1. "Can I keep your shirt?"
I remember my mom recalling those nights when I was crying real hard because I missed my dad so much. She had to get a shirt of my dad from the dirty laundry and used it as my blanket so that my brain would recognize his smell and I could sleep. I couldn't remember any of it or how bad it must have felt but that night after I said goodbye to you, i said hello to insomnia and wet pillows.
2. "Can I have one last shot?"
And by that I meant I wanted to wrap my arms around you so tight and kiss you at the fire exit staircase. I wanted to brush my match stick lips on your cigarette-stained ones with hopes that maybe i could ignite the flame we once had like the first time and you would have never let me go. I wanted to rest my palms on your chest because everything was just flipping so fast and I couldn't keep up with the pages you're filling in. Now I have this entire book about you that I've been sleeping with after i slept with you.
3. "Won't you stop me from leaving?"
And i wish you did. In a heartbeat, I would have chosen to stay even if the traffic lights were all green; even if there were no U-turns; even if my promising career was already waiting at the arrival area on the other side of the world. I would have jumped out of my Grab taxi, watched all of my belongings run away from me, and smiled despite the stinging pain on my knees because i don't care what i'll lose just to have you.
4. "Your eyes are still the best sunset I've ever seen."
But all I did was stare at you for the last time because that's how you admire beautiful things—you shut up and take everything in until it fades away.
5. "Goodbye."
I wish I said it with conviction.
Photo by Josh Wang