"Take a break from everything."
Those words she texted me that morning, kept on repeating in my mind, as I walked around the mall. I wanted a breather as well. Knowing whatever I learned a night before that, tore me into pieces. I never felt much pain like that in my years of living.
The shots I took everytime I get hospitalized were nothing compared to the pain, I have in my heart at that day. My chest pains also, weren't as much at all. And all I wanted was to find some peace. To distract myself. To find something to comfort me. To have an iced coffee. To take sips of it, hoping it would cool down the fiery anger and unknown emotions I had inside me.
I went to the coffee shop, all three of us often visit. As I entered, it felt nostalgic. The bittersweet aroma wafting in midair. The lights and the familiar chairs and tables.
But what I saw made my heart hault into a stop. Shock was an understatement. Surprise wasn't even the right term.
She was there, at the counter, with the guy I fell in love with.
And there I was, taking my baby steps, towards the people who crushed my heart.
They were busy choosing what to buy. As always, indecisive. And I remembered before, I was always the one to decide first on what to get. They were smiling... Taking their time in the world.
And there I was, taking my time observing them.
When finally, she glanced at the back. She managed to lock her gaze with mine. She was probably surprised seeing me there. Like a nightmare for her to see me. I saw how she paused. How she gulped. How her smile faded as she realized it was really me.
It took her a minute maybe. Then, she called out my name.
But I didn't know how to react. I felt numbed. My heart was pounding so hard but I didn't know exactly why. Was it because of anger? Jealousy? Pain? Hurt? Happiness because I saw them again? Disappointment? Betrayal? I didn't have any idea exactly what it was. The noises around me were all muffled. Even her voice was drowned by my drumming heartbeats.
I was defeaned.
Suddenly, I felt the air inside the shop become so thick, I couldn't breathe. I didn't know if she saw it. But I felt all the color in my face drain to the pit. My arms, my tummy, and my legs felt all cold. Extremely cold I was freezing inside. My hands were trembling against my sides so I tried to clench them to hide what I felt.
She stared... But said nothing else. My gaze went from her, to the guy I love. He didn't bother to face me. All I saw was his back. His broad back, unwilling to make a turn to see how I was.
My stomach was churning. I forgot how to breathe. I felt like I was going to faint. Like I was going to puke. But I remained still. I stood there, emotionless for awhile. I clenched my fists again, digging my nails into my palms, trying to inflict myself a bit of pain. To see if I was hurting. To check if I was still alive.
I never knew how to be real helpless. That feeling when you wanted to grab hold of somebody's hand to keep you company. That feeling when you wanted to lean on someone to make you maintain your balance. To keep you standing. But that time, that very time, I really felt so alone.
They were together, side by side. While I stood there all alone. And people around never knew that I was struggling from keeping my feet on the ground. No one had any idea I was on the verge of dying inside. No one knew. And no one cared.
I just found myself rushing out of the shop. I went to the bookstore across and hid by the shelves. I leaned on one, for support. The smell of books always made me feel happy. And that time, I used it as my means of comfort.
I never knew inanimate objects could offer more relief than real, living people.
It was so funny, coz I was like in an epic love story. A kind of story I only read in fictional books. With those made up scenarios you wouldn't imagine that would happen in real life.
Was it all real?
I pinched my arm. It hurt. But twas nothing to what I felt as of that moment. I didn't know what to do... But I whispered to myself to breathe. To inhale. And exhale. To calm down. Like what I often instructed to patients who were having ventilation problems.
I repeated the mantra all over my head. Like a desperate prayer trying to be heard.
I didn't know what pushed me, but I found myself going back to the coffee shop. I walked in, like nothing happened. I didn't mind them. But as I approached the counter, my mind went blank. I suddenly didn't know how to speak. I didn't know how to decide. What to order. What to do. How to fckin do things.
It took me a few minutes to speak to the lady in front of me. I began reading the menu upfront, but the words never seeped through my brain.
I was always a good reader. I was good with words. But that time, it felt like I had dyslexia.
The lady spoke and caught my attention. It made me pick whatever was the most complicated in name, that they served.
