It started well, like every other lovers. I felt his love. It was so evident in his eyes. I was actually fallen head over heels for him. Though my virtue restrained me from picking up his hands, my heart pounced out, pushed me to him. I thought everything would last forever, like, “they lived happily ever after". If it had to, then I must’ve been a fairy tale character.
As days went on, he was so much over me… He was so much over me to the extent, I happened to have a mental picture of what he would do every now and then at home, at office, with friends. I thought he would feel the same, but it had become the other way round. I had been so much over him almost like nagging and annoying, irrespective of his situations and tensions. He found me idle doing full time pestering job. “You were jobless, idle and so you didn’t have anything to do much other than thinking me", his logic justified. Slowly, the reciprocation diminished, but thank God it was not vanished.
To hold on to the ‘not vanished' phase of my love life and let it live long, I started to stop expressing. If anything went wrong while we were talking, I made sure to apologize first though I was not the reason or it was not my fault. My brain reasoned out 100 explanations to rebel and prove– 'I was not wrong; only he should apologize', and it also asked me to express him, 'how I felt', but my heart shunned everything out, because, it knew how much the ‘not vanished’ phase of my love life was important to me then.
Days went on; steadily we managed every hurdle. We got yes from our parents and every step was so smooth then on, except me handling his situations and tensions. My heart wanted a rewind button to erase the misshaped communication in order to hold on to the ‘not vanished' phase of my love so badly. I tried empathizing to him when he complained on things and on people around him, but I would get an unexpected reaction. Each and every time, I made effort, tried to be his emotional partner..., but I failed. That failure after failure slowly started to eat my life out. A sharp pain hit my heart. I felt the blood in my veins go dry and my heart needed oxygen.
He knew nothing about this, I didn't want him to find too. I put a mask of contentedness, but deep inside, I craved for his attention; I wanted him to apologize for reacting without understanding why I had such reactions to his complains; and I wanted him to appreciate my efforts for him. I kept quiet… I kept quiet for one mistake I did to him, a terrible mistake which ate up my life totally. Yes, I had suffocated him with my love– an over dosage perhaps. All his reaction was due to this suffocation and my heart knew it and that was the reason it persistently tried to undo things. I gave myself a chance, one after another, again and again, to pursue what once was mine.
Nothing changed. Once etched was etched forever. Finally, I lost in this race just holding on to the ‘not vanished' phase of my love.
Here I am, lying down, feeling numb, all mental pains are gone; feeling relieved that he can breathe in ease. The cold hands that is holding his heart for long now is no more. Doctors say, am brain dead. Poor doctors, they don't know, it’s not my brain but my heart which is dead. They don’t know that even in this moment my brain tries to educate me, “you’ve stopped suffocating him so long ago; it's not your fault; tell him how you feel; don't give up; stop suffocating yourself". As usual my heart shunned out the other thoughts and it’s listening to the rhythm of its beat.
Pity me! I couldn't undo anything. At least for now, I can see him breath in ease. He is free from suffocation. A very high price to learn this lesson– 'Never ever suffocate the ones you love with too much of love', but what use, I don’t have a chance to live it. All I can say is, Adieu, my love!