Mairin in 2011
Clouds move slowly in the endless wide blue sky. Wind blowing softly as if whispering something to me. Grass dances gently to the breeze. I watched them all in awe. But when I turned around, I realized that I wasn’t alone. There’s a guy behind me holding my shoulders as if trying to support me. His face was so calm like he was used to this kind of scenery. His eyes have the same color as the sky. It’s so beautiful. Then he smiled at me. There I saw the most gentle, warm, affectionate, and breath-taking smile in the world. I was so glad because I can see in his eyes that the smile was meant only for me. He was so handsome that I can’t help myself but stare at his perfect face. I looked around the place. Everything looked so peaceful. I want to stay here, where there is serenity and harmony. A place where there is peace of mind and contentment. We walked past the grassy lands until we reached sandy seashore. The seawater was a deep blue and the waves slowly collide with the shore. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes still imagining this wonderland. But when I opened them, reality came back to me. The guy disappeared. It was just a dream. I tried to remember everything but it all turned out to be a blur.
I got out of bed and said my prayers. It’s Monday and it’s the first day of my senior year in high school and I don’t want to be late. I put on my best clothes; a red blouse and jeans, simple and not too attractive. Oh, I almost forgot, my name is Alice. Alice Gilbert. Like the character in my favorite story of Alice in Wonderland. I’m an ordinary teenage girl with brownish eyes which, according to my parents, sparkle when I’m happy and turn dark when I’m sad. I always wear my hair in a small ponytail. Okay, I think that’s enough description about my physical uniqueness. After eating a heavy breakfast, I went to school. There, I went straight to our new homeroom and sat in my usual place. I chatted with some of my classmates while waiting for our adviser. You can say that I live an ordinary life. Well, that’s true. But there was one thing that mixed things up. We had a transferee student this year. The guy looked familiar to me but I can’t quite remember where I saw him. He introduced himself, saying that his name is Cheshire Flynn. I smiled a little when a flashback of a cat in my favorite story appeared ‘cause they have the same name. When I looked into his eyes, another set of memories came flooding in my mind. Then I remembered everything, the clouds, the wind, the beach, the guy holding me, every little thing in my dream. I asked myself if he was the one in my dreams and, as if he heard my question, turned to meet my questioning gaze and smiled his breath-taking smile. I can’t believe this wasn’t a dream! I secretly pinched myself to make sure if it really isn’t a dream. Ouch! It hurts. Okay. Not a dream. Wow!
After introducing himself, the teacher pointed at the empty seat beside me. Oh, I forgot to tell you. My seatmate transferred to another school in the past years so I always sit beside my best friend, the empty chair. We aren’t arranged alphabetically and I liked to sit at the farthest row of the room. But I’m not a loner or anything. “You can sit beside Ms. Gilbert, Mr. Flynn.” said our teacher, interrupting my thoughts.
We sat in silence during the whole period. After class, he made the first move which surprised me. “Hey,” he said, starting our very first conversation. “Hey yourself,” I replied. “You know, you look quite familiar, I have a feeling that I’ve seen you before,” he’s smiling again. I smiled secretly. “Do you remember the last time you saw me?” I began to think that he dreamed of me, too. “Hey, I think I remembered! You’re the one in my dreams last night!” he looked surprised and excited. I was surprised, too. Could it be that we had the exact same dream last night? I told him that he looks just like the guy in my dream, too. I don’t know why but I feel comfortable talking to him. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long already. Even if I just met him, I feel like I could trust him with my deepest secrets and feelings. Days had passed and we got closer each day. We became the best of friends. I could tell him how I feel and so does he.
The day of our prom came and he did something that truly messed with my thoughts and feelings. We were dancing in the dance floor when he told me something which changed the rhythm of my heartbeat as if it was going to explode at any second. “I love you Alice, more than a best friend. I knew from the very first day that I saw your face that you’re the one whom I’ll truly love. Please, can you be my girlfriend?” I stared at him in bewilderment. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him that I feel the same way, too, ever since I met his gaze. From the time that he first appeared in my dreams, I knew that I’ve fallen for him since then, but I can’t find the words how to say it. We were still dancing and swaying to the music but, in silence. I felt like we were the only ones on the dance floor.
He was still waiting for my answer. Then, I looked into his dazzling eyes while saying, “I’m so sorry Cheshire but I can’t let you love me,” Tears began falling from my eyes. I don’t want to hurt him but it’s the only way I know that will be good for both of us because I feel like something’s wrong with me. That’s why I can’t tell him how I feel this time. I don’t want to meet his gaze but then he wiped my tears. “It’s alright. I understand that you’re in love with someone else and you don’t want to hurt my feelings that’s why you didn’t tell my about this guy, and the fact that you only see me as your best friend. Don’t worry about it. I can still be your best friend no matter what,” he said while flashing his awesome smile.
