13th October is the day i first heard and downloaded this song by Fergie.
It all started with me realizing that being sad is taking a toll on my health and studies and friendships and everything else..... life in general actually....And so i stopped the Amnesia video and searched for "songs to let it go and move on" on YouTube and there was this playlist in which the first song was "A little bit stronger" by Sarah Evans... And i was watching the video.... And i dunno something clicked coz she looked and sounded like she was feeling exactly like how i was feeling.....And then the lyrics took a hold over me...
"
Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.
"
And I just kept watching the video and listening to the song on repeat.... It gave me a kind of strength which I hadn't expected it would give..... That playlist also gave me two other amazing songs, "Wasting All these tears" by Cassadee Pope and "Big girls don't cry" by Fergie.... Both with amazing lyrics again.... It's like these songs resonated with my inner self and gave me peace.... And I didn't shed a single tear after that... Can you believe it??!!!
And i found "Gonna get over you" by my fav Sara Baraeilles.... Such a fun song!! It lifts you up..... It's like the song understands what you're going through and is actually trying to cheer you up!!!
"
And I tell myself to let the story end,
My heart will rest in someone else's hand
My 'why not me?' philosophy began,
And I say
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight,
Someday...
"
Past two months... August 11th to October 11th.... I've cried every single day... Crying myself to sleep late at night and waking up crying , on weekends and quiet afternoons,on my bed and on my floor, quietly sobbing or trying to calm myself down as i scream as softly as i can....And it got hundred times worse when i was PMSing.... I've been a complete mess... It's like all the pain of my past decided to unleash itself finally with this one small incident.... I'd always prided myself on never crying... I always used to say "I don't cry"..... And so all the tears flowed now.... Crying became the only thing I was doing... It became as normal as eating and sleeping...... It's like all the sadness just wanted to stay and express itself... And so i cried.... I just couldn't stop... It was becoming almost like an addiction though it gave me nothing but more pain.... I secretly kept hoping someone would find me and hold me and tell me its gonna be ok...And at the same time I didn't want anyone to know... I just wanted them to know only my smiley face.....I didn't know what to do... I was myself searching and conjuring up reasons and memories and incidents to cry about...
And then after getting hurt over all the self-pity and doubt, I thought "moving on" meant showing that I don't give a damn and keeping my pride and then started this whole thing of me ignoring and being mean... But the point is every time I use the ignoring to avoid conversation and awkwardness, I would later go and cry out of regret..Being mean just isn't my style... I wasn't affecting anyone but myself.... I was just hurting myself....
I'm dying for some attention..i'm ashamed to admit it..but I am... just a few words,a message..anything... But i know I'm being stupid by holding on... Point is deep inside some part of me doesn't even WANT to let go :(
I'm tired..... I've even stopped crying! I just hope I've stopped for good...I don't want it to all build up and flow again... I've cried enough Gangas and Yamunas for many many years..lol :p The pain isn't gone yet and I haven't even succeeded in turning it into a case of hatred and anger....So now I just stick to pretending one of us doesn't exist whenever we are forced to come across each other....
Seriously , if we ever are forced to sit and talk alone, I'd literally die outta awkwardness coz I wouldn't know what to speak and what to do and how to act while I'll be dying to scream and shout and cry on the inside.... :P I don't know what i might end up saying and doing and it sure isn't gonna be pleasant for anyone.....
Music!!! It did so much.... When i was sad, I just had to play "Kabira" or "Amnesia" or "Chaandaniya" or "Manchala" or "For the First Time" or any other song like that...And in minutes I'd be crying for soo long with my face buried in my pillow..... But atleast crying let all the pain out... When i wasn't crying, it drove me mad on the inside...especially when i had to smile for the world, I'd come back to my room and finally cry my eyes out till i had no energy left.... Lyrics spilled my heart out....And gave me the peace of knowing that I'm not the only one with pain.... And they made me cry....
Ironically, finally music is the thing which rescued me too... Just a small change of heart,change of lyrics and tone... And that's all i needed to stop....Now again I'm back to holding back my tears... Back to saying "I don't cry".... I'm growing up...regaining my pride.... Now all I need to do when I'm about to break down is to tell myself to listen to one of these songs... To tell myself that "Big girls don't cry"..... I'll be alright :) Even if it's just not tonight :) Someday.....