I'm tired of this.
All my life I've never been this disappointed to everything and everyone, to myself and to others who fail to do their part. I wish I could have the strength to force them without any second thought and to not be afraid of what they thought about me. I know that I did everything to make things work out the way I want it to be. It's hard to make any expectation into reality because each one of us have different perception of what reality is and what we expected to happen can suddenly change in an instant with different criticism and suggestions. I believe that anything that is given to me would work out if I somehow put the burden into me to avoid any disruptions of my own ideas. I know it's kind of selfish but I just don't want to collaborate with others, because they just can't meet my expectations or standards or whatsoever. So this is why I look like a college girl who's trying to finish a thesis in a middle of the night, in short I look so effin' stress and pressured.
Every time I tried to interact with them, it's so hard for me to find the right words to say with my very soft voice and the anxiety of being judged in front of everyone. I can't even show to them that I am mad because I can't.
I just can't.
Even if deep inside I really wanna shout them at the top of my lungs because they're not trying to listen and they're not trying to help on how to work out this mess.
I've tried everything.
I keep on reminding or telling them that this is what they need to do and they just forgot it or put the thought aside because they have something else in their mind, which really irritates me the most. I'm trying my best so that everyone would participate and do their part but they don't tell me something in advance. And then, when I was always ready to do it, they just crush my expectation because they are not available or they can't do this and that on the scheduled day like wat da fuk. I felt really disappointed. They're running out my patience. I was already determined to finish everything. But others can't just meet my expectations, others still whine with the duties given to them. Can't they just do it for the sake of everyone?
They're not the ones who suffer throughout the struggles. They're not the ones who'll face the burden in the end.
It's me.
I'm the one who'll carry everything to take it to the finish line. It is me who started it, it is me who'll finish it. See, I'm the one making all the efforts for the sake of everyone. I am the only one who multitask. They only waste a minute or two of their time but I waste a lot of hours and with all those sleepless nights just to get things done. It was me who's always suffering. It was me who always chase them. It was me who always beg. It was me who get disappointed to myself and to everyone.
They took me for granted because they don't know I was hurting.
I only bury it deep down so that I will not disappoint them. I am so confused of everything. I wish I could flip the switch of the other side of me.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired playing nice.