It wasn't my taste. Not usually my choice. But that time, I wanted to choose something special. Like I had to choose me. That I was choosing my own self. Because I am the best. I am pricey, I am uncommon, but I deserved to be chosen too.
I waited for my order at the table next to them. I didn't face them. They were whispering behind my back, while I just remained seated, impatiently waiting for my take away.
It took just a few minutes to have my order served. But it felt like the longest time I ever sat on a chair. As I cupped the iced coffee in my hands, I suddenly felt like it was exactly what I felt inside me. Cold. Numbed.
I mustered all my courage to approach their table. She did it again. She called my name, now in a whisper.
I would usually flash my brightest smile whenever someone important to me called out my name. But that time, I think, I gave her a smirk.
She asked how I was.
Then something inside me snapped. Like all the threads were loosened, broken and crumpled into knots.
I shrugged. I myself didn't know. I didn't know anymore.
I smirked as I stared at her. Then him. Both of them. Like it was a reflex in a loop. I didn't know how I was able to ask that. "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? Break free from everything?"
It felt like I was back in kindergarten again. Like I was a toddler, slowly learning to say the words I wanted to speak.
She nodded. I stared at her again. I didn't know what kind of reaction I wore. But I just felt so empty. Like I was devoid of emotions.
He invited me to sit down with them. Like it was all normal. Like nothing happened. Like he didn't just break my heart and shatter it. Like he never lied and cheated. Like he didn't steal my innocence, my heart and my close friend. Like he was all cool and unperturbed with everything.
He said it like it was an insult. Like I never mattered and he didn't care if I was there in front of him, so shattered.
I smirked at him.
I smirked at both of them.
Again.
Or so I thought. Coz later on, I realized it was all broken smiles.
I was waiting for a hug. For a plead. For a simple invitation to please stay. But both of them were silenced. No one said a word. No one dared to hold my hand. They were just there, sitting. Unable to look at me directly in the eye. They were there, together. While I felt invisible in front of them. And for the second time that night, I felt all alone again.
Minutes passed by. But still, dead air. And as every second ticked, it felt like the remaining life source I had, was slowly fading away too.
I tried smiling for the last time. Again, a smirk maybe.
It was the last time. I knew it was the last time I'll ever come across them. So I slowed down my pace. Gently going out of the shop. Every stride. Every step was like a struggle. I was hoping they'll ask me to stay. Coz I wanted to keep them. I really want to. But I just needed them to say it. To explain. To apologize. To make me understand. To be honest. To provide me answers. No matter how painful it would be.
But no one stopped me from leaving. They never did bother to talk. They just looked at me going away with a heavy heart.
Then I remembered why she said she wanted to take a break from everything. She probably meant to take a break from me.
I left. I left not because I didn't care, but it's them who didn't care anyway. If ever they did, they would've showed it. I would've felt it.
That was the very first time I felt all hollow inside. It's not just sadness. Because if I was just sad, I would've cried. It wasn't all hatred, because I love them both wholeheartedly. It wasn't just disappointments. Wasn't just pain and hurt. Wasn't simple jealousy. Heartbreak. Anger or what.
It was all beyond that.
It was that cold feeling inside, you couldn't truly understand what it really is.
As I rode the cab, going straight home, I looked at the unfinished iced coffee in my hand. Unknowingly, I gripped it too hard, some of it spilled against my shoes.
Some dew dripped from the cup. One drop after the other. A personification of my unshed tears. The tears I wanted to come so I can pour out all the heaviness inside me.
But I didn't spill any. Even my own body was playing with me.
I felt nothing. Nothing really.
Even the thunder roared so loud outside, explicitly showing anger. Flashes of lightning occurred a few minutes in the sky, making it dangerously lit.
The cab's music had that groove. The driver was even singing and tapping his stirring wheel to the rhythm and the beat.
It was so lively.
But I never knew it was possible to feel dead while still alive.
I looked down and noticed something...
My shoes... so lovely, they got stained.
Like me.
Scratched. Stained. Spent~ All too well.