I still remember the day I first started having feelings for her!! It was a Friday afternoon. We were sitting in the study hall at school , for we study in a boarding high school, chatting and she smiled at me!! My heart started thrusting against my chest, and at that very special moment, I knew I had feelings for her!!
That night, I couldn't sleep because of thinking about her, but mostly because of thinking about me!! I had no idea why or how did I get those feelings, but they sure weren't fading away anytime soon!!
After that I started reading articles about girls who had feelings for other girls,in other words "lesbians" or boys who had feelings for other boys "gays", but then there were an intersting article about girls or boys who like both genders!! They're called "bisexuels"!! When reading that article I started questioning who and what I really am. And that's when it hit me!! I am a BISEXUEL!!
Accepting it ...
As I started to gather more knowledge about LGBT, I found out that I wasn't really against it like most people in my country, I was only against me being one of them!! Not because I find it bad, but because my family, country and religion do!!
Yeah, they do!! My family is educated yet judging, my country is Morocco, and my religion is Islam!! I AM A BISEXUAL GIRL MUSLIM!! And Awkwardly, I didn't have a problem accepting it!!
I was at the age of 15, when I found out that I'm bisexual and totally accepted it!! And so did SHE!! Sam was one of those people who had always supported LGBT Rights, so I confessed to her!! I told her that I like her and that I'm bisexuel!! I thought she's going to freak out because we've been sleeping next to each other for the entire year, but she accepted it and told me that it was okay!!And at that moment I realised that I actually love her!!
First relationship ...
Sam and I became closer than ever!! She looked out for me, supported me, and held me when I was feeling down!! But her friendly attention and love made me crave her even more!! So one night, as we were laying in bed, she looked so beautiful that I couldn't help kissing her, and surprisingly, she kissed me back!!
Tears gathered at the corner of my eyes as the kiss was so sweet and passionate, and REVEALING!! As we were kissing I felt she wasn't pulling any effort to kiss me, and that's when I realised it ... SHE LOVED ME BACK!!
I was so thrilled and happy, so I held her tight as she snuggled against my neck, and I felt her hot breath on my skin!! I gently put a sweet kiss on her forehead as we both fell asleep!!
Sam and I weren't the kind of people to let go of things or forget them.So, the next morning we confronted each other about what had happened the night before, and that's when she confessed her love to me!! It felt amazing hearing it from her so I hugged her and that's when my first bisexuel relationship started!!
WAKE UP!!
As my relationship with Sam started to get more intimate, the weekend started to come closer, but it didn't come alone!! It brought with it ideas about what will happen if my family found out!! Just thinking about it made me scared, especially since my father is a very religious man, but even more scared that something bad will happen to Sam because of me, and that's when a terrifying voice screamed inside my head: WAKE UP!!
I had to do somthing, even if I'll be hurt.I needed to make sure Sam's going to be safe!! As I thought about it, I figured out that the only way to keep her safe is by breaking up with her!!My heart was devastated at the idea, but it was the only way!!
As I knew Sam very well, she wouldn't believe me if I just said that I stopped loving her as an excuse to break up, so I had to came up with something to made her hate me and leave me forever!!
The lie ...
As I was really smart, I told Sam that I never keep a relationship with a girl for more than 8 days!! It made me sound like an asshole, but this asshole had a really good reason to do so!!
Sam hated me!! Literally!! She kept saying how bad and awfull what I had done to her and I couldn't do anything but smile while my heart was crying in the inside!!
The lie broke Sam and I apart!! It destroyed me, but unfortunetly, it made Sam stronger than before!! I told my best friend Ray about everything!! And she promised me to keep it a secret, the funny part is I wanted her to break that promise!! And when she finally did, Sam found herself a new girlfiend and I couldn't have standed a chance!!
After what happened, I became a totall mess!! I tried to commit suicide multiple times, and whenever I saw them together I cried myself to sleep!!
The in-self journey!!
Altough leaving Sam was the hardest thing I had ever done, It gave me time to think a lot more about myself!! And that's when I realised that maybe leaving Sam was the best choice, because if someone had known about what happened between us, we might both go to jail for we have sinned!!
Homosexuality is forbidden in Islam!! And I knew that but I couldn't stop my feelings and that's when it all started!! I've became an officiall LGBT Rights supporter, even though it was against my religion!!
I've experienced what it's like to feel helpless with yourself because of your feelings and ideas, and I had known what all LGBT people, and especially LGBT muslims, feel, the pain they deal with, the hate they get every second, and being the strong person I am, I've managed to get through the hardships I faced, and I wanted to help others by sharing my story first, then by giving them LOVE, AFFECTION, and the SUPPORT they need!!
I AM A PROUD BISEXUEL GIRL MUSLIM!!