To the friend who chose the guy I loved,
Hi! Its been months. Its been months since we said goodbye to each other, but I admit, it still hurts, until now. I could still feel the same amount of pain from before and I'm not sure if you felt the same.
The blissful memories we had, never stopped playing in my mind. They seemed to be in a loop that I couldn't break. And the painful moments were mixed all around the tapes that they often bring me such ambivalence. But I'm trying. Really trying my best to get used to it. That maybe, feeling all this pain over and over again, would numb me inside until I could already say I'm fine.
I maybe hanging out with other friends but you sometimes cross in my mind. You became the pauses and stops in between my laughters. And the brief moment of silence in the midst of my smiles. Sometimes, I couldn't help it. My tears were also betraying me. They often trickle down when I'm alone in bed at night.
Maybe you’re right. I’m this sensitive. I was an over thinker. Not the type that could ever get over soon. I let my emotions get the better off me most of the time while you can perfectly control them.
I feel bad. Coz I've let my insecurities get to me. And I'd like to apologize for being cruel to you at some points.
But let me tell you that I just cared for you too much. And I loved him too much as well. And I'm sorry for offending you with the exaggerations, but it was the truth of it all.
I maybe too hurt because you've considered my pains and aches as just pure drama. But I learned to accept we just have different kinds of hearts.
I learned a lot from what happened. The code of friendship, the value of relationships. The use of silence and it's therapeutic and non therapeutic use.
I used to confront issues and solve them right away.
However, I realized that some things aren't worthy to be asked neither discussed anymore.
I never wanted to be mean. I really felt bad for cursing and for spilling long and painful statements and paragraphs. I'm sorry I've been too harsh with words.
And I realized that too much anger could be soul consuming. It drains out everything inside and devours the righteousness of the whole being.
I couldn't stop asking myself all the why's and how’s. But I trained myself to just close my eyes and take a deep breath instead. Coz I learned that some questions will be forever left unanswered.
It's so sad, like a grieving kind of sad. Because I had to move on, not only from him, but from you too. And they happened all at once, and hit me hard like a one time bigtime combo.
It all happened, but I didn't have any strong bar to hold onto. And it broke my heart more knowing I couldn't pull you beside me for a hug that I badly needed. It shattered my heart because I still wanted to keep you, but you never wanted to be kept. You just let yourself drift away...
But yes. I may haven't understood before. Yet I have to. I'm sorry you misunderstood. I'm sorry I did too. I'm sorry for our goodbyes. I'm sorry for pushing you away because I was drowned in my sea of hurt. I'm sorry for grilling you the answers to all why's.
One day, I believe that all these pain, hurt, and disappointments will eventually fade away through the magical interventions of time. You may not know it, but I'm still praying for you. I'm thankful for our memories. For the crazy, wonderful moments. And most of all, thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for filling in some pages that I thought would just be plain and blank.
I wish you all the best things in life eventhough all of these happened to us.
Thank you for letting me go. For letting me grow. And for showing me the important lessons I never thought I would ever have the chance to learn.
I believe you just want to be happy. You both wanted to be. And for me to be the same, I just have to accept the fact. The fact, that you will surely be, when you're both not with me, finally.
It maybe unbelievable to say this, but I still hope someday, our paths will cross again. And until that day comes, there will be no more bitterness. No more grief. And no more pain. Just pure smiles. Sheer smiles that would make us laugh at the irony of life... simply because we've met again, my dear, old friend. And until that day, I hope our new hellos would never turn as goodbyes anymore.