© 2013
Years ago, my mother would always tell me that she will always be there, that no matter what I do or say, she will never leave me.
“Momma, can I play outside please?” I always ask her every morning when I was still 5 years old.
“No baby, the outside world is dangerous for you. It is better that you stay inside where it is safe,” was her same reply.
After that repeated conversation, she will lock the house, go outside and get us food. I will be left alone wondering where she went and waiting for her to come back.
You told me that you won’t allow me to be alone, but why won’t you let me go outside and meet a friend? Don’t you love me Momma? I feel so lonely whenever you leave me here Momma. Things like these always bothered me before. If it wasn’t for Leroy, my pet dog, I might be long dead by now. He had been my saviour. He would always be there for me whenever my Momma is not around. Leroy was my best and only friend.
“Baby, Momma’s home!” my mother would call out to me every time she entered the house.
“Momma, Momma! I missed you so much! How come it took you so long? I was so lonely here Momma. Leroy and I have been waiting for you for a long, long time. I thought you would never come back to me again. Momma, you won’t do that to me, right? Because you love me, too, right? I love you so much more than my own life Momma,” along with a tight hug and a million butterfly kisses, I will ask her how her day was, how many people she met along the way, what are they like, what are their names, and other ordinary questions that a normal curious daughter would ask her mother. Or, so I thought…
Time and years passed and the same scenario happened over again; Momma going out to get some food, me waiting for her with Leroy while playing and thinking about what could possibly happen if Momma came home later than expected, then Momma entering the house and me enthusiastically welcoming her inside while asking the same questions again.
I thought that my life would be just fine as long as I have my Momma and Leroy with me. But then a terrible thing happened. My Leroy died. I was twelve back then. I didn’t know what to do. I called out to my Momma a million times but she’s still not coming home. My best friend, my only friend died and there’s nothing I could do to revive him. I tried to shake him, shout his name or give him water and food. But he’s still not breathing. Then I remembered something that my Momma has taught me before. Blood keeps us alive and breathing.
I ran to the kitchen and got the knife. I cut myself. With a sliced wrist, I went near my dog’s body and let some of the blood drop into my Leroy’s mouth. I didn’t know how long I have done that or how much blood went into my Leroy’s body.
“Baby, wake up. Please don’t leave Momma. Open your eyes baby. Please?”
The voice is so familiar. I can’t understand what she’s saying but I do know the owner of that voice.
“Momma, is that you? Are you my Momma? I asked her in almost a whisper.
“Yes baby. It’s me. How are you feeling?”
“I feel so tired Momma. What happened? Where’s Leroy? Is he still waiting for me to wake up? Does he still think I’m sleeping soundly that’s why he didn’t wake me up?”
“I’m sorry baby. But your Leroy is never coming back. He’s in another place now.” Tears started to form in my Momma’s pretty eyes.
“No Momma. You told me before that blood keeps us alive and breathing right? So I gave him my blood. He’s just playing hide-and-seek, isn’t he?” I replied with a smirk. I knew he would breathe again. He was just exhausted before.
I got out of my bed and searched the whole house. Momma tried to stop me but I know she just don’t want my Leroy to be caught. Silly Momma, she’s just jealous that I spend more time with Leroy than with her.
“Momma, you don’t have to be jealous about Leroy and me. I love you more than my whole life and I love my Leroy more than myself.” I told her with a hug.
“It’s not that baby. Leroy is gone now, and he won’t be coming back to us anymore. I’m so sorry baby.” My Momma is crying now. I don’t want her to be sad. I felt like crying, too.
“Don’t cry Momma. I know my Leroy will come back to me. We just have to wait just like my Leroy and I always do whenever you go out. I wiped her tears with a small smile.
But deep inside, I know that my Leroy is dead. It hurts me so much that my only friend won’t be able to be with me anymore. But if I show my Momma how depressed I am, she’ll be unhappy, too. I don’t want that.
After my Leroy’s death, my Momma didn’t go out for a while. She stayed with me all the time. She listened to my stories about the things that my Leroy and I had done whenever we were waiting for her; the times when we always play hide-and-seek and my Leroy would always be “it.”
Years passed and we ran out of food to eat. My Momma told me that she needed to go out. No matter how much I tried to stop her, she still insisted on going. She said that we won’t have anything to eat if she didn’t go outside.
“I don’t care if we don’t eat anything, just please don’t leave me Momma. My Leroy is not here yet and I don’t want to be alone. There are a lot of dangerous things out there Momma. You always tell me that before, right? I’m not allowed to go outside because it’s dangerous. So Momma, please don’t go. Please don’t leave me. I’ll die if you leave me here.” I can hardly speak clearly because of my sobbing.
“I’m so sorry baby but I can’t stay here. There’s an appointment that I need to go to. I won’t be long. I’ll be back again before you even know it. Okay?” She still treats me as a child even if I’m already 18.
“But Momma, I’m scared. There are a lot of scary things that might happen to me if I’m alone. Momma, something is wrong with me. I’m scared Momma.” I still act like a child around my Momma.
“I know baby. But I really need to meet someone and I need to get us food to survive. I promise I won’t be gone for long.”
“You’re meeting with someone other than me? Don’t you love me Momma? I will do anything for my Momma. Can that someone love you more than his life? I don’t think so Momma. There’s no one who could love you the way I love you. Please don’t leave me.”
