I always wanted to say something along the lines of "Wow....My life is amazing." When in all reality; my life was total shit.
I was a ninteteen year old girl; working at a job that socially and physically made me depressed; and my hair was at my awkward stage of growth that nobody liked; Including me.
So for the most part; my life was not amazing.
I remember being In school and wanting so much more for myself; but every single day had dragged on like a poor stuffed animal being dragged by an infant.
I was utterly alone; and I was terribly afraid of it staying that way.
Yet....I never did anything to change it.
Maybe it was my fault. For staying that way for so long; but every day had seemed to be an exact replica of the last. Wake up; do what I'm supposed to do. Talk with your friends. Go to bed too late, and regret all of your decisions the next day.
I was miserable.
And yet; there were still things that made every night shine a little brighter.
My Girlfriend would say something sweet; or she would give me that million dollar smile.
My mom would make one of my favorite foods; And me being hungry every moment of my life- would anticipate it from my zoo of a bedroom.
My brother would be happy; my posts would get admired; my art would come out how I pictured it in my head.
And that's what I lived for I guess; The small things.
The small things-
So my life wasn't amazing; I think I've made that perfectly clear.
But it wasn't completely horrible; at least not in perspective of other people. I had a job- which was always good- despite how bad it was most days.
I had my girlfriend still by my side, and I would never wish that away.
I had money, plans, I had talents that I could progress within myself.
And yet; there was something missing.
Friends.
For a long while there I had plenty of friends; I could call someone up and we could set up a day where we all would hang out and have a good time.
Now, I can't even walk through town without running into someone who completely ignores me. Nice right?
I mean, as I've said; and will continue to say. I did this to myself.
I don't go out much and I rarely leave the house with a set plan in mind. I stay in my room and on Skype. I draw. Procrastinate cleaning my room.
I sing too loudly; and listen to music nobody really likes anymore.
I guess my own company has always been the best. At least in my own eyes.
I would pay to have friends some days; someone to talk to me and someone to laugh at all of my lame vines; all of my ridiculous jokes.
Life just doesn't work that way though, which really sucks. Cause I would go all out too; Five dollars- Max.
Haha.
See? I'm only funny in my head; and that is the best way to describe it.
Really though. My friends are all gone; afraid that I wont be able to keep them happy I assume; and maybe they're right.
Or maybe not.
I'm not really sure to be honest.
But looking at it now; from an un-fogged position in my life's rear view mirror.
Maybe I never deserved them in the first place.