You Didn't Love Me, You Were Just Bored

They always tell me that when you find someone and see the things you’ve never seen from anybody else you’ve met hold on to them and never let them go. But I forgot to remind myself that it is stupid to settle for a love I don’t deserve. For someone who only wants me to the extent of his comfort. Someone who only sees me when all the other things seem to be invisible that whenever he feels like I’m no good of use, I became invisible too.

So many times my heart has been bruised. Many times I have been taken for granted. Many times I have to wear my heart on my sleeves, but when I met you out of nowhere, I started forgetting all of these. I started believing again that stories have happy endings. I started believing that loving you will never be another piled-up mistake. But I need to enlighten myself that this time, I failed.

But all I have seen in you were things I thought were all true. That all the words you’ve said were pretty lies wrapped so beautifully in fancy adjectives with ribbons and flowers on it. That all those sweet-nothings you’ve shown me were just copy-paste from all the romantic movies I have seen and novels I have read. And even those three little words I always love listening to were just plainly uttered and were never felt from the deepest part of your heart. I always feel sad about it.

So I pretend to ignore all the signs which lead me to disbelief that all the things you’ve said and done were just lies and deceit. I pretend to neglect the feeling of seeing you just come and go whenever it suits you. I pretend to be blind of not considering the truth when they’re all too obvious in my naked eyes. I pretend to understand that it’s fine with me that whenever you need my presence, I am only one call away. I pretend to accept these facts that you were more likely of a conman who used to fool innocent hearts.

Yet you never knew that when I started loving you, there were a lot of things I compromised with. That I have wept many nights with thoughts of you making me suffer. That all you’ve seen in me were pretentious acts I need to show telling you I’m okay, but I’m not. That every smile I throw at you hides stories I never told any other soul. But still you were too insensitive that you’ve never felt even a single ache because you were too relaxed that I would never dare to leave. But you’re wrong.

And then one day, you left. I was in great shock as I watch you assertively took your steps away from me. Do you think it’s fine to see you leaving when I should be the one doing it? Do you think I’d be happy when in the first place, I should be that someone escaping from this pretentious relationship? I hope you realize that it should be me walking away from you and not you from me. How dare you do such thing?

But I’ve had countless realizations after getting flashbacks of the memories when I still have you in my life. If only feelings can be deleted like that of the first sweet SMS you sent me. If only we could choose the person whom we want to hurt us, I would have not chosen you. I would have not given you the right to treat me less than a woman deserves to be treated right. I would have not let you take me for granted and wished to the skies to never have the chance of meeting you.

So why did you start something and not finish it? Why did you have to pretend that you actually love me though you didn’t? Maybe I was just easy to hook up with that you were too full of yourself and believe you can get anything you want. Or maybe I was too casual to bet so much love in this game you’re expert enough that I forgot to protect myself from the damage you have done.

But I was stupid in believing in all the maybes and what ifs that someday you will take-off that mask you are wearing and see my worth as a woman. Because ever since that time and until now, the greatest lie that I need to accept in my entire life, is the realization that you didn’t love me the way I loved you. You only love me because you were bored.