Each time I get supercuts of you, I could hear Elton John singing.
I hate you for destroying my favorite song.
All 2 am thoughts that I had were all about what we used to. You, perhaps dreaming of her while I, hands on my face trying to forget everything. Hoping that tears could wash away every little memory. Praying that the darkness of the night would take away the picture of your gaze on me the first night we met.
I couldn't even close my eyes even when everything seems to look so painful, because darling, whenever my iris meets the gloom - all I get are the forgotten memories of us.
Funny, I genuinely thought that what we had was real. I, not even a second, doubt that there was a fiction that is going on. I was good with distinguishing lies and you were good with perfecting fibs.
I told you I don’t like goodbyes, was that reason why you left me unwarned?
Though I wasn’t ready for the pain of people leaving, I did everything to survive. Because there’s no more sense in hopes that we could fix this. Because we never really have it.
And then one night as I close my eyes, I figured that it was the very first day I had that I stopped missing you. I don’t feel the heavy pain in my chest whenever I hear your name. I already stopped thinking that the reason I could smell your scent in the morning is that you visit me in the middle of the night because you feel like missing me.
There were moments that I don’t remember you in the same spot you first kissed me.
I no longer could hear the echoes of your i love you’s.
At night, I don’t hunger for you.
I don’t have these things in my pocket anymore.
What’s left were stitched parts of me.
I put them differently just so you won’t recognize; so you can no longer have it, just so you could no longer break it.
It feels better not to feel you.
APRIL 2017