love that I fail to see it was solely one sided. And when the evidence hit hard on me, I was so miserable.
We rarely hang out with each other, alone. That should have been a flag, but I was fine with it. Having to spend time with Vance, even with other friends, I was fine with it. Besides, we all grew up together, we were all friends. Vance, Isaiah, Lexi, Danny, Sophia, Becky, and me. A group of friends who cared about each other, more or less. And they all know too because what kind of friends keep secrets from each other?
To be honest, Vance didn’t really hang with us like that. He was the son of the trailer company and was always busy helping his father’s company grow. He’s very smart, as you have known, and very dedicated to those he loves. He was always very mature too, serious but open minded as well. That is why I thought he was a boyfriend more than worthy of me.
After we started dating, the seven of us hang out more frequently than in the past. We would all got to the park together, eat lunch together, and hang out late into the night together. Since we all live in the same neighborhood, we have this system where we each drop each other off, the girls were always first to be dropped off, but since Danny lived close to Becky, they go as a pair. Then Lexi was next with Sophia. I was the last girl to be dropped off leaving my then boyfriend with Isaiah.
I used to hate that Vance lived far from me and closer to Isaiah because I wanted to be the last one with Vance. And that anger, or was it jealousy? It grew. Vance never really paid much attention to me, to begin with, but every time he dropped me off, Isaiah waited by the street and he quickly bid his farewell with a kiss on my forehead and was off to Isaiah. Every time. And Isaiah, although he was a guy too, never leave Vance. He waited for him. Every time. That was when I started to notice the little details between those two.
In our younger days, Vance and Isaiah never really did get along. They would always argue since both of their parents were owners of their own companies. The other five of us would just laugh and said, “Rich brats!” But their arguments, as I observed with my miserable feelings of love, were entirely different. It was not hated, although it seemed so, it was not anything close to a rivalry, although it seemed so. Their arguments were still heated and laced with anger beyond anger, but they alway sigh it off. And after everyone stopped paying attention to those two, whoever started the argument would slightly touch the other, with their shoulders, feet, hands, and even with their eyes. Apologies in words that I, no one but them, would understand.
It carried on, for months. My miserable feelings and Vance’s un-growing love for me. We did kiss a couple times, yes we did. But they were quick kisses, like the ones he gave me on my forehead. And although my heart said something else, I knew there was nothing in those kisses of his. It stung to know, so I ignore it and hoped that Vance would stop looking past me.
There was this one time after a late night karaoke, everyone was dropped off leaving just the usual three of us. Vance was saying good night when he leaned down to kiss my forehead. I turned my head up and caught his lips on mine. I pushed forward and kissed him. When my eyes opened, I saw his eyes of shock. By then, just so you know, we’ve been dating for three and a half months. So I was surprised to see he was shocked from such a simple kiss. And like I said before, we had kissed before too.
“Night,” he said then turned away. I can’t help but noticed that Isaiah was staring at us. And that time, for the first time since my bidding, Isaiah left first. Vance didn’t say anything, he just silently followed him, no it was more of like he chased after Isaiah.
The next day, we all were having a picnic style dinner that us girls made, outside in the park waiting for the sun to set. I mean, the very first moment I saw Vance that day, I saw the hickeys. Vance was wearing a collared shirt but the collar held no bearings for my feelings. I ignored it of course, but it was hard when it was all my eyes could see whenever I turned to my boyfriend. It was almost as if the hickeys were territory marks as if it was saying, “This man is mine, don’t you dare try to kiss him again.”
Isaiah was fairly quiet that evening. Vance was enjoying the dinner more so than not. Isaiah didn’t meet my eyes at all, Vance did his best to be close to me but kept his eyes so evidently on Isaiah. Then all hell broke loose when Danny pointed to Vance and said, “No wonder you are so cheery today, Vance. I see those marks of love. Didn’t know you were that possessive, Vanessa!”
The mental police finally broke open the doors to that folder of Vance and demanded a search. They even set their warrant onto the table. They were furious with the folder. But I smiled at Danny and grabbed Vance’s arm, “Damn right!” My voice was so happy, I should have entered into acting school instead.
I saw Vance’s eyes, the same shock. And then they flickered, past me, right onto Isaiah’s eyes of a shock too, while our friends laughed on.
