A letter For You

The moment I saw your name on my notification-- informing that you’ve wrote something (I am aware that you haven’t posted anything in a long while, not even on your favorite writing site, the home where you belong--I know because I regularly check on it) I don’t know what to feel. Okay, truth is I felt nervous, I was scared, I am dreading what you’re about to say --I assumed it was for me, assuming, I know--so with shaking hands, I closed my eyes and read it (don’t worry I opened my eyes to read it, how can I read it with my eyes closed?)

First sentence. First sentence and my tears kept falling like a waterfall. I didn’t even realize that I’m crying not until the lines got blurry and I stopped reading--because I can’t see a fucking single thing--wiped my tears and continue where I left off. I read it so fast like there’s a madman on my tail, like the lines will be erased if I don’t read it fast. And when I’m done I read it over again--not because I can’t understand English don’t worry--but because I just can’t believe you’ve been thinking about me. I am glad, my friend, I am glad that you’ve missed me too. Well, you didn’t say it directly, but still.

I know I shouldn’t be saying it here. Some people might think I’m an attention seeker, I mean this should be private and I could send it on your inbox or even on WhatsApp but then I decided to write it here instead. They could think whatever they want to think about me, I really don’t care, I’ve long ago don’t give a fuck what people think about me, but just to be clear, I hope I’m not defensive, this letter is solely for your eyes to see. This is for you. And well, they are welcome to read it as well, this is a free country--in my country it is-- if they want but maybe they’ll get bored for this might turn cheesy and ehem dramatic. Well. I am cheesy and dramatic so go figure. But you, you’re not allowed to get bored I’m so sorry. :)

I could. But I decided not to. Or not yet.

There’s this wall and I’m not sure if can climb on it. You know me I’m small, how small I don’t want to reveal it here. Maybe in time I’ll smash it instead. But I don’t think I am ready.

I really don’t know how to break the ice, truth is. Because if I decided to send this to you then what? I’ll expect you to read it and I’ll wait for your reply and when you reply what would happen next? What if the awkwardness won’t go away, what will I do? You do know I don’t like serious conversations, right? I only know how to be funny, I only know how to crack weird jokes but if it turn serious, what will I do?

Okay. I know I’m over thinking. But anyway, that’s my dilemma. At least here, yes you’ll read it but I won’t expect you to say anything back. This is a mutual ground for us, I think.

Plus, like I said I am currently on break. Here, there and everywhere. But I don’t know I found myself here, again, writing. I called it cheat day but I’ve been here for three straight days so I guess I’ll call it cheat day for three days? Meh.

So. Erika’s great she’s beginning to be a kind, loving pet. She’s warming up on me. So cute.

Haha. I lied. She’s still grumpy, like an old woman. Sigh. But…she’s kinda warming up on me, I guess?. One night she slept on my tummy but then the next day she’s back to normal, she ignored me. And hey, she now has a boyfriend! That bitch. She found herself a blue-eyed white (as a snow)cat. I don’t know how she got him though, that shall remain a mystery I guess. She got a love life but she’s still cold. She reminds me of some cold cat I know. She’s just like him. Oh, forget I said that. He said don’t think about him now I’m thinking I’m about him. Ew. Forget I said that. Maybe someday I’ll tell you about it, if I would have a chance to talk to you again, that is.

Matsun’s not so cute anymore. She’s not a kitten anymore. She now looks like Erika.

And I cut my hair short by the way. I did not cut it on my own. I went on this salon and said just do whatever you want with it just keep my bangs. Not that short, just shoulder length but you do know I’m sporting a long hair eversince I could remember right? Sigh. Now I’m missing my long hair
But at least I still have my bangs you know how much I don’t want to deal with my eyebrows so I keep my bangs to hide it. Lazy ass, I know.

People here still think I’m a Korean wannabee but now I don’t care about it that much. I don’t need to explain that I’ve been sporting it way back Elementary days and the Koreans invade (Kdramas and Kpop) the Philippines when I was in High School so my bangs is way older than them. Now, now. Suddenly I feel old.

Tell Mhayani and Maveen with n I said hi. Enjoy your trip. And how’s the big bad wolf, by the way? I missed him too, kindly pass the message. I think he’s busy. He’s not posting anything for a long while too.

So, maybe I’ll talk to you when I get back. Maybe on April? I hope I can gather enough courage to talk to you again.

And I don’t want to keep my hopes up but I wish we could get back the way we used to be.

Or if not. Hmn. I don’t know.

Let’s just cross the bridge when we get there.