Today, I had different encounters again with you.
The painful first, was seeing those old pictures we've taken before upon scanning through my gallery. It's been months, but it all seemed like it was just yesterday. There, we were having the time of our lives... enjoying our precious moments together, unbothered by other things. Oblivious of any pains and heartaches that may have come.
I tried to smile; but it ended up a broken grin.
I wished I could go back to those carefree times. Pause everything in there. And never reach this point we have right now. How I wish I could extend those times way longer. How I wish we could still make some more than what we had.
But I remembered you saying what I needed was time. Time to move on from you. And time, would be the best drug to heal the wounds of my heartbreak and of everything that has happened.
And so, I reminded myself to stop looking at those photos. I urged myself to stop. Coz no matter how much happiness I've felt in them before, they caused me now to bawl my eyes out from crying all alone.
The hurtful second was when I thumbed through my inbox. Reading again, all of your messages inside. I remembered how much smiles and laughters we've shared together as we had those exchanges of thoughts. How much I looked forward to that familiar ding on my phone, every time you've replied as fast as you could.
It made me wish we could still talk like that until now. How I wish we could have those long, random conversations again. How I wish I could still chat with you until the holy hours in the morning. To say goodnight after every 5 minutes, until another topic was raised again.
But I remembered you saying she was now your priority.
Your words cut through me like the sharpest I all knives, but I just have to breathe out the pang of hurt.
And so, I reminded myself to stop reading them as well. I urged myself to stop. Coz they maybe sweet before, but now, it made me quite bitter. I reminded myself that your words were never special, they were rather empty. But I was the one responsible for putting the magic spells on them, making them entirely meaningful.
The stabbing third was when I walked in the same familiar path we've often taken.
I died a thousand more, remembering everything we've shared about ourselves. Our conversations about our fears, likes and dislikes while we walked for a yards that turned into kilometers. Our similar way of understanding things deeply. Our late jogs filled with random talks. It made me wish we could still walk together like that. How I wish we could still stroll while gazing at the canopy of stars at night. To still gaze at each other's eyes and find our universes in them. To feel comfortable though we have already invaded each other's personal space.
But I remembered you, being like that with her too.
The pain can't ever be gauged by any scale at all, but I just have to blink the sudden surge of tears.
And so, I reminded myself that those strolls were meaningless to you. That those curves and straight paths weren't anything awesome. Those conversations were just simple. That those were your ways of revealing a piece of your soul to me, but never a part of your heart. I reminded myself that I just fed my own fantasies and made them so romantic to myself and never did they had that same effect on you.
Then the heart wrenching last was when I read the scribbles. Peeking through my previous notes of you in my sheets of papers.
Remembering the plans that seemed too impossible right now. Back then, my desire was so strong, about travelling with you. Well, it never wavered. I still long for it all.. Of watching the cherry blossoms in full bloom. Of watching the foliage setting in. Of stepping unto those crunchy dried up leaves while laughing out loud. Of celebrating my first ever snow. Of frolicking under the heat of summer sun and basking in the freshness of salty seas... Everything... I wanted to do, see and fulfill it all with you.
But I remembered you saying you've already chosen her. That you both said your goodbyes too. And your deliberate use of the word WE that was the US before.
And now, I just have to pound my painfully constricting chest.
For the nth time, I reminded myself not to include you in my plans. To crumple the papers that were now in piles of scratch. To not think of the hopeless possibility of the word US. Coz you never wanted to share that kind of future with me. I reminded myself I was just led on. And later on, left hanging. I was an almost, you never wanted to pursue. I was a plan you once found beautiful, but never worth to be put into action. While her? She was the dream you've ever wanted to come true.
I haven't seen you again in person, but these encounters felt like I have seen you face to face. It was like a temporary taste of bliss but also experiencing the agony of hell. It felt like I fell in love again, but broke my heart all over at the same time.
You made me long and yearn for you, but the pain, that you wouldn't even miss me, was hurting me deep to my core. You made me remember my grief as you say your empty goodbye and chase and your own happiness instead.
You made me remember my wasted genuine love, that was all too much for you.
And with these, you made me remind myself again, about moving on and letting you go too.