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Untitled…

By R J
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When will this year end?

It seems to go on forever.

And with it, the misery it brings, and the pain,

It just keeps going on and on,

I want this year to end.

Right now, if possible.

That way, at least I’ll be able to put the blame completely on me,

Of all of it,

The fights, the hate, the hurt and pain,

Because right now,

I don’t know,

Who is the problem here,

Or what is the problem, for that matter.


Are they the problem?

Is it their small thinking?

The way they keep shouting all the time?

Is it the way they behave in our house?

Outside, they’re the best,

The way they blame it all on me,

While not doing so at all?


Or,

Am I the problem?

They say that.

Am I not strong enough?

Am I wrong?

How messed up am I?

And why?

Why am I messed up?

It makes no sense at all.


They’re all so good,

Some others say,

I couldn’t have had better,

My family’s the best,

Those other people say,

So, is it really me?

It must be,

I have began to think so now,

I hate to think,

Anything;

People appreciate this in me,

This good observation,

And deep thinking.

I have began to hate it now,

I don’t want it,

Not if it makes me so messed up,

Not if I have to bear so much pain.


Take it away,

I don’t want it ,

Not if I have to be like this,

Not forever,

Some time is okay, I guess,

I think I can manage,

Or at least, I think that I think I can,

But not forever,

I cannot keep it up,

I cannot keep doing this much longer,

And even if I could,

I don’t want to,

I don’t want to live like this,

I cannot,

I’ve already started on my path to insanity,

I can feel it,

And if I keep it up,

I know I will go insane, for sure.


I am not strong enough,

Not nearly,

I need help,

But there’s no one,

No one I can see,

All alone, I am,

In pitch black pits of Tartarus,

Confused,

“... It’s like the walls are caving in…”

I need to get out,

I am all alone,

I don’t have a Percy with me,

Nor do I have an anchor here,

Those who are, are all distant now,

Faded,

I cannot call for help,

I cannot make it out on my own,

What do I do?

How do I get out?

Of my personal Tartarus?

Of this?


And in the end,

Songs come to mind,

“... help me, it’s like the walls are caving in…”

“... there’s pain in my heart and it won’t go away…”

“... give me some sunshine…”

“... bezubaan kab se mei raha, begunaah sehata mei raha…”

“... I need to lose you to love me…”

“... all you gotta do is hold on, just hold on…”, yes, I’m holding on,

But,

For how long?

And how do I keep holding on?

There is only so much hope one can have...


All I can do right now,
Is to hold on to my Hope.



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Untitled…

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Part of the Confessions collection

Updated on October 01, 2020

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