I was very very anxious from days,months,rather alot of time.Thinking what could be the best possible reason he left me.And so easily cheated upon me.How should I take my revenge.How should my broken heart be filled.How can I possibily be back.How my 'How to move on' thoughts can be replaced by actually being better.
But today I think I am near to my answer.
And the answer was the front page of my spirituality.Of beliveing.Of forgiving.Of happening to be me truely.
I just realized that it was great. Actually much better that he left me so early.It was just a shock for sometime.Moretime.Even 5-6 months.But its ok.It just took off even early on the yearbook of 2018.And the memories I made with him are maybe just my lessons of being strong knowing that this person,I had spent some good days, is not here but still am cherishing it aunthentically.For who I was at that time.For what I was.I was lively and energy full.
And its ok if watching those memories or thinking about it saddens me,I'll better not go through those pictures but anyway if I land there,I'll be normal.Because its ok.It happened.And it went.And its for better.
You know why? Because when I just imagine the converse side.If he was with me till now too.He would have been that lier who had something else going on in his mind.And energy and love would always have flown from my side only.And he would always had been completely dishonest,lier,cheater,narcissist and emotionally unavailable.
Now when I actually look for positive I remember only 2 full months we were completely together adoring each other, being one and all.And after that, I mean even 2 months before our breakup he had became kind of ignorant,unavailable,and untouchable to me.Ignoring contact(which I hated).
So I belive by seeing clearly,that actually, its alright.
And the other thing is now I have exams.Important ones'.Its good he went long back,its consequence took me these months but now am actually at the point of realisation and hopefullness and reason full of why my life is much much better that he is gone.
Even when he was there my studies were disrupted.My focus had shifted from studies.But now I may actually dream higher.
Just think!As I was so deeply connected,it would have happened that in love, I would have became completely unpractical and no-focus-on-career-guy gradually and every dream of mine had been wasted.And later in life I would have thought myself as looser,pittied me or the worst can be after 10years on 'sacrificing my everything on him' he would have LEFT me then.Because ya!it actually happenes in this world.
So anything much much much worst could have been happened.
But everything is alright!He went! Am sad and happy'changing but atleast am not cheated and wasted as an indivisual more.And I got these huge moralistic values too.Kind of lesson from this unpredictable drama.
And Ya,last thing is his memories,thoughts and all those dust.So basically I thought running from it always brings me more close to more sadness.So why not just rejoice it happened.And you know like literally when I see back I feel amazed.My life had been so pretty excited for sometime.Drama,cheating,breakup,emotional trauma.Hehe.Feels like a movie to me.So I just laugh how unfocusse,dependent being I had been.So its Ok I no more run from those.I just stay and watch.Ok these all craps happened with me.Am protagnist.The survival of all these dramas.So ok.Whats wrong.All crap happened and that time passed.Am completely all right now.
Am glad he left.And not cheated anymore.He could have had two gf's(me and her) or pretended as if he loved me for more chunk of moths or years and I as a reaction would have connected myself more over time to him(the life long cheater).
So its good am safe.God tried to reduce my sufferings and pain.I have gratitude.And I FORGIVE him.
Everyday now 2-3 times a day.Or when I thoughts go racing again about abusing him,I becoke quiet fir a min,close my eyes,and take a little pray"Lord am forgiving him for all the sufferings he created for me and you too please forgive me if I said or thought anything wrong about anybody including him"
And so even I dont believe but this small little prayer helps me to stay calm and continue my work.
So all these I belive are helping me to heal.And am not focussed.Still I waste alot of time.But slowly and slowly am caring about my actions and thoughts and I belive am healing and becoming better..