Dearest Katarina,
First, I want to thank you for opening this letter. I'd like to think you are on your bed, lying on your stomach and holding this piece of paper. If you actually are, then I'm glad you are still the woman I know and love. You might be wondering why I am reaching out to you again after five long years of silence in between us and I hope you will forgive me for trying to break in to your life again.
I tried to love her again, Katarina, but my attempts failed me. I tried to remember the night I met Johanna - the night I started cheating on you. She was a fascinating woman and somehow I saw you in her. She also talked smart with a touch of humor, and liked to drink hard liquor than beer. Her hair reminded me of yours and how you both made a habit of twirling them. Her laugh sounded like how you do when I tell a lame joke. You were too alike but the difference was - Johanna was with me while you were miles away. You were somewhere I couldn't go to whenever I missed you. And so without thinking much about the consequences, I slept with her that night. At 7 AM the next morning, you called through my phone to wake me up and remind not to skip breakfast. At that moment, everything I've done avalanched on me, yet I still managed to talk to you like I was not lying beside another woman. Days and weeks passed by and I couldn't stop the crime I was commiting. Johanna knew about you but she was okay with it for she thought she had the advantage. She thought I would eventually break up with you, and she was right but not in the way she expected.
You and I started to fight more often like all other couples do who are in a long distance relationship. We fought over time for each other, over unreplied messages, and over unanswered phone calls. You began asking me if I still love you and I told you I do. It was the truth, Katarina. I still loved you back then despite of my infidelity. You never cried when we were talking on the phone but I knew you spent a lot of nights drowning with tears. You must have stayed up almost every night trying to figure out what went wrong after 3 years.
One night, I decided to cut the ties between Johanna and I. I told her I can't lose you. I told her I love you so much. She cried so hard that night and when I woke up the next day, she's gone. She didn't bother me for days until one morning, she knocked on my apartment with a pregnancy test in her shaking hand. Johanna was pregnant with my child, Katarina, and I didn't know what to do. I fucked up so bad.
And now my daughter is turning five next month. Her name is Allie. Yes, I named her after the female lead of your favorite novel but of course, Johanna didn't know about that. She is growing up so fast and on some days, I couldn't help but think about what our child might be like if I hadn't cheated on you five years ago. It always haunts me, Katarina, and I guess Johanna noticed it. Our relationship didn't get any better each passing time. I tried to make amends and reconcile with her since we started living together under the same roof but she neglected my efforts. She had always assumed that everything I do was only for Allie, and not for us. Everytime we argue about the house or about Allie, she would always end up mentioning you. During our first few fights, I refuted not to include you because obviously, you had nothing to do about us anymore. Inevitably, she would accuse me that I am defending you; that I'm itching to go back to you and leave them; that I still love you. Eventually, I stopped retorting to every disagreement with her. She won't listen anyway and I was slowly not giving a damn about it. I got tired of her insecurities and lack of trust. I know it's my fault in the first place but I presumed I was making her see that you are not in my life anymore.
Johanna is a good mother to Allie but as a partner, I don't know. I couldn't blame her though because I haven't even asked her to marry me. We didn't talk about it but I know her friends were asking when do we tie the knot. I feel so sorry for Johanna for putting her through this. You must be angry with me right now and I deserve it. I fucked up again, big time.
I don't know what to do anymore, Katarina. I know it's foolish of me to tell you about all these and I hope you'll forgive me again. I don't know someone else who's willing to listen to my dilemma other than you, and writing to you somehow eases the pain I've been carrying for a long time.
Still yours,
Daniel