First, yet not the last

It's not that easy. I know that I'm still not ok, and I was just pretending I was.

I'm trying to be at peace with myself as much as possible. Trying to wake up, through the most dragging days, wearing a smile. Trying to convince myself that all of this misery will end soon.

But I can't lie to myself. I couldn't ever fake my feelings. Even if I say I don't want it all anymore. Even if I act so tough... Even if I try to wear a brave face, I know how wrecked I am deep inside.

I can't help but there are moments I stare blankly... Times I reminisce... Times I question why things had to happen this way. Why it became this complicated.

These things made me question... Why can't we just simply choose each other and restart things between us?

Today, I have smelled that familiar perfume I used to love sniffing, and again, I've been reminded of you. I remembered those times that I never wanted to stop hugging you coz I just can't get enough. Everytime you went to work, saying goodbye seemed to be a struggle. I remembered how I've always looked at the wall clock, wishing that time would be faster... hoping that you'll come back, and we'll just spend the whole day cuddling again.

Yes. Hugging became my most favorite thing in the world. It was all because of you. I loved how you pressed your body against me, making me feel that there's something warm against my cool skin. I loved how we hugged in rainy days and how we labeled it cuddle weather. How we loved sipping our mugs filled with hot choco, sprinkled with mallows. I missed how we often look forward to our movie dates in our so called cozy home. I loved those times that you were complaining how much I put cheese powder in our popcorns and I end up complaining it all became salty.

I've always longed for our hugs coz it gave me my most peaceful sleep. Whenever you're not around, I can't just simply close my eyes and doze off. My thoughts wander to the most crazy of all thoughts that I realize it was buying too much of my time. But being with you? Being with you brought me serenity. It was so calm and beautiful that it made me wish we could cuddle forever.

I missed your kisses. The way how you cupped my cheek or touched my neck and looked directly into my eyes while you tell me your sweetest I love you. I missed it when you never stopped giving me feathery light kisses all over my face, and you seemed not to get enough. I missed the times when you have played with my hair and you told me it's dead and lifeless, same as how you've seen me for the very first time. I still laugh at those moments you've bullied me, like I was turning into a whale shark, and you've even imitated the way they sound.

I miss those moments. So much.

Like everytime you annoyed me, all I did was to bite your shoulders. But then everytime you try to bite me as well, I keep telling you it's painful. With me wearing my puppy eyes, and my cutest voice, I tell you not to bite me back coz if you love me, you can't afford to see me in pain.

I miss your laughs. I miss your genuine smiles. The way you tell stories that are just so animated. The way your hands move everytime you share to me something you know about. The way you put those amazing sound effects to make your story telling more convincing. I miss how you make my cheeks heat up whenever you caught me off guard. I miss how you make me giddy inside everytime you whisper sweet things to me.

Again, why do we have to undergo all this pain?

I used to believe you are my soulmate. I used to believe our love was once in a lifetime.

Yet I don't even know if you feel the same. I don't have any idea if you also reminisce. I don't have a clue if you fell for me as deep as I've been to you. But you were my first love. The first I prayed to be my last.

The wavelength, the interests, the dreams and goals... we were like the same souls, planted in different bodies, just separated by time and space... And our meeting, our meeting was a blessing... or So I thought it was.

Until that time came...

The moment I caught you red handed with the girl you cheated on me, I felt like a literal black hole sucked the life out of me.

It made me question my worth. It made me question how sincere your love was. It made question every little thing you've said to me.

It made me question those moments we've shared together. It made me question God. Why of all people would I be the one to be cheated on and lied to?

I felt so unworthy. I felt so undeserving. I felt ugly. Incompetent. I felt that I was never enough.

I miss you. I love you.

But then, you chose her. You chose her and not me.

You chose the girl you just met over the woman who was there for you through your darkest days.

You chose her over me and it hurt me way deep down to my core not just as a girl friend but as your close friend as well.

I always denied myself of the truth that maybe you're just confused but as the days went by, it came to my understanding that you love her that much. Maybe that's why you couldn't go back to me wholeheartedly, coz the love you have for me faded, and she has filled in the gaps that I wasn’t able to fill.

I maybe mad. Yes, coz I've been so hurt. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t force anything to you. I know you're now happy. I know that you wouldn't choose her just because of some petty reasons. I admit it hurts a lot, but I realized I shouldn't cage you. It's time to set you free. There's no more need to chase coz the person who loves you wholeheartedly, will always choose you no matter how difficult the odds are and no matter how difficult you maybe.

Apparently, you didn't choose me.

I miss the memories. I miss you so much. But maybe our story ends here. Maybe we were just given the chance to meet and feel how it is to be like with a soulmate. Maybe we're meant to meet up once. But maybe we're not fated to be with each other for long.

With the number of days we've been together, you made me feel like we've already known each other for years.

I guess now I understand that it's not hyprocrysy to wish good things about the person who hurt you most. The moment you truly love a person, no matter how much you got hurt, the heart still cares.

No one can ever stop the mind and heart from loving... but now, I know I deserved better.

I wish you nothing but happiness in this lifetime.

I am probably not the one for you.

And I'm learning to accept it all everyday...

Yet I hope I'll also find the person who best fits me...

The one that could really make me feel at home, the same as how you made me feel.