2017, I have mixed emotions for you.

Dear Twenty-Seventeen,

I'm going to give you an account of all the twelve months. Did you fare well? I don't know. Find out yourself!

January; The cold and breezy evening had darkened it's hue slowly as I still continued to stare at the horizon being completely oblivious to my friend's presence. "What ails you?" he asked. "Is it a bad memory from the previous year?" I spoke almost in a whisper, "Toxic piece of lump." I saw the confusion registered on his face and said, "Someone called me a toxic piece of lump. A friend who admired me for my emotional strength and compassion for life but equally hated me for indifference and outspoken nature." 

I did not retort to the insult. Instead, I learnt, negativity should never be a part of your life.

Acceptance and letting go are two vital catalysts that help you grow as a person. Accept all the good vibes that surround you and let go of everything that causes a friction in your mental stability.

February; Being a wanderer, I opened doors to new adventures, widening my arms in pursuit of peace. This time, I explored remotest places with a close friend from another city. On an off-road trip one day, we passed through a road less travelled by the city-dwellers. The chirping of birds, the rustling of dry leaves, the whooshing of the strong winds, the faint orange rays of setting sun behind the hills, hairpin curves on dirt laden road. As we sank into the wilderness, we almost all of sudden said, "Let's go back." The place was so eerie and creepy that it felt as if mother nature didn't want us to leave. I was mesmerised and scared for life altogether. Yet, an odd feeling of belonging prevailed. 

March; It was the month of Spring, of new beginnings, but I was in a phase where I questioned my professional liability. It was a 'do or die' situation. I took an important exam (my long-term goals were dependent on it entirely) I thought I would fare well, I was satisfied with my performance as I had cracked the toughest questions with right answers until the results displayed minutes later read - FAILED. In the blink of an eye, I found my dreams crashing down in front of me one by one. My heart sank, I could feel the ground crumbling beneath my feet. Anxiety made me its latest victim. It was then someone who was a stranger at that point in life told me to never give up. If I had failed twice, there is a chance I could succeed in the next. "Never say never," he said. "You don't know how hard The Almighty wants you to try." 

April; I shall never forget the roadblock I came across. April, you were supposed to make way for a sunny and bright time. But, you pulled me back in the dark, this time for a long duration. If I still saw a light at the end of the tunnel in March, you filled it up with despair. You made me fight with my loved ones, with my own family. You made me fight for my identity, for my dreams, for my passion, and for my faith. At a time where I gave up on my professional front and tried to follow my dreams of writing instead, you left no stones unturned to make me a stranger in my own home. But, unfortunately, I'm more stubborn than you. I fought you well. I chased my passion for storytelling, attended plenty of workshops to brush up my skills. Being an INFJ, I fought with my own demons as I fought stage fright. And somewhere behind me, there was a voice of the same person always saying, "Even if no one believes in you, I do. That's your calling."

May; Summer was being at its harshest, yet the memories of this month still choke me up every time I think of that night. Wait, did I thank you for introducing me to my twin? After being with me since the beginning of the year? The voice who stood by me through my tough times, urging me to fight bravely, who assured my anxiety stricken mind by saying, "I'm there. I'm here to stay." This voice was neither my conscience speaking nor my closest ones. It was his. My birthday buddy, a twin from another mother. He came into my life like a candle lightening my dark soul, my mirror with the outside world, quite literally. Isn't it easy to preach than follow sometimes? Hence, whenever I wanted a lesson learnt, he became my best teacher. Did I mention, I was afraid of attachments and heartbreak? I was a cold heart but he reminded me, the high walls weren't necessary around him. And then, that night, despite knowing the consequences, I went to see him off at the airport with a motive. I wanted to see how hurtful it feels to let someone go who was never yours but was there with you all along. When he started to walk away, I began to tear up. With my eyes welled and heartbeats raised highly, I froze and beads of sweat rose on my forehead. And just when I thought he was gone forever, he stopped at the departure gate, turned around, smiled and waved at me. His words, "You're important for me" echoed in my ears. For the first time, I felt the loneliest. In that moment, I realised, in the desperate search of finding myself, he stumbled upon me and I had lost myself, yet again.   

June; I did not realise when you began and came to an end, it was on a high! The monsoon made my heart wander as I pulled strings tightly around my soul. A few memories were painted onto the canvas I left untouched. Just when I had lost hope, you surprised me with your unpredictability! You introduced me to the sweetest friends I shall cherish for life. 

July; Now, here comes the month which restored and strengthened my faith. I'm a believer in Islam and I had been fasting on the day I had to turn down someone's proposal. I felt bad because unintentionally I was hurting the person. I was afraid it would backfire at me because what goes around comes around, isn't it?  Just then the alarm rang, "You aren't entitled to reciprocate the feelings that aren't your own. Remember the Aqeedah, strengthen your belief in the Almighty and what has been conveyed to us. He knows what is best for you, for He is all-knowing. Seek forgiveness and forgive others because you deserve to be at peace."

