It's time to tell a story about the person who brought me to a new Universe and slowly dimmed the stars as they left.
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I stand in awe staring at the patch of sky I limitedly saw at that time. The constellations were just a few of what I was about to discover, but from what I could see, it seemed like the whole Universe infront of me... infront of us.
When you looked at me, I saw the same 'Universe' in those dark brown eyes. I never knew that those same pair of eyes could take me to an unforgettable journey...
Anyways... Let me take you back --back before everything went blackout.
Ironically, during those early days, blackouts were constantly occuring due to power shortages (if you can relate, well... Kudos), but there was this specific night... a perfect night, where even the darkest shadows crawled back behind the bushes and trees as you walked passed them.
You never knew how I saw you bring light to my life and joy to my being.
Lol. Poetic much? But yeah, it was literally true. Infact, you were bringing a flashlight with you back then, that'd explain why "shadows crawled back" as you passed.
You never knew that on that night, I tried my best to contain everything I've been keeping inside for a long time. I wanted to set aside what I felt for you at that moment so I could focus on you, and not focus on my unending trail of thoughts.
I wanted to know how your Universe ever came to existence... I wanted to know the complexity of altering those intricate lines written in the palms of your hands, in the smile on your lips and the joy in your heart. And you granted my secret request.
I became someone to you. And being a 'someone' to that 'someone' special is quite an achievement though, hahaha. Congrats to me huh? Not exactly.
All those late-night calls, those daily doses of care, those heart-to-heart conversations, all those times we spent together, the promises we said, the treats you gave me, and the hope that I was more than a 'someone' to you... All of these?
These were what made up our little Universe... and these are what caused it to fall apart.
These memories were ours, but...
There was never an "us"...
There wasn't a "you and me"
There was just a "you" and there was a "me". Never together.
The things that made up 'our little Universe' was just your way of showing how important I was as your friend.
Friend.
Let's have a quick flashback. Shall we?
**
You called me up to meet you at our happy place.
The afternoon you called me up, along with our closest friends...
Was the afternoon where two hearts were torn, two hopes were shattered, and two people were silently dying inside. One heart was broken, and the other one? It's still breaking to this moment.
Long story short...
The girl you love —the girl you once had, replaced you for someone she never wanted.
It sucks that she never told you about her arranged marriage, I know.
Well for me? My special 'someone', had loved another, who left for another.
Crazy love story, eh?
You stared blankly at the floor, remembering how you watched your world crumble apart.
I held back my tears as I watched both of our worlds fall apart..
Little did I know that the one I've been longing for, longed for someone else.
Little did I know that I was never the song, your heart was singing.
Little did I know that I was just a spec in your world.
Little did I know that all those things, never really meant anything special at all.
But, little did you know about the pain of watching both worlds being devastated.
Little did you know about my misery when you attempted suicide.
Little did you know about the muffling tears behind those calls.
Little did you know about all these feelings.
Little did we know.
**
Slowly, we drifted apart. Our long conversations were replaced by mere Hi's and Hello's. We don't even know how to start one now.
We did not drift apart because of the devastating events that occured, we just unknowingly grew apart, I guess. You had your own brand new world, and I had my old wreckage being put back together.
Nonetheless... Stars got dimmer, nights grew colder, days were longer, and everything was never the same without you.
No, not "you". It's the 'YOU' that I thought YOU were.
But hey. I can't blame you. I can't blame you for letting me hold on to something that doesn't even exist.
I can't blame you for treating me as if you had no 'significant other' to care about.
I can't blame you for not hurting me enough. I can't blame you.
It's okay. I understand. And I will always understand. Because I knew.
I knew you hated rejections, and not receiving care, love and respect. You hated how your dad had not loved your mom enough. You hated how your dad abused you and how your family didn't seem to care about you. I knew you hated how you were victim-blamed in elementary school. You hated how people belittled you. You hated how people rejected you, and how they accused you of doing something you... never did.
So you gave it all away. You never wanted anyone to suffer the same kind of suffering you had, so you treated everyone how you wanted to be treated when you were younger.
You fear rejection, so you avoid rejecting. You fear not being loved, so you end up forcing yourself to love others too much, that it became something fake.
I wish you knew how hard it is for someone to realize that everything was just sugar-coated. And for my case, every thing was just for the sake of me, not getting hurt. I wish you knew that it would hurt me more upon realizing it was all "for the sake of" blah blah blah.
I wish you knew.
But hey. I knew you saw me differently, you told me that.
I thought it was something else more... But, No.
I was always that 'friend' you could lean on to. I was always that person you could confidently approach even after months of not talking to each other, and it would seem that nothing has changed between us.
We were so close... Yet, still so far.
Even if that was the case, I didn't care, because I love you.
I will always do.
But I was always afraid to say so.
And these stars will remind me of that.
These stars that I see on my limited vision are the same stars I saw years ago. The same constellations, the same memories, the same wishes, the same dreams, and the same nightmares that still haunt me up to this day.
They remind me of my mistakes, my regrets; the pain I went through and the joy that I'll never forget. They remind me of how happy you are now-- forgetting about eveything we had.
While I, on the other hand, still bleed where the wounds should have left a scar by now.
These stars will serve as beautiful nightmares for me.
The same patch of sky we both look up to, will forever serve as a bittersweet memory of each other.
I guess, I should just end this story here.
So yeah, this was how the stars turned to nightmares,
And how I was brought to a new Universe. A Universe now in ruins.
You're an awesome person, and you still deserve the best.
You deserve to be happy, with or without me :)
Good Night, James.