I hate it . I hate how my life is always runing in virtual circles . I hate the fact that my most happy moments do not exist in real life..what shall I do when I feel more alive in my dreams that I do in my reality ? Should I stay in my dreams forever , or must i wake up to the real world?
I'm 18 years old , and I still have I won't say an imaginary friends ...only ! But an imaginary life . I love imagining , I love creating a life where i'm the one who takes control , where everything is by my side , all the conditions works for me , every single day , I put myself in a different situation , it could be a happy one that makes me happy for real , even thought the situation didn't happen in reality , as it can be a sad one that makes me in tears for real , yes , sometimes i have this strange feeling that I want to be sad as possible as I can , that I want to use the occasion of being alone to drop some tears without being seen , am I getting insane ? I don't know , maybe there is a silent part of me who loves to be a drama queen .
Anyways , i'm used to that now , i'm used to the over dose of daydreaming , I don't daydream just when i'm alone , but I do it at anytime , I may have a dream even when someone's talking to me , or in class , and believe it or not even at exams ...I truely can't control it anymore , focusing has been the hardest thing for me these last years because of my daydreaming ..
Generally speaking , they say that daydreaming heals the soul , but im my case it is only destroying my real life , I feel like if i'm living in my virtual life with my virtual people more than i do it in reality . but the surprising thing is that I am still okay with all of that , I am still okay of imagining random situations or reliving previent situations that went wrong in my life in maybe a better way , I can handle all of that..but What I do not stand anymore is thinking about someone that truly exist in my real life and get him in my virtual life , that literally drives me crazy , what happens is that I become so obssesed with that person to the point that I think of him at least twice an hour ! And of course you can imagine how breakups will be in my case ..
I'm just fed up with all of this shit , i'm fed up people ! I hate how my life can be centered about things that don't even exist or thinking about people who don't give a damn ..
I've been like this for 8 years , and trust me when I tell you , that I didn't stop the exaggerated thinking since then , I always have someone in my mind who drives me crazy , it's not always the same person , but it's generally a transition from one person to another , and these persons are not necessary my crushes or boyfriends ..I mean they could be ..but not all the time . sometimes I may be in a relationship with someone in my real life. But in my mind I feel like if i'm in relationship with an other one ..I just want to know am i crazy ?
Am I the only one who lives this mess?
Do I need a therapist ?
This is not a story , this is not poetry, not necessary a confession too , neither a letter ...this just me , used this opportunity to ask all of you people out there :
Do you live as I do or it's just me?
Do you think i might be insane or it's normal ?
Do you even know what I was Talking about ?
Help me , tell me how to heal my mind , I want my mind back here , next to me in my real life , I'm missing my own mind , and i'm hating it in the same time because it's preventing me from fully living my life , and actually start Doing rather than Dreaming , I hate it , i very much hate it ! Because if I keep living like this I will end up hating myself too .
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