I am so desperate to preserve
And protect everyone around me
So desperate to keep them by my side
For as long as I can keep fighting
But sometimes it gets hazy in my mind
Thinking about them
Thinking about the past
Wanting to freeze the happiness
Wanting to keep it in a jar
And then I stare at the reality of now
And see the pain
The suffering
I prayed
And prayed
But God isn't answering prayers today
It seems
God is not blind
Nor deaf
Not even dead
God is alive, witnessing
Watching
Overseeing the pain He gave away
And somehow that is more painful
To know
That someone heard
But chose not to listen
Because honestly
I prayed
And prayed
And I know God heard
He just didn't want to listen
He formulated the perfect punishment
For all the sins
I have accumulated in my short life
He made happiness a prerequisite for pain
He sprinkled in some smiles
Only to let sadness rain down constantly
But I deserve it
I KNOW
If I die now
Will God listen then?
Will everyone's pain stop?
Will they be safe?
Will life be easier?
Because I know for a fact
That my pain would stop
That I am safe from the painful emotions
And that finally, life is over
So it is easier
But most days
I ask myself
Are the beings I am so willing to protect
The ones I pray for constantly
The ones
I bargain my life for kneeling to God
Will they save me?
Do they feel the pain?
Can they sense the pain?
Leaking out of me
Like osmosis?
Like a putrid aroma
Of a person living
But has no life
Of a person alive
But death has caught the soul
And trapped in an eternity
Of depression
And sadness
Who would save the one
Who wanted to save everyone?