Dear lover,
I know you've asked yourself to stop, million times. After knocking countless times in his heart, countless times you've been rejected.
And I know it is not the first time you think of flying away, away from him. There were nights of breaking inside and crying to sleep. There were more mornings when you thought you completely won over yourself and you'll start thinking of him, lesser, beeping lesser until you totally got used of everyday without him, or blocking his messages, deleting everything, giving yourself amnesia and forget his face, his smiles, his voice, his habits and his ways that melt your heart, but, as the day ends, you realize you are fooling yourself again. You cannot.
You cannot.
It is simply because, you cling onto the hope that his eyes will look at you the same way you're looking at his soul; that one day, he won't look at her and would walk straight to your side and won't leave until days on earth are over; that he will realize that your arms never left even if he wants some other warmth.
You hope that all the love that you've been showering him would lead him to find you more than a friend but a vessel to contain his passion, his dreams, his body, his love, his devotion, his everything. And the honor would be completely yours.
I know you've been dying to tell the woman he loves how blessed she is because of him but you know you can't do that. I know you think of yourself lesser than her and even asked yourself over and over again, what's wrong with you.
"Is she prettier than me?" "Is she sexier than me?" "Is she a better woman tha me?" "Is she the only one he can see?" "Why not me?"
These are the times you feel like drowning in self-afflicted pain, tired all over, wasted and broken. These are the times you'll convince yourself, it is not what you deserved and you'll tell yourself to wake up and stop loving him, again.
Again.
Again, because when you thought you've made up your mind, there he goes again, asking for you to come over, rescue him, stay with him because he's lonely, alone, he needs companion, he needs you to stay up late this night and be the one he talks to. He likes to grab you in his adventures, joy rides and midnight stop overs because again, he is alone. And again, you exist. What ifs are banging in your head everytime like this. So much that it hurts like torture but can't say no. There were glimpse of hope again. He makes you feel he needs you and this time, it's going to be more. You know the cycle of unreciprocated love of yours but then, you hope too much that the cycle someday will stop. Someday he will choose you.
You love him and you know loving him should be enough, and it's killing you because you're craving for more. How can I blame you, that is just the way it is. Not all love can be reciprocated by the people we want.
And for all of this, I am so proud of you. You are really brave. You have a heart not everyone possesses. You should remember that nothing's ever put into waste. At least, you know you are capable of giving massive love and still have more to give.
I won't tell you to stop but I will not let you close your heart for others either. It is impossible not to receive love after showing the world how much you can give. It can be him and it can be someone who will show you how to be loved unconditionally.
You are your own kind of beautiful. You are special and that can't be taken out from you.
The next time you see yourself nobody, remember that there is always love waiting for you.
Cheer up! You go girl!
love,
another lover