Un-Believable

Nothing I say would sound believable to you. This is not the first time. And I doubt you would even remember. and I would NEVER win against you and your beliefs.

I always tell myself, that in this relationship I would try my best to understand, give way and be the better person. Because that's how much I value what we have. Yun pala, hindi ko pala kaya na parating ganito. May hangganan din pala ang pagbibigay at pagunawa ko. May hangganan din pala ang kaya kong pagintindi at pagpaparaya.

For the first time, I ought not to talk and give way. Given that dis is just one day after our anniversary. Yeah it wasn't suppose to be a big deal but it always sounded each time that you never believe me. Before I would shrug it off and say to myself, maybe you are just kidding. But this time, it all felt different, i felt hurt. Prolly because of all what this heart is carrying. all my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, mustered into one.

As I try to hold back my tears for you not to notice, I wait. I wait if for the first time your pride would give way. And here I am, just waiting. And as I wait, i Think. I think deeply once again.

I look back in my past and dare question myself, has it been my fault? why am I always to blame? Am I to blame myself too? Because believe me, I have been doing so. And so I think so lowly of myself. Not deserving the love every woman deserves.

As I hold back my mucus from falling, so you wont notice I am about to cry, I attempt to distract myself. And realizing, no one would really know me better than my self, understand me better than my self.

Going back, i would try to analyze, may be, just maybe. I do not deserve what I claim. not deserving of the attention, not deserving of the love, not deserving of the humility, not deserving of the apology, not deserving of anything.

And this time, i can no longer hold back my tears. I let them fall and escape my eyes as my heart cries for pain. I turn sideways so you wont notice. because I am afraid you will say, nagiinarte lang ako.

I, with a deep sigh, try to control the burst of tears and falling mucus because the tissue aint readily available for me.

I glance at you and see you sleeping, im afraid sleeping comfortably that when you wake up, all is okay but we never got to talk through things. How I wish that would change.

And deeply, in my heart and in my mind, I know. I still love you. Just unsure if you love me back the same. 😔