Am I Not Meant To Fall In Love?

Hey Juliet,

Wait.....let me think. As far as i can remember, the last time i wrote a letter was when i attempted my finals during high school, where this question bearing 10 marks asked me to write a comprehensive letter to apparently judge my english grammar and writing skills. I passed that exam with distinction, but my writing skills are still below average (at times they are so bad that i feel like throwing my laptop out of the window and cursing myself to sleep.)

But since i’m coming of age and getting sensible day by day, i now gulp a couple of pints before cursing myself to sleep.

So......Let’s come to the point. The reason why i’m writing a letter to you. Because my head is exploding with unnecessary (stupid?) thoughts and writing is the only way i can decipher and make sense out of them. (Dan Brown’s got nothing on me)

Love.
Love, has been such a beautiful enigma for me; one that i fail to understand. I look at people being blindly, hopelessly in love and i think to myself - i can never be that, i can never do it.

I’ve never fallen in love. Never. As cold and sad it might sound, it’s true and i admit it openly. I’ve dated a couple of people, but they were just ‘people’ with whom i used to talk and hang out a little more than i’d usually do with my friends. I liked them, all of them. They were sweet, loving, some of them were handsome - (tall), but at the end of the day, they were nothing more than the late night WhatsApper(s) to me. Nobody ever swept me off my feet and i’m pretty sure nobody will.

I can’t explain it without sounding like a total bitch so i’ll be brief and precise. See, these guys were perfect in all the good and bad ways. They loved me and treated me how a woman is supposed to be treated and i respect them for that. But no matter how much i tried, i could never reciprocate their feelings and they knew that. 

Love for me is a solved mystery - Solved because i can manually control my feelings towards the other person and switch it on and off whenever i want and mystery because even after all these years, something or the other, still manages to surprise me.

Understand what i’m trying to say? Good, neither can I.

Okay, i’ll make it even more simpler.

I can fall out of love whenever i want. See. There.

And no, i’m not saying this to act cool. I would like to experience love someday. I’d like to experience anything, everything that can surprise me. I’m in for that shit (My inner thug is rising!)

But no, seriously. This is it. This is me. This is the truth. Right here. I said it. Maybe i’ll write to you again sometime when i experience ‘Love’, be a little more poetic or little more doleful (maybe) but not right now, not today.

Today i’m content with myself, my life filled with - self-contemplation, existential crisis, pints of beer and deadly mood swings. Today i’m spending my time and energy in building myself and in no way am i ready to fall in love with somebody. Please Note: I used the term ‘ready’ because like i said, i can manually control my feelings. Some supernatural shit i have here i tell you. (Also, I think if i ever happen to find the ‘Love Of My life’ i might just scare him with my uncalled lame jokes, just saying!)

So here it is. This piece of art (not really), that would make any potential hopeless lover (Millennial Romeo) judge the fuck out of me and hate me but i had to write this and make the voices inside my head, stop. The voices that are telling me right now that it’s time to have a chicken burger!

So i’m going on a date with myself and treating my not-so-flat tummy with some (un)healthy food. But i hope life surprises me (like it always has) and someday make me meet someone who’ll share my love for Travelling, Pink floyd, Chuck palahniuk, extra cheese pizzas, Christopher nolan, and Oversized graphic t-shirts. 

But before I go, dear Juliet, I do have one question for you, if you don’t mind me asking…..

Is this it? Am I actually immune to the love disease? Because as much as I am happy to not feel the pain and loss that many have felt around me, I can’t help but wonder - sometimes, super rarely - Am I not meant to fall in love?