I miss you, too. You may not hear those words from me anymore, but yes, I also miss you.
I heard you the other night— sobbing and whispering my name over and over again. I know it wasn't just that night and I've lost count of the times you cried because of me. I also saw your posts online whenever you tag me with our old photos together, including your heartfelt captions. I really appreciate those. It makes me think that perhaps I've lived a life worth remembering by the people who mattered to me. My life on Earth was short but I guess it was enough.
However, it also breaks my heart to see you missing me; to hear your wish-you-were-here's; and to listen to your visit-me-in-my-dream's. It breaks my heart to know that you still want me around you. It breaks my heart to know that you still need me in your life. And I want to say sorry for that.
I'm sorry because I left you without notice. I left without a proper goodbye and I hope you understand that my leaving was beyond my plan and will, unlike your ex. If I knew it was my last day, I would've called you over the phone and bid my farewell. I would've told you how thankful I am to have you in my life and that it wouldn't be the same without you. Cliche, but I guess everyone of us needs to hear those words from the people we love. I know how much it sucks that you were out of town when the accident happened but I want you to stop feeling awful about it. I totally understand that you couldn't just leave school and be absent for nine or ten days. As much as I wanted to see you before I get buried six feet below the ground, I'd still want the best option for you and consider your future. I know that if you only had the choice and means, you would definitely stay with me until the burial. And that's enough for me.
I'm sorry for making you cry for days right after you heard the news. I know it was too painful for you and I wish I could lessen it. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just that life happened and death took over. I know that you were a mess for days and that remembering and talking about me was unbearable. You stayed at home the whole weekend and cried over our past and future. I'm sorry because somehow, I blew up all of our plans— travel together, eat unlimited mango floats, attend each other's wedding, be a godmother to our kids, have dates in between our busy adult schedule, and many more. I'm sorry for the could-have-been's that you cried over for nights in your bedroom, but I want you to do them all even without me. Go to the beach, eat mango floats for lunch and dinner, get married, have kids and visit our go-to place once in a while, then remember me with a smile. Take me with you in memory and whisper to the winds that you made it. We made it— you in person and I in spirit. Please, do that.
Lastly, I'm sorry for losing me— your BFF. I'm sorry because I'm not there anymore to celebrate the blessings God had showered upon you, and help you with the challenges He'd wanted you to overcome. I'm sorry because I wouldn't be there anymore to talk with you over the good and bad things, and over the secrets only you and I know. I'm sorry because you couldn't hear the answers you only want to come from me about the questions you couldn't ask anyone but me. I'm sorry because you couldn't feel the warmth of my embrace whenever you silently cry over your fucked-up life. I'm sorry because no one could dethrone my existence in your life. I'm sorry because you couldn't find better than me as your best friend. I'm sorry because you lost a sister, but I want you to constantly remember that I am always with you by heart. You may not be able to tickle me but I'm just here— taking over the job of your angel once in a while.
I know that life could be too hard and too harsh sometimes, or even oftentimes, but please go on. I love you and I don't want you to quit living the awesome life you are about to unfold. Whenever you run out of reasons to smile, laugh and be happy, then please do it for me. Think about my corny jokes, my evil laugh, my stupid mannerisms, and all the funny and fun things we've shared. Think about me— rolling my eyes at you for doing something foolish but still loves you no matter what. Think about me... and please smile.
From Heaven with love,
Your BFF