I wish I could tell him the truth but I can’t find the guts to tell him. I just hugged him tightly, afraid to let go. He hugged me back, letting my saltwater tears ruin his tuxedo. We just stood there, in the middle of the dance floor, not dancing, but still swaying. I know that he wanted to comfort me so I let my teary-eyed face hide in his warm chest. It’s the first time I ever met a guy who’s understanding, gentle, generous, and almost perfect. You can tell that Cheshire is one whom every girl wants to have and I’m so lucky that he loves me. But the fact that something’s wrong with me and I don’t know what it is makes me want to cry in his arms forever. Then he said the most disturbing words ever, “I will wait for you Alice, no matter what.” Those words just made me want to cry even more. But then everything became blurred…
When I opened my eyes, there’s no dance floor. The light from the night before disappeared. All I could see was white. I tilted my head to explore the familiar place. I saw my Mom sitting beside me. Her face was kind of pale. I could say she was worried about me. I knew it. I was in the hospital, the most frustrating place ever. I don’t want to be here. When I managed to sit up, Mom supported my back with a pillow. The storytelling came afterwards and I was crying so hard again that I want to just get rid of my eyes. Mom told me everything there is to know about my health. I knew something’s wrong with me but I haven’t figured it out yet. Not before my mother told me that I have a heart cancer. Once I got hurt so much, my heartbeat will increase abnormally, according to her explanation. “Last night, your best friend Cheshire called me using your phone. He told me that you passed out while sobbing. We took you to this hospital ‘cause it’s the nearest. I also told him about your health Alice. He told me that he understand so there’s no need for you to worry now.” She smiled a little despite of the blinding tears in her eyes. I wiped them and let her continue. “While you’re still unconscious, the operation began and luckily, there’s someone who donated a heart to replace yours. I am very thankful to whoever the person is. The doctor said that the donor was also a patient here and that you knew him already. He died last night and said you could have his heart. Thank God the operation was a success. You no longer have cancer my dear.” More tears flowed down her cheeks. I was confused, “mom, do you know who donated this heart?” I said, pointing to my chest. “I don’t really know his name Alice, the doctor said he’s one of your classmates but doesn’t want to tell you who he is. The person said that you won’t accept the help if you knew him.” I felt a sudden shock inside me. I feel like I’m going to pass out again. Then I remembered him. “Mom, where’s Cheshire?!” I almost shouted the name of my best friend. Mom sat silently as if thinking for the right words to tell me. “I think Cheshire, he… he… oh yeah right, I almost forgot. He said he’s just going to buy you your favorite food. He’s probably on his way here now.” I felt relieved at that.
I don’t know what to do if my best friend in the whole world will sacrifice himself just to save my dumb life. I love him…as my best friend. I felt like I forgot something. I was thinking what it was when a knock at the door interrupted me. “Come in,” my mom said in a calm voice. When the door opened, I was so happy and surprised at the same time to see Cheshire walking towards me, holding my favorite food. Chocolates! Suddenly, I remembered what I forgot. My feelings toward Cheshire changed. Is it because of the heart that was donated to me? Oh no! I don’t want to lose that feeling! I still want to love Cheshire with all my heart, well, my new heart more than just being my best friend but why doesn’t this heart follow what I want?
As he approached us, I can tell that he was confused about my facial expression ‘cause I’m flashing my biggest friendly smile at him just like when he hasn’t confessed to me yet. We chatted for a while like nothing happened when I got sleepy. I was just starting to drift away when I heard them talking to each other. “I hope you understand Cheshire, Alice changed a little because of the…” I lost my trail at their conversation because I was already asleep.
The next days passed by quickly with my best friend always at my side. I thought about telling him everything that I didn’t tell him in the past days, but I still can’t find the words to say it. So I’ll just have to wait for the right moment and I guess he doesn’t seem to mind about my silence about other things so it’s going to be okay. When I got out of the hospital, he still hadn’t left me. Before I knew it, I was beginning to fall for him again. I was so happy then. But something popped out in my mind. What if he doesn’t love me anymore? What if his feelings changed, too? That thought really made want to cry again. Ugh, I really hate crying.
One day, I decided to tell him everything about my feelings. No matter what happens, I want him to know how I feel. Even if he doesn’t love me anymore, I’ll just have to take the risk of getting hurt then. We were in his house reviewing for the finals when I told him about my feelings. The moment that I was confessing, he just stood there. Not moving. After the confession, he still didn’t move a muscle so I began to cry and sob so hard that my heart beat so fast. I knew this was going to happen. I lost him, my best friend, my true love, Cheshire.
I was about to dash out to the door when I felt my hand being held tightly. We just stood there, almost the same as the one that happened on our prom. This is it. Just like in the movies where the guy would tell the lady that he doesn’t love her anymore and she will then commit suicide and the boy lived happily ever after, with another woman. Whoa, I can’t imagine myself committing suicide. I was busy thinking when he broke the silence. “Alice, I want you to know that I… (More sobbing from me) I… I still love you! My mind won’t absorb what he just said so I stood there, frozen. As he wrapped his arms around me, I realized that the movies I thought about won’t happen to me. I was so happy that new tears came flooding down my cheeks. This time, it’s tears of joy and not sadness. I laid my head on his chest. As he whispered those three words again, it was then that I understood what he meant on our prom night. “I will wait for you.” I realized that true love really waits if you really love that person.
“I love you, Alice.”
“I love you too, Cheshire.”
I was so relieved when I said those words. I felt the burden disappeared from me forever as I remembered my first dream with him. I knew from that moment that with Cheshire by my side, I can always be Alice, in wonderland.