Isaiah didn’t even bother waiting when we reached my house that night. He went right on straight ahead. Vance didn’t say anything as he walked me to my door. Then as I reached to open the door, he grabbed my hand and said to me, the saddest thing anyone I loved could be said, “Vanessa, thank you for your love. But as you can clearly see, I am not worthy of you. I, too, have someone I love deeply.” He didn’t smile as he added, “I’m sorry.”
I held onto him before he can leave and I told him, “I love you, Vance. Please don’t forget that.”
He apologized as he took my hands off of his hand then walked away. But I was watching, when I saw him ran after Isaiah once he reached the street. And I was watching, when I saw Isaiah came out from the shadow and grabbed Vance’s hand. They love each other.
I was heart broken, Biki! I was numb that night, I cried nonstop. When the rest found out that we broke up and how broken I was, they drifted toward me to comfort me. All but Vance. Isaiah was there even, telling me that I will find someone better than Vance, that Vance was not even worth it. Yeah, not worth it for me, but for him. That possessive asshole. I was so mad at him, at both of them, for ruining my love and hopes. Vance drifted farther from us, but when he does hang out with us, he still only has eyes for Isaiah. If I was to know anything to be true, then that was it. It was that they love each other.
I wanted revenge, Biki. I wanted nothing more than to destroy their love too. Isaiah got in between our love, I will get in between theirs as well. But that was dumb of me.
Isaiah and I became good friends, of course. We cared about each other. At first, it was all an act from me. But as the senior year started closing, as we were all reaching adulthood, and with Vance always busy, it was only Isaiah and me. And I fooled myself, that I was in love with Isaiah. He was a kind person, to be honest. Ever since we were little, he had protected me and was always there for me when I needed help the most. It’s true Vance hugged me when I cried, but it is also true that Isaiah brought the bear hug right afterward. A hug with six people was a warm hug.
So I told Isaiah I may have feelings for him. He told me that I shouldn’t expect anything. I swore he was going to add in, “Besides, there’s someone I’m deeply in love with too.” But he didn’t. He patted my arm and was gone. I would be lying if I don’t tell you that I watched him walk toward Vance’s house after he dropped me off. Every time.
Revenge was gone when Isaiah came to me and gave me a kiss, right in front of everyone. He smiled and said, “Maybe we should try it.”
I was happy, well, -ish. I caught someone in the audience, my ex, Vance. His eyes glared at not me, no, at Isaiah. And I knew right there and then that I was being played with. The others were happy for us, Sophia even said she knew it was going to happen since we were so close. But I knew, Isaiah was using me as revenge for whatever it was that Vance did to him.
Their glares during those times were so suffocating. And as my plan of revenge went, I was right there in the middle of them. I was finally in between them. But after the mental police arrested and shut down the folder, my mind was clear. In so, it was clear that I was not only at that time, in between them, but I was always in between them. Since the beginning.
Like Vance, Isaiah didn’t touch me. And like Vance, Isaiah kept his eyes on someone else, someone passed me, beyond me. It was mostly a glare. And like Vance, Isaiah’s territory marks were visible. “Don’t you dare try to kiss him,” the hickeys seem to said.
I couldn’t bear it at all. I was about to break up with him when he got into that accident. It wiped his memory and I was happy. “Finally, a chance for my revenge,” I told myself. Thus I infuse the memory-less Isaiah with all my sweet talks and love. I did my best to be beside him and kept Vance far. Whenever Vance did have a chance to meet my memory-less Isaiah, he wasn’t alone, thus he was forced to be cast as “just another friend.” But.
But even my memory-less Isaiah knew something was missing from him, knew that he didn’t love me, knew that he craved for someone else. And then the road trip happened and I was defeated. Isaiah’s memory didn’t come back completely, but he was completely sure that Vance was the one he loves. And on that road trip, I saw the completely wrecked Vance turned into someone soft and loving, all for Isaiah. Biki, I was always in between them and I was still in between them. The person I wanted was reserved for someone else. That soft hearted and loving Vance, the person I longed, was solely and undoubtedly reserved for Isaiah, only.
Since the beginning, Biki.
So, no. I do not love Isaiah. I love Vance. I’m still not sure, even today if this stupid love of mine is gone yet. And I am also unsure whether which three of us was eviler. Vance, for having lied to me and broke my heart; Isaiah for having tricked and used me; Or me, oh miserable Vanessa, for having known and stayed in between two people who were in deep love with each other.