It was long working day, tired completely, resting on terrace, noticing moon and gazing stars and waiting for one more day to end. Suddenly mobile light flashed and there was a message of Karan. Skipped my heartbeat for a second, I read it -
Karan -"Hi, How's you?"
Me- Good, u say ...
Karan - I am also good, I am in Germany for a project.
Me- Wowww, Nice !!
Karan - Hey, yar i won't be able to attend your marriage.
Me- "Why, I told you in advance na !!!"
Karan- My colleague is getting married on same day. And second reason I don't know :)
Me- Hmmm, okay fine
After a pause for a while, it was call from him. I grabbed it immediately, he is someone I can even talk on death bed. I can ask GOD to give me few minutes to stare him if it's time for me to leave the world.
His voice was just so serene for me, the tiredness of whole day vanished with just one word - "Hello, Kese ho ?" (Hello, How are you?). I just replied "Thik hu." (I am okay) (Imagining him in Blue denim and brown shirt,he wore this combination when we met for first and last time).
Karan was someone who would never utter a word, would not never express himself, always gave me hints but no conclusions and this made me moved on from him 6 years before. I was, am and will be in deeply love with him. I know why , but there was something that just kept me connected with him.
He got married last year and I will be getting married soon. But still the feelings are intact, pure and without any expectations. I never expected him to love me, after all I couldn't even dare to do that.
He was most smart and handsome guy I ever met. Though short in stature, it never affected his personality even for a single second. His charm is just indispensable.
Evaluating me 6 years before, I am just less than average looking, fat, wheatish, studious girl, with spectacles. It was pole apart personalities for us. The only thing which i guess he liked about me was my talks.
Things changed from sunrise to sunset in those 6 years. I completed Masters and pursuing career in marketing with tremendous growth. I transformed from fat to perfectly- curvy girl, from spectacles to lenses, wheatish to dusky, hot complexion and not to boast of, I have made a long list of admirers for me. But still, I can't even think of standing in front of Karan. Even in 30s, he can beat any supermodel or guys in 20s. Such was his charm and personality.
Having a quick flashback in my mind, I returned to real world and we started talking. We both can spend entire lifetime in just talking, because we just met once in lifetime and rest we just talked, talked, talked and more talks.
I felt something unusual about his talks today. He was trying to play hide and seek with his own feelings and I was just undecided about anything. He asked me about my fiance, how's he, how he treats me and that was something I couldn't definitely relate to Karan. He was always naughty, kept on teasing me, would never make first move be it calling or messaging me. I told him all is going ood but still he was slightly concerned about me.
Karan never used to talk about our past talks- my college life, his phone calls our chats nothing. He would always live in present and me always in past with his memories. He remembered even the slightest details about my first visit, about our first telephonic conversation, about my hostel, about the talks we did in past, about my habits.
I was just 19 years old when I started talking with Karan and he was in his mid 20s and more mature than me. I was always a kid to him and he was supposed to be my Google (any problem, any mishaps, anything related to college, friends, Karan would definitely have idea about my small things of my life).
The only explanation I would have from him about remembering those days is - "You know i got a sharp memory Jhanvi and that's why I remembered everything." I never gave second thought to his talks because I was very sure that he couldn't be in love with him and believed whatever he says all the time, everytime.
I remembered my day of confession of love to him. It was 11th November' 2009, I was almost so panicked about him, I was not able to decide about his feelings for him. I called him up, it was raining in winters and I said "I Love You Karan". He just kept quite and replied he would call me in night. He didn't call me. I cried almost whole night and then left all hope of getting love from Karan.
We talked about everything we both remember and suddenly he asked me - "Why you got into relationship with Vinay? Can't you give me sometime ?". I was blank, startled and astonished. I can imagine how much Karan would have gone through to utter these words in front of me. I argued with him that he would have stopped me the, he would have slapped me, he never uttered a single word of praise, admiration or love for me when I was there and suddenly now.
I was dumped by Vinay after three years of relationship and Vinay was college friend of Karan. I was completely changed personality after that. Focused, determined, career-oriented all adjectives of highly qualified corporate girl can be associated with me now but deep down I am same Roma- Sensitive, shy, reserved, vulnerable and all similar adjectives can be associated with this deep down Roma.
He recollected himself and with Karan, it's matter of seconds, he could get back into his shell and behave normally. With me it's opposite, I would keep running behind past things, would cling to them and would try to change them making me restless.
He turned the whole topic to my wedding shopping and other useless stuff. I was replying to his questions but my mind was on roller-coaster ride. I was again undecided about his feelings for him. I asked him directly - and he said "Hamesh kuch kehna jaruri hota hai kya?" (Is it necessary everytime to convey feelings through words. The typical Karan way - he would leave you to decide and if we interpreted it us in our way, he would leave you to your conclusion.
But I was broken today. I forgot Vinay long back when he left me but Karan was just indispensable. I managed somehow and spoke my mind in front of him that I wanted to be with him in my next birth. He said I wanted the same.
I was really happy but there was no meaning of this happiness, it's meaningless, it's just created a sense of satisfaction that atleast he had some feelings for me.