WATCH my MIND

I am still indecisive whether to write this or not . If this will be ban or taken out, I am still glad.

I have gone to a point where I want to vanish, perhaps offer my life to those who need or want it.

I want to write letters to the world and to myself as well.

Right now, listening to hard metal rock is somehow an escape.

I just can't contain this euphoric feeling
that I have been
so withdrawn from myself
and boldly naked
with my pessimistic thinking.

But at this moment , I am struggling to make my way out of the abyss.
This doom feeling that is so
unearthly overridden with
surreal thoughts is distracting.

Those have resorted me to do
stress eating and binge drinking etc. nevertheless I have my own defense mechanism to fight stress and loneliness.

Confusion and frustration have gone too far that it devoured my consciousness and so as anxiety that have long been crippling under my bed waiting for me to come see it for myself.

My mentality have been tainted and stained and those devastating thoughts are just inside the cabin resting,
perhaps my weakness have triggered myself to knock at its doorway and try to barge in.

Rejection, problems, brokenness, expectations are so overwhelming but these are all in the mind they said, I have set it myself and I need to break free from those clanking chains.

Late at night , crying has been my stress reliever. I have also tried to cry blood entirely for I need to wipe my tears using my cut wrist. Those iron rusted smell stained have never left my memory.

Struggling to find solace within yourself is quiet hard. That blade that cuts bluntly but have inflicted pain physically is orgasmic. Emotionally, mentally shattered and disturbed but physical pain have took place that have made it pleasurable.

I know I have friends but few are just real. It is so rare that I can trust someone and tell my stories to them.

You can tell me to talk to my family but they are just one of the reasons I am now at this state that is why I just cannot do it.

You can tell me to go ask above for guidance to strengthen my spiritual side but trust me ,

the longer I contemplate and reflect, the more rocks of realisation are being thrown at me and devious thoughts are just taking over.

I have always been optimistic but the world and this life have changed drastically that I am so left behind and I need to adjust after being so shocked.

Surge of emotions have continuously rising and have gone its way to a critical level that I want to end this up 'coz I am so over with my life.

I can't even hear myself anymore ,  the voices inside of me are just so loud that it resonated in every corner of the room leaving deafening high pitch tones.

I have kept myself isolated from the world yet the world is so cruel to sneak into my life and wreck havoc.

So as to what I can tell you , I am disturbed, every aspect has been abused so

before judging someone or frankly telling them something, try to consider their reference frame, you can destroy or heal them. It is one way or the other.

I have made a lot of points here but as random  as I can point out; messy and disorganized as my head and my vandalized skin.

I dont want others to feel the same way,
This is not for someone to be triggered or for you to comment down that I am so fucked up or we share the same state .
I am egotistic this time that I need to release something out of my head. This is not to let you know that I am insane or need a psychiatric attention.

But if by chance I can write again, it means I have failed the attempt.