She closed the door , i was alone now . i listened to her steps for few seconds , she was walking away , slowly , hesitating . leaving me or coming back ? she stopped . i felt like my heart was going to explode , i was ready to change to say sorry , i wanted to burst in tears and open the door run to her arms and never hurt her again . But as expected she left , really fast , like she was free , she was finaly free from the monster that i am . she has done the right thing and somewhere deep in me i was happy for her . Something deep and wet was falling from my cheeks , i was crying ? i dont even remember the last time that i did ... suddenly i bursted in tears , i was screaming , suffocating , calling her name again and again , all the pain that my heart used to contain chowed up , it was sad , so sad but it was beautiful at the same time .Suddenly , something hit me , i remembered who i was , who i am . i did this , i did everything so she could leave , and now that she is gone i found it pathetic . i am pathetic , constantly torn between good and bad ...
im a moving disease , im ready to break everyone around me so i could fix myself . I got up , wiped my tears and weaknesses away , light up a cigaret and smoked all the memories of us , i watched those pictures in my head slowly decomposed with the smoke . i laid , feeling numb , empty . she was gone and i was me once again ...
i wen out for a walk , i saw a beautiful young girl , she was innocent , pure . her laugh sounds like a melody , she was an angel , she was my new victim . when will i admit that i am the real victim of my thoughts , of myself ... ? but there is no escape , no way out , i was stuck in this darkness and no one can save me . i approached her carefuly , and with the most natural way i said : 'hey ! '