August; My birth month. I turned Twenty-six. 26, Whoa! The digits scared me because I did not have a single feat to be proud of. Expectations hurt, don't they? So I spent my birthday alone running away from prospective alliances. Apparently, my parents assumed it was the right time to start a family. But was I ready? NO. I wasn't. The graph of my life had suddenly declined. The person who once brimmed with optimism in the beginning of the year was now cocooned in self-doubt. Negativity engulfed me completely. Anxiety hit back like an unwelcomed guest. I was alone again. On cold sleepless nights, my only solace was my cat and my demons. I had stopped writing, the story I was working on was left untouched since May. Every day seemed like an eternity. I dreaded the phase and went with the flow as dead fishes do. By now, instead of the voice of my twin, I could only hear deafening silence.

September; It was on one of those gloomy monsoon mornings, I received a notification from Launchora, like a gentle tap on my shoulder reminding me what I was capable of and that encouraged me to pick the pen back again. It was a blessing in disguise. By now, I had learned a lesson the hard way. I had been upset with my closed ones for turning a cold shoulder but I couldn't blame them. I had to be resilient again and leave all my hurdles behind and spring back victorious. Because I realised, the answers lie within you. You're your own destroyer and you are your own saviour. You're the sailor on the journey of your life, it depends on you how you sail through the storms. I decided to pick my broken pieces, glue them with gold, be selfish again and indulged in self-love. The first step towards growing is a sound mind and a healthy body. The choice of the good and bad was mine now. Weaving stories and telling them was my choice. Once you believe everyone has a story of their own, it isn't difficult to learn. They say Art is never pretentious, I made new friends and met amazing people. I did not hold myself back and took a leap beyond the horizon. Building a desirable physique shouldn't be limited to men, so I took more time to love my body and make it fit. Strong and toned arms, chiseled legs, steel hard abs, women can have them too. So why couldn't I?

October; The month associated with the beginning of Fall. My favourite part of the year where everything that is old sheds in layers, withering out to make way for a new beginning. I was peeling off layers of lost love and affection (friendships included), making my soul bare and vulnerable, open to being cold and destructive because I knew Spring wasn't far away to welcome a new lease of life in me again. 

As I began writing frequently, challenges were thrown at me. I was asked to write on given topics. That is when I realised, I wrote more for myself than for the readers, as for me my perspective also mattered. Raw emotions inspired me. It became a mode of channelising my emotions in a better way. But the fear of being left out scared me. My best friend's words helped me overcome it. "The biggest challenge for any writer is to write what he is afraid to show to the world. And when you do, it becomes one of the best stories."  

November;  You changed my life. I took my storytelling a step forward rather seriously. Expressing myself through words was something I was good at, but one day my gut pushed me into actual storytelling. Imagine, a person who is a terrible speaker faces strangers and shares pieces close to her heart? It was during one such session on a trip, I was speaking and midway through I felt my cheeks warm and my eyes began to burn as tears rolled down. I had been alone on my new journey, my passion for writing fueling my soul but there wasn't anybody from my inner circle to encourage me. All my life, I had pushed people away who cared for me. I had built sky-high walls. Nobody ever dared touch it, if they did, I used to snap out of their lives. I realised I wasn't afraid of losing people, they leave anyway. But I was afraid of losing my emotions. I was afraid of emptiness that follows when someone drifts away because I tend to feel deeply. Just when I was a whirlwind of an emotional mess, the voice anchored my boat again, "Listen, I'm here to stay. Everything will be fine. Don't worry..."

December; You raised the toast! You brought me close to like-minded people. My storytellers family widened tremendously. I felt human around them. With them, I could be myself, the real me. And you know what? They loved me for what I was, a kind soul asking nothing but stories in return. But unfortunately, I couldn't show them the dark side. I couldn't tell them how I hated myself every time I empathise with a wrong person. How I hated myself for absorbing energies which drained me out eventually. I hated myself for pushing people away and creating boundaries. I couldn't tell them I'm afraid of change. Nothing is permanent in life. Maybe the person I'm today, I won't be the same tomorrow. The person they feel is adorable and lively is nothing but a broken cord.

So 2017, you give me mixed emotions, I had plenty of expectations from you but you shook me off the ground. As I type this, Pink sings in the background and it relates so much to us. Should I ask you, about all the times you said you had the answers? What about all the plans that ended in disasters? What about Love? What about Trust?

You tried your best to make me one less of a person, but I fought fearlessly. I have learnt to let go, and continue to be indifferent. You took my dreams away, but I had my Plan B ready. You tried to deepen the cracks amidst my family, but guess what? You couldn't break us. I'm as resilient as I had been before.

You taught me to be fiesty, strong, to spread love and kindness unconditionally, and encourage others to bring out the best in themselves. You taught me to open arms to change because it is the only constant. Today, a girl who was known to be mysterious, braved her heart in an open book. You pushed me to tell tales of people who deserved to be told, as not everyone is worthy of the honour; to leave the past where it belonged and to choose my words. I closed few doors on meaningless friendships and the past and unlocked doors to those which mattered for a fresh start.

You fooled us into believing in happy ever afters, so enough is enough. As I leave you behind, I shall do it gracefully. It isn't an end if not on a good note they say. So THANK YOU. Here. Dead on your face. 

Adios 2017. We are never meeting again.

2018, here I come.  

P.S. 

@Lakshya Dutta and Launchora, You have also played a major role in encouraging me to weave my stories. If it hadn't been for Launchora, I would never have had the strength to put up my stories for the masses to read. I have procrastinated a lot, and I promise this year, I shall finish the story I began in 2017 and create more strong characters. 2018 shall be more about stories and stories. You have been an amazing inspiration! Thank You :)