“But it’s for your own good baby. It’s all for your own sake. I love you too baby but I really need to go. I’ll be back, so be a good girl okay? Be safe. I love you baby.”
With that, my Momma left me, alone; in this dark, empty house; with no one to talk to. I felt that something inside me wants to burst. Fear, doubt, jealousy and loneliness clouded my emotions and thoughts. What if my Momma never came back just like my Leroy? What if I was left alone forever? What if something bad happened to my Momma? What if something bad happen to me here? There are just too many what ifs. I didn’t know what to do.
Just then I saw the door. It isn’t locked. Afraid of being left alone forever, I built up the courage to step out of the house and face the dangerous world outside. I carefully followed the trail that my Momma had taken. After walking and observing the surroundings, I saw a familiar person. It was my Momma! I was relieved when I saw that there are just several residents walking around me and Momma. It’s a good thing that we live in an isolated, woody place where there are only a few people who might take my Momma away from me.
I saw her walk into a door. The sign reads Dr. Acula: Psychologist. Is this the person who wants to take my Momma away from me? I can’t let that happen! I haven’t forgotten about my Leroy yet. I still can’t believe that I lost the one whom I loved more than myself. Now, I can’t and won’t allow anyone to take what’s supposed to be mine.
I entered the room and saw Momma talking to a person dressed in a white robe. The room is full of white things and objects I haven’t seen before. Momma is seated in front of the table of the person who I assume is Dr. Acula. They seem to have a serious discussion. I went closer to them and overheard some things that I cannot understand. After a while, I saw my Momma breathed a sigh of relief. Jealousy flashed through me. The next thing I knew, I was holding a sharp object. I walked closer to them.
“Momma?” I knew they were surprised to see me there.
“Baby, what are you doing here? I told you not to leave the house because it’s too dangerous outside!”
“I wanted to see you Momma. I never wanted to leave your side so I followed you. I missed you so much Momma. I don’t want anyone to take you away from me, especially him.” I pointed to the man dressed in white.
“He’s not going to take me away from you baby. He’s just trying to help. So if you would just give Momma that knife and we’ll go home, okay?” I could tell she was trying to keep me calm so I won’t hurt anyone.
“You’re mine, only mine. I don’t want you talking to anyone but me Momma. Am I not enough for you? Don’t you love me no more?”
I approached the Dr. Acula guy.
“You do realize that you are going to steal my whole life away if you take my Momma, right? Well sorry to say that you cannot have my Momma. She’s mine and I don’t want anyone to take her away from me.” Anger is evident in my menacing voice and I knew that the man in white is scared of me. I saw him shaking because the knife is only inches away from him. Momma was dumbfounded and cannot move.
“Now, now, I don’t really intend to take your Momma away from you so please put down that knife. It’s really dangerous for someone like you to be holding such thing. If we could just talk about it in a calm way, couldn’t we?”
“Oh we could Dr. Acula. Right after I make sure that you won’t be able to take my Momma away from me.”
Everything happened so fast I could barely remember the details. All I remember was that I turned my back on him and went to my Momma and told her that I will always love her more than my life and I don’t want to share her with anyone else. With a quick slice of the knife through her, I ripped Momma’s chest open and saw her still-beating perfect red heart and watched until it stopped beating and turned into a dark shade of red. Blood flooded my hands and body but all I thought about at that moment was that I will never have to share my Momma to anyone else. I removed her heart from her chest and put it into one of the jars I saw in the room.
“Look Dr. Acula, I got my Momma’s heart! We will never be apart again and there’s nothing you can do about it. I will never be alone again no matter what!”
I never understood anything then. The fact that I have killed my own mother with my own hands haunted my dreams until this very moment. It’s been years since that murderous scene of mine.
When the doctor regained his strength after witnessing such killing, he injected something to me that made me lose my consciousness.
The moment I opened my eyes, everything came back; all the memories I had with Leroy and Momma; every single detail that happened came rushing back to my mind fragment by fragment. Then I realized how stupid I was. I killed the one whom I’ve loved more than my life! I let the one whom I loved more than myself die! And now I am truly left alone; with no one to talk to and no one to rely on. Alone. No. I can’t live alone! It can’t be! What is wrong with me?!
“NOOOOO!!! I screamed at the top of my lungs.
Just then, a guy wearing a white robe came in through the door. Dr. Acula. He then explained why I acted that way. He told me everything. From the beginning of my existence up to the moment I met him. Turns out he was my Momma’s brother. In short, my uncle.
The moment I was born, my father left my Momma alone. He abandoned us and went to his other lover. From that moment on, Momma raised me alone and promised that she will never let me experience what my father did to her. That’s why she never let me go outside to play with other kids. She introduced Leroy to me so I can have a companion whenever she leaves the house. She didn’t know that I am beginning to develop this condition the day she promised herself not to let anybody see me or get close to me. She kept me to herself in order to protect me from getting hurt emotionally that’s why I became possessive of her and Leroy.
Autophobia or the fear of abandonment was my illness. I have always wanted my Leroy and my Momma all to myself. Now that they’re gone, I need to be with them, too. There’s nothing left for me to do here. I don’t want them to be separated from me. I need to go to the place where they are. I had done enough damage. I have no reason to continue living for I had lost myself and my life the moment Leroy and Momma died.
With one last look at the heart inside the jar, I closed my eyes and started to drift off to a never-ending sleep. It won’t be long now. We will be together again. No more goodbyes. Wait for me Leroy and Momma!