The Coffee Flavor

‘God!…..It’s soo good to see you.’ she folded her arms around me and stood still.

‘Yeah, me too’ I took my hands out of my pockets and patted her back gently.

‘What! 8 years and still uncomfortable with hugs! God, Neel! Have you not changed at all?’

‘You can’t hate a person for being particular about his personal space, can you? Now if you will let me go….um…..people are looouuuking!’ I almost sang through the end.

‘Fuck’em! I’m meeting my best friend after ages. I can do whatever the fuck I want.’ she held me tighter and swayed side to side. Her eyes were closed and I could feel the warmth journeying from her body and breaking through my anxious head.

Oh, I missed this.

‘You do know your boobs are digging into my chest right?’ I murmured into her ears.

‘Of course. So are yours!’ she laughed and let me lose.

‘Fuck off!’

‘Sit now. What will you have? The usual?’

She remembers?

My raised brows followed her doe eyes as we both sat across each other. She placed her arms over the table and my eyes quickly caught a glimpse of the lights refracted through the huge rock ostentatiously resting upon her finger. I looked at her and pressed my lips against each other.

‘Is that a smirk or a smile?’ she scoffed.

‘Why?’

‘Well, because I see a half curve forming on your stupid face and I don’t know what to make of it?’

‘You know what to make of it!’

‘No I don’t.’ she threw her head to the side and narrowed her chestnut eyes.

Beautiful!

‘Look, if you are happy, I’m happy for you.’

She parted her red painted lips a little and furrowed her neatly plucked brows. ‘But you never believed in these things.’ she grunted.

‘I don’t.’ I held her hand and caressed her fingers with my thumb. ‘But I believe in happiness and I can see you are happy. I can see it on your face right now. I could see it 10 minutes ago when you walked in with those oversized sunglasses. I know you are happy and it makes me content.’

She placed her other hand on top of mine and bit her upper lip.

Please don’t cry. Not now.

She started biting her upper lip harder and her eyes moved towards the ceiling with her face turning away at all possible angles.

‘But you do know he is an asshole, right?’ Major distraction was needed this time - MAJOR and nothing could have snapped her more than insulting her stupid fiance.

‘I know!’ she shook her head and giggled. ‘After all this while, you still hate him!’

‘I have a built-in asshole aversion feature, y’know!’

‘YA, Eye’Know!’ she giggled a little harder this time. We were back at being twelve, using 90’s catchphrases with lame moderations. My mind flew back to tracing the memories of these missing 18 years but all I met were random flashbacks in sepia. Nothing concrete. At that instant my life seemed like a random patchwork of memories rather than a continuum of unreasonable instances.

A tear fell from her right eye and she instantly wiped it off. Her face was radiating more than ever and I couldn’t articulate if the fancy rock had anything to do with it.

‘So, when’s the wedding?’

‘In a week’

‘Can I take your order?’ A barista in his late teens with an unruly beard interrupted and took away the attention from my reactive dismayed expressions.

‘Yeah, a non-fat tall latte for me and a frappuccino choco-chip grande with an extra shot of espresso for him’ she swayed her hand in the air as she moved her thin smooth wrist with every spoken word.

She remembers!

I looked at her and smiled, for real this time.

‘What?’ she asked, bemused.

I missed this smile!

‘Nothing.’ I shook my head loosely.

‘Yup….Still not over with your “Nothings” huh?’

‘Nope’

‘So, you’re coming right?’

I squinted my eyes.

‘....To my wedding, jerk!’

I pressed my lips gently and looked away. I could feel her fierce gaze from across the table, fixed upon my face. I closed my eyes momentarily and her longing face flashed instantly before my eyes.

How can she manage to get inside my head!

‘You are, right?’ she asked again, her tone carried a whiff of desperation this time.

‘I can’t’ I pronounced without ever looking at her.

I’m sorry!

‘What the hell!’

I took a long sigh. ‘It’s hard to explain.’

‘Well. Explain.’ She raised her brows and crossed her arms over the table.

‘I don’t...’ I spoke quietly, ‘you know, I don’t believe in all this crap’

‘Yes I know but you can always attend one even if you can’t commit to it!’ her face stiffed as her voice grew coarser with every word. I squinted my eyes and tried to read the expressions on her face. Her facial muscles were tense as a flash of rage glinted through her eyes. She wasn’t blinking, just staring plain dead.

My eyes wandered mindlessly back to the flashy stone carried by her freshly manicured hand. ‘This is what you always wanted’ I said, my gaze fixed at the refracting sparkles, ‘’and you’ll soon have it and more. Please don’t let me ruin any of it. I already broke you once, I don’t want to do it again. I can’t. I’m not strong enough!’

‘YOU are not strong enough? Wow. So this all is still about you, huh?’ she shook her head as her nose flinched.

‘No it’s not that it’s just….’

‘You know what! This entire thing was a mistake. Meeting you was a mistake. Falling in love with you was a mistake. And do you know what’s the worst of it? You are a mistake I can never forgive.’ she sighed and closed her eyes. Silence settled as the scraped dust particles swayed within the beams of sunlight emanating through the window. She was breathing heavily, exhaling the heavy air permeating between us. With every movement of her lips that didn’t pronounce any words, I was sinking a little.

‘Remember the first time you kissed me?’ she spoke with her eyes shut, ‘Remember how you slid closer while we were sitting on my couch watching August Rush? Remember how you carefully took the lemon soda can off my hands and put it on the wood table? Remember how you placed your hands on my face and caressed my cheeks with your trembling fingers?’ She paused and took a deep breath, ‘It was my first kiss and all my attempts after you left were only to remember and live that moment once again. Every time my lips embraced someone, I couldn’t help but see you in them...all of them...including him.’

She sighed and opened her eyes but they weren’t the same anymore. I looked at her and all I sensed was a reflection fading back in the time, the morning I told her I was moving to Marseille, the sunny afternoon when I confessed my love to her, the spring eve when we explored each other’s bodies, and yes, that night in her house when her lips consumed my soul - I saw it, I saw it all through her eyes in a reversed loop. A shiver ran through my spine and I quickly looked away.

Wait, did I just hallucinate or did that really happen?

My left leg started shaking and I gripped the knee with both hands to steady it. I adjusted in my seat and sat straight. My head felt like a giant supernova with thoughts exploding in all directions with an aching trail. I pulled my head and dragged my eyes away to capture a new subject of attention but my senses were failing me miserably. My straining irises quickly ran back to meet those precious eyes that were staring back with nothing but pure, unadulterated empathy induced with a glint of pity.

‘Can I ask you something?’ she tilted her head to one side, ‘Why did you decide to meet me when I sent you my wedding invitation?’

‘I don’t know’ I swayed back and forth on the seat.

‘I think I do.’ she smirked.

I know you do!

I pressed my hands harder against my knee which was visibly quivering uncontrollably by this time. She looked at my shaking arms, dropped her head and sighed.

‘I-I think I should leave now’ I struggled with my words.

She looked up and said nothing. There was a passive gaze followed by an indifferent nod with her face showing no sign of protest. We both knew this was it.

As I got up from my table, the young barista showed up and placed the steaming cups on the table.

‘Are you going to have it?’ she asked without turning her head.

‘No. I think I’m over it now.’ I smiled and walked away.