A young girl sat alone on a bench. Not sure what to do with herself she sat there and kept to herself. When she went home she put a smile on her face. She laughed and played with people who there everyday. With family that was there together. Then as she gotten older, people started leaving and her family started to breakdown. Then one day a loved one close to her so close to her passed away. She still went to school holding back tears, smiling at the friends that were soon to stop speaking with her at a point in time. She became quiet and to herself not wanting to deal with others. As her family fought and fought becoming separated she gotten more recluse. Deep down she knew her loved one never wanted this. It took 4 years most of the wounds are healed, yet nothing is the same. That young girl is a young woman more confused but more independent of herself. Confused about her own looks, confidence, and sexuality. Not sure whether or not she will ever get married or it'll be a fluke. If she ever have kids it'll be a mistake. Questioning if she was a mistake. As her mom tell her to keep move life is hard, suck it up, your aunt says she loves you but insult you where it hurts most, where you hear lies that stick with you for a long time. It makes her not want to talk to people, open up. She want to shut down and she will eventually. It'll be hard to reopen her up to the world she grew up so well in. Maybe if that loved was still here today, maybe she would be more open to things around.
That young woman, is going to go through life not understanding what is wrong with her but learning about herself that no one will ever understand. Others think they know her but they don't. How could they when she doesn't trust people with her words, eyes, feelings, mind and heart. That been broken to many times. How can she be open with others who made feel terrible about herself but stronger than she was before. Maybe she will be raped then in jail for murder. Or she may be she will have a successful career in life and happy with what is around. Maybe she is just a butterfly to worm her way there to be extraordinarily beautiful. Does she need therapy? No, she wants support. A supporting family, friends and a lover.
A lover. Oh a lover. A man or woman to hold her and caress her. Tell her in her ear that she is the best they have and the only one they want. That if anything in the world she is their forever. If not a imagination or fantasy then something a little more real. A loving partner to hold her hand and kiss her lips. To have or adopt children is something she wants but not sure if she can have. A freak for years, a weirdo for life.
Sometimes a knife is what she thinks about, not to cut. No to hurt others to make them feel her own pain. Pain of that loved one she lost. Pain from that loved one she hasn't gained any satisfied repentance. She questioned God for this. Why take her way before she became a young woman. Was to teach that young woman how to grow up and fend for herself or let fall and die by the hands of life. That young woman security blanket passed on and she is sadden.
Tears drips from her eyes as she is writing this. Tears slide down those soft light brown cheeks. A clogged throat and a sad smile is something practiced ever since that loved one came and gone. Faking cheeriness is her special talent, till that loving support helps out of that ditch. That young woman feels pain and sees it. Understands and knows it. Not to be attractive to the opposite sex nor the same sex, be rejected by two crushes, not knowing if she will ever be happy. She feigned ignorance because it is bliss.
The young woman right now.
Is writing this.