Another day in the life of an introvert

WARNING : You may find the following stuff stupid and i don't blame you. It's a confession not a story. A typical diary confession only this time i'm pushing the boundaries and letting  the world know how gears roll in that 1.36 kg of mass called the brain of an introvert.

Life’s been treating me as usual and it doesn’t bother me as it didn’t involve someone or something I cared about until today. Cousin’s reception party, saw my brother(cousin) after what two years at the least. I didn’t know I had one like him until I was seventeen. I don't come from a close knit family so cousins were unheard of until i could vote.  Me being the introvert I am struggled to make a move. He being him took a step back when I reached his sister. She never bothered too but that didn’t even tickle me. I wasn’t surprised coz I never gave him anything to stay put but I would be lying if I say it didn’t bother me where it concerned him. Mom trolled him for being the next in line for matrimony. He never glanced my way all through the chatter.. no surprises there again. On my way to the dining hall he spotted me but by the time I could make eye contact he turned away. It will be another year before I see him again if I’m lucky. Even then nothing’s gonna change. We are gonna be ourselves. What pricks me most is it’s not everyday I look forward to someone and when that day arrives I just can’t step up and be done with it. It will be aeons again before I look forward to another person. The thing that scares me most is I’m getting used to not stepping up. All my memories of my brother includes him stepping away and me not able to step up.. I don’t want to remember us that way. They say change is the only permanent thing… then why haven’t I stepped up? Trust me, i want to very badly open up and just release this pent up energy but only if it were that easy for me. It sucks when you turn out to be an emotional introvert. It makes the job much more nastier. Inspite of all this, there comes a time once in a blue moon where i do find the courage and when i'm just about to climb out of the well, there's this rush of nervousness and i shudder and even before i realize it, i'm back to where i began. I don't know how ironic is this or if this could be called irony at all, i don't have the slightest problem in making stage appearances with so many pair of eyes following your every move. Not a problem ! But come to have a small talk or a one to one conversation.. it craps the hell out of me. Making eye contact in a one to one..  don't even get me started.  

Still.. one can dream right ? I wonder what is childhood was like.. the school he went to.. the college he went to.. what his friends must be like.. what must be his hobbies......

I wish I didn’t suck at socializing..

I wish I wasn’t an introvert…

I wish I could step up…

I don’t why but I have this feeling that this wouldn’t be the last confession on a thing such as this.. and there would be many more to come. Off course it will else I won’t be an introvert. Here I’m rambling about not able to step up to my cousin and not some guy I have a crush on. For someone who’s not been in my shoes, it’s like what the crap is going on here.. for introvert is another word in their vocabulary but for me it’s an emotion. Even right now, here I’m typing as thoughts flow and I have no idea what my next line would be while talking about this same shit would be much easier but no… why would I do that ?! Because doing so would be betraying the core values of an introvert !! Before I realize, I’m gonna wake up one day and be 60 and yet.. nothing would have changed.

Is this what I want ?

Trust me. It’s a big NO.

Then do I regret being an introvert?

Hell NO

Then how do i get around it ?

No idea

But I know this much.. Just because I don’t express it, doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do so…….much just the way I show it is different. It may not be the popular way of expressing it but still a way. And as long as that’s happening I’m gonna break out of my shell. Until then.. gotta hang on.

Cya until my next episode.