Something terrible happened today. I know I had bottled up anger inside me but I didn't know I will see it translating into something that it did today. I am so embarassed of myself and so, this is how I am going to vent. I am ashamed of even telling people I could be this person. I, who has taken pride in being calm when situations call for it, felt that people will now always view me with that filter and I don't want them to change their filters for me ever. I know it sounds petty but that's what shame and guilt have the power to do to you.
We had ordered Dosa for dinner and I wasn't quite excited to have it but my body felt weak all day so i finished off all my work to bring my dinner to bed. It was such a productive day, i woke up earlier than usual, finished off multiple assignments and even worked on my research. Well, for one, I hadn't showered today because I showered twice yesterday. At night, against my own preferences, i ordered Dosa because my family wanted it. I gave in because I wasn't particularly excited about anything in life. Life is bleh.
At around 8:45 PM i brought my food to my bed and the chutney box was dripping from its edge as a result of which it spilled on my bed and I get really pissed if I or someone else spills food on my bed which is why I always take double precautions. Anyway, I brought tissues from my living room to clean the chutney up. Tissues soaked all of it pretty well but as i put the container over my Dosa box, it spilled a bit more. In a fit of rage, I threw the entire container on the floor. I stood in front of the mess for a minute. Fuck fuck fuck fuck what did i just do. I have no idea what came over me next but impulsively so, I threw the Sambhar container on the floor too and it splashed all over my table and the bed and the fairylights. The beautiful fairy lights I had bought from Pondicherry. I stood in front of the mess and sat down in the corner of room, crying. I don't know why i was crying. I don't know what had just happened. What was I thinking. The dosa was safe. In another fit of rage i crushed the Dosa box and had two bites. Ate like a caveman. Threw the rest.
I don't know what was bothering me, was it the guilt of wasting food, the guilt of letting my anger escalate like that, the guilt of not having a control over it, or the shame of not being in my right mind. I think it was all of it. All of it was happening.
I came out of my room and lied to my mother that I fell. My mother hugged me and instantly made me two Aloo-Pyaaz paranthas. She asked me to cheer up and told me that it happens.
While she was making Paranthas, I cleaned the mess. I felt so horrible, i didn't even have the capacity to cry anymore. I looked at my fairylights and I concluded something. I need help. I am not okay. Something is wrong. I had the paranthas and they were great but I didn't quite enjoy them either. My mom cleaned the rest of the mess even despite my protests. And that added more to my guilt. I hate myself.
I reached out to someone but it didn't help. Another friend listened to me and asked me to relax. Eventually we talked about therapy and just how much I need it.
I can't believe just a few drops of chutney on my bed triggered this whole massive mess. I know I have hit myself in the head with my shampoo bottle in the past when I have been angry. But, this. I haven't done anything quite this impulsive. I don't know what I was thinking.
I am sad or upset I guess. I have a lot of frustrations inside me that bubbled too loudly today. I am not proud of that at all. I am ashamed, infact.
I am sorry.
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