Born again .

To my dear love , 

I am writing you this letter without knowing if you will receive it or not , without knowing if you will read it or not , without even knowing if i shall send it in some river or not ..

For twenty years , i have  been a troublemaker , a lazy person , a bad creature , i have   been a struggle for all the ones who truely care for me : the school , the neighbours , the family , the friends but i  especially have been a struggle to you .. 

You gave me life , you gave me breath , you gave me blood , you were my faith , 

i'm alive thank's to you , i can breath thank's to you , i can walk with my two feets , i can eat wherever i want , i can meet with whomever i like to  , i can speak however i want to , i can do everything that you couldn't do when you had to take care of me , i was never matured enough to make you feel secure , i was never mature enough to make you feel safe , i was never kind enough to help you by helping myself because you have  wasted all of your energy trying to help me out at every single thing .. I was never human enough to tell that i loved you back ..

I regret it all now , i want it all now .. But i can't , it is too late for my apologies , it is to late for my regrets , it is too late now for everything that concerns us , i regret it all , i still want it all , but my regrets are all in vain , because all what i will get right now , is a river of shame ..

The shame of loosing you without telling our goodbyes ..
The shame of wasting your life on me while the time flies
The shame of not showing you love , or even the gratitude ..
And the shame of being so hard with you with my hard attitude 

My dear love i have a lot to say but nothing to write , because what i want to tell you -by written words- will never be quite defined , but what i am certainely sure about it is the fact that i want nothing more than your bless and smile , i want to make you proud of me for the first time of my life , i want to be a good kid , i want to be a better child , i want to build myself at this point , build my life , build my future , hold my past , and live my present as the way you wanted me te live it , i want to act to my age , i want to act as an adult , i want to be a better person ..I will be a better person ! I should of realised what i'm realising now an age ago when you were still alive , i should of made that change the moment you gave me life , the moment you gave birth !  I  did not made your life easier , i was not present in your death to give you the goodbye forehead kiss , but i definitely am present now , and i will do all the things that could of make you proud , i am  here , i am awake , i am aware of my mistakes , i know that i can't fix them , i know that i can't erase them , but i also know that i  will not keep doing them , today is a different day , i am a new me .....Mom , i think i am born again ! 

                                                                                                            Love , your